WHAT COULD BUDDHISM HELP THE HAPPY COUPLE’S LOVE?
http://www.daophatngaynay.com/vn/thumbnail.php?file=images/2010/quy2/11748damcuoi_15_417610641.jpg&size=article_medium Since our country has have words…literature, poetry have been used to praise our life, our country, our farm land, models of fond of learning, orderly family as if the Song of Family Teachings, giving prominence to the heroes, virtuous women and not to praise the love. When our country was under the rule of the colonist French and when its foundation was firm, the Western culture had overflowed at a whole. The trend of romantic literature of French at that time made the brightness over a generation of western study and since that time our traditional culture had been fallen apart. Representing for the trend of romantic literature of French were Chateaubriand, Lamartine, Alfred de Musset… Their guidelines were talk about the whispering of clouds and winds, to praise women and the romantic loves. The normal change of weather from autumn to winter had made them spending much of paper, ink and tears because these writers, poets had thought “The dead autumn.” Since “Tự Lực Văn Đòan” (Union of self-reliant Writers) was born, the image of fond view of the tradition as “the husband, wife and the buffalo on the field; the Lady Tô Thị hold her child until turning into stone; he read books and declaimed verses and she was beside the loom” had become backward lagging behind. The proverbs, folk-songs as “Husband is anger, then wife would be gentle. She smiles that why are you angry?” had become outdated, needed to be eliminated. Husband and wife followed the modern western study, now they were not patient to each other, but they had to argue for the true logic. They wouldn’t use literature in order to praise the feeling and duty of husband and wife or the family happiness but to praise the love of couple. Huy Cận had not dreamed about a warm family but only dreamed to winnow for the girl on daytime sleeping.
Sunshine has divided a haft of the field; it has already been late of afternoon
In the wild garden, a virgin fold the two sad leaves
The spiders spinwebs cheerlessly
Sleep my dear, I shall fan for you.
In “Trống Mái” (Male and Female), Khái Hưng had created a romantic story almost couldn’t imagine, in a vacation of Hiền “a beautiful rich girl from Hà Nội”, who had made many man including Lưu – a student of third year from a law school, enchanting her. Hiền sometimes was charmed by Vọi, a rustic fisherman having only a muscle body. When she went back Hà Nội, she forgot completely Vọi, whereas Vọi loved sick at her. Before Vọi was killed by the whale, he had carved the two words Vọi and Hiền all over the stones of Hòn Trống (Male Rock) and Hòn Mái (Female Rock). The end of this story was fuzzy …there was nothing than creating a nonsensical love story that made more confused to the life and without any help to the really life, and happiness.
Then Đinh Hùng, who had deified women and love in Bewitched Song:
The ten fingers raise the flame for praying
Oh, where would the soul go?
I vow to keep my virtuous heart
Admiring you as the cheerless Queen!
When Americans came into the south of Vietnam along with Hollywood movies, new music blossomed, the influence of Francoise Sagan (French) and Quỳnh Dao (Taiwanese) as well, love at this time had not been a beginning to progress for married, establish family, to give birth of children to continue the family tradition but love was just…passions, running wild, wandering, romantics, and need not to know the future. Even it dreamed to the “joy of pain” meant wishing to fall apart, separate to enjoy the deep down of suffering in order to see how interesting it is:
Love is beautiful when it is in haft ways
Life is not joy when our commitments are completed (Xuân Diệu)
So since the last century, writers and artists had planted “causes”, and nowadays our children have gathered results and karmas have been in progress that no power could stop them.
Today, love that has been in numberless stores of books, magazines, movies praise as if a holly, sacred thing, a source of happiness, a most beautiful, joyful thing of human life. As the praise above, then there is nothing unhappy than not to be loved or not know what love is. Looking around us, seeing our friends, everyone whom is loved, but we have not known what the taste of love is…then there is nothing rustic than this, there is nothing to suffer than this loss. Miss Susan Boyle, a star in a star searching in Britain in recently, lamented that up to that day she had never have a man kissing her! However, though true or romantic love – it is the reason producing tremendous sufferings and would continue till the end of this world.
- The tears of absurd love that have fallen could store in the full sea. Ngưu Lang and Chức Nữ (Altair and Vega) have seen once a year, but their tears wet the whole mundane world by the rain of Ngâu.
- Hatred because of love, if it has form, it could cover all over the earth.
- Lamenting because of love, if it rises to the sky, it could be much more than the clouds.
- Bemoaning because love “gets wings and flights away” or “is uncompleted” or “is awkward affinity” and so on and that is more desolate and sorrowful than the melancholic winters, or funerals…that makes people don’t want to be alive, but only to die to throw away everything. A person who had lost love and heard the song of “The Boast Without Port” (Đặng Thế Phong, the composer), must have wanted to suicide by poison.
- Then, the lamenting words because of “the lonely love”, “the one side love”, to love somebody but the other not in love, long for and love secretly and so on. If they could be drawn into pictures, they would have no place to hang on certainly.
If we get into a Vietnamese business mall, or to open any music video, we would find that in ten songs there are eight sad songs. Most of their lyrics are lament because of absurd, betrayed, crafty, and deceptive love “may you be deceptive, but please don’t leave me.” They are words of the love of jealousy, sulky, complaining, regret, and request. Being away from you just one day, yet my heart almost dies. Being away from you one day, yet it seems like a century “my life was without you with whom I would be drunk now?” Then the lyrics are lament tragically “the heart is mistaken”, “the heart is blind”. And then there are the roars with rage like “Where are you? Where are you?” and so on. And then love has been broken, and even they are in a temper to the nature “Bring my love to give back to clouds, moon, and stars.”
Those are talks about the couples who loving and then broking up. For the couples who love each other very warmly through the time of challenges getting married and living together, the number of divorces is so sad as well.
In the U.S.A, according to the statistics in 2004, about 50% of the marriages had stopped by divorces, most of them from the age of 20 to 24. The second marriages were 60% of broking up, and 74% from the third marriages also got ended at the courts. In Britain, the statistics in 2002, there were 160,000 divorces, equal 70% of the first marriages.
In Vietnam, divorces are in progress to be increased. According to the statistics on June 26, 2005, in 2000 there were 51,361 divorces. In 2005, it increased to 65,929 cases. The significant reasons were: 27% of contradictions of living styles, 25% of adulterous affairs, 13% of finances, and 6.7% of domestic violence. Nowadays loving and then broking up because of the difficult of life shows that the dream of “a cottage along with the two golden hearts” or “the couple is enjoying to their frugal soup” has not existed anymore.
So it’s obvious that love is not the cheerful source that somebody has imaged, yet it hides a tremendous suffering. Love is both a fresh stream and a hell fire mountain. Love is both a bottle of sweet honey and a bowl of bitter medicine. Love is generous, yet also it’s a trap, and hatred. Love is a commitment for life, yet it’s deceptive as well. Love begins by promising, yet it implies craftiness. Family that we thought might be a warm nest to nourish two hearts till the end of life, yet it turned into a hell. The kind of definition that “love is to die a bit of soul” is only sparkling, blurry, and confused to love, and it’s no help people being in love and some people being about to love.
so we should try to operate, and ask questions straightly to find out what love is? The question needs to ask: “Is there a good nature in the love?”
1- Love is a sacrifice: since there is no dedication that is great and enduring as the dedication for one’s lover. Love is the sacrifice that needs not to be pay back.
2- While in love, we’ve forgotten both time and space. At that time people turn back to their true positions –the profound origin. While in love people are immortal.
3- Love is equal because only love that could eliminate the discrimination of race, language, position, age, and every obstacle created by conventional life to suffer human beings.
4- Love is the harmony of perfection: the two are one. One’s happy source is another’s as well. Your pain is mine also. While you are happy, so am I. When you are sad, and I am miserable as well. Anywhere you are, and that place is the paradise. Lost only you that makes me feel as I lost my whole life.
5- Love is the highest of joy that people don’t know where it is from, but we could only say that it is from our human hearts.
6- Love is to forgive. Along with love, people have forgiven to one another easily.
As the result, we could say that there is good nature in love.
7- Love is the highest point of greed. Love is to appropriate everything that we prefer, so we couldn’t share love as we share food and clothes.
8- Love is the summit of jealousy (anger). Love is being mean-minded.
9- Love is the top of arrogance. While being loved “I, me” (the self) is most fulfilled, most satisfy.
10- Love is another aspect of hatred, for from caring for turns into hate!
11- Love is another aspect of doubt. There is no distrustful that greater than an uncertainty of our lovers.
12- Love is ignorant because if there is no enchanting, and then love is insipid, and sometimes it is only intending, exchanging, or cheating.
For that result, we could say that there is no good nature in love.
However, this analysis only is a describer or presenting the effects or consequences of love, and it could not say what love is. To define scientifically the meaning of love we have to say like this: “Love is a wish and then it becomes a desire to appropriate a man or a woman – at that time that person – who satisfies our craving of sexual, physical, mental, or any aspect in the best way.” If we agreed this definition, we would fall into the Dependent Origination or the twelve chains of Causes and conditions in which Buddha had taught more than 2500 years ago. The twelve chains of Causes and Conditions are the attached relationship between causes and effects which explains the circle of existence or samsara, and this of course created all kinds of sufferings to all sentient beings. The twelve chains of Causes and Conditions are:
1- Ignorance (Avidya): Sentient beings could not see the self (self-center) is not real so that they think they are real, they are true existence, or inherent existence. Since they couldn’t see, or know the emptiness of phenomena, so that is called ignorance. Ignorance also means stupidity or unenlightenment.
2- Activity (Samskara): action, conception, disposition, volitional actions – from ignorance arises volitional actions of body, speech and mind; and that create karma.
3- Consciousnesses (Vijnana): since there is activity, so consciousnesses arise.
4- Name and form (Namarupa): from consciousnesses that cause to appear name and form.
5- Six entrances (Sadayatana): form and name create six entrances (eyes, noses, ears, tongue, body, and consciousness.)
6- Contact (Sparsa): six entrances contact the external world, and that is contact.
7- Receiving (Vedana): Perceiving—Contact—Sensation - receiving is human feeling as contact to the external world. Contact provokes all kinds of feelings: joy, sadness, pleasure or pain. Through feeling is conditioned craving.
8- Desire (Trsna): Love—Thirst—Craving— since feeling so that desire arising. From the feeling of joy and pleasure, the subject tends to prolong it as much as possible. Through craving conditioned clinging.
9- Grasping (Upadana): Laying hold of—Clinging to existence—Desire causes the grasping arises. Grasping is to appropriate everything for oneself after desire. He becomes attached to what he likes or desires. Through clinging is conditioned the process of becoming.
10-Existing (Bhava): Being—Existence—grasping leads to existing. Since grasping so that seeing all phenomena are existing. Driven by his desires, the subject tries to take in possession of what he wants such as money, houses, fame, honor, etc. Through the process of becoming is conditioned birth.
11-Birth (Jati): or rebirth – The final outcome of karma – Craving, from existing leads to birth, or to see everything being born. Clinging and becoming make up the present causes which will accompany the subject in his birth. Through birth are conditioned decay, sorrow and death.
12-Old age and death (Jaramarana): since there is birth, so this leads to old age and death or decay. In his new life, he will become old and die as every being does.
Therefore according to the Causes and Conditions of Buddhism, love begins from receiving or feeling. Because of seeing, smelling, hearing, touching, tasting, or imagining to a subject or a certain person – of course all of them are good, sweet, gentle, romantic, dreamy, attractive, loveable, and precious – so that love or desire arises (greed). From desire that comes the greed to appropriate to be one’s possess. It’s earnestly to love or desire, but if one couldn’t achieve, he then would be sad of course, but although there is love, yet because its nature is impermanent, so sooner or later love would be decay (disappear). However, annihilation or decay causes suffering and affliction. At the of sixteen, prince Siddhartha gave the precious bracelet to princess Yasodhara – princesses’ Queen Beauty – he was in love. Because of love, he had tried to win a challenge to appropriate (Grasp) princess. After having gotten married princess, and then prince had already possessed the pretty, Existing. Nevertheless, above sentient beings, prince Siddhartha had seen that Love (that existing) was not unshakeable, someday it would become decay. And more than that, his aspiration to find the way to lead all sentient beings liberating from sufferings was very strong so that prince left princess Yashodhara and royal palace.
Look at the Buddha’s life, being a Buddhist study, I have never suggested that you shouldn’t love, but I wish to warn you that:
1- Love is control by the law of impermanence, as the Buddha’s teachings. Every second, every minute, every ksana (1), every breath, love has changed constantly. That change and alterability is normal. Love is like a crystal pot its sparkle in thousand of color, yet it is fragile and easily broken. At the day some people loves you, for you have much money and property. When you have no money, no property, and you couldn’t take care those, whether that love would be still the same. At the day you love some people, they are pretty, and due the time passing by, their beauties have not been the same at the beginning anymore, whether your heart wouldn’t change. Loving each other is easy, yet living together is not simple. Many of bad characteristics have the chance to show up, whether we could forgive, forget, and be patient to each other. How long could we stand to each other? And then, managing and spending money, relationship between his and her families, his and her brothers and sisters are also the reasons that cause broking up. Also the adultery is the reason to destroy family. The strange habits cause arguing. One economizes while another wastes, and waste spending also causes family tumultuously. Husband likes to read book in order to gain knowledge while his wife likes singing karaoke, dancing, watching movies is easy to have conflicts. The wife works hard while her husband likes drinking, gambling, also leads to domestic violence. Money belongs to husband and wife, but taking money to help one’ s family, brothers and sisters then the other comparing and prohibiting is also displeased easily. The way of talking, teaching children also causes unharmonious atmosphere, and could bring together at court. A seventy year old man going back to Vietnam and getting married a thirty year old girl, whether this is a true love or just a deception, exchanging, or business. There are still hundred, thousands of other confused things.
2- Love is the grasping, clinging and that is tremendous afflictive. The relationship of husband and wife seems simply, yet it is a difficult problem because the two “I’s” (self-center) hit each other. The more civilize society the “I” becomes bigger than ever. Love is like the golden cage full of rice and water, yet when the birds get into it, they understand this is a prison.
3- You shouldn’t be so happy when you are loved and you shouldn’t be so sad as no one loves you. You had better remember that love is to satisfy the “I”, but “I” could be please by many ways, not only love. In addition, not only a certain person who could please you, maybe there are many others could satisfy your “I”. Therefore, when someone abandons you, you should be calm, and should not become hatred or kill someone whom you had loved before. Follow Bodhi Dharma Patriarch’s spirit: conditions maintain staying, conditions end going away.
As the result:
You young guys who are loving passionately should not think that love is a young people’s game because a game is only a entertainment for a while, when you are bored you could abandon it. Don’t ever value your love so low like that.
Love is the cross of two waves of purest emotion and wisdom, and it is not an art to satisfy your bodies. What is love?
Love yourself and love others.
If you love yourself less than you love others – this love would be a whole
If you love yourself more than you love others – this love would be collapsed.
If at the same time, both of you love yourselves less than you love the other, and then how could love going beyond your hands? Therefore people often say that love is to sacrifice to each other.
Educate each other through warm kisses. You guys should not fall into a situation that you would watch your old lover passing by as some strange person. Say a contrary fate? No? That is a betray and deception because when your will is considered, death could not stop you, much less some obstacles of life?
Don’t ever turn yourself into some kind of wise demon. The more you throw yourself in love affair the more your hearts become boldfaced. Until some time you would watch this world by the haggard and bored eyes. Don’t ever value so low like that. Don’t think love as the game of young people. Come to each other by the fairy’s steps walking on the clouds. Come to each other by the rabbits’ gentle steps innocently but wisely. Don’t intend. Never intend, you guys!
Let this life is appropriate to live, and live as being fresh and beautiful. May you love like this. However, let imagine you are sitting in a yacht crossing the ocean without a life buoy, what do you think? Supposed that your love road that you are walking on is completely safe and good till you close your eyes to leave this world – like the yacht enters the port safety, and then need not any life buoy. Nevertheless, if the yacht meets a storm and can be sunk, won’t you hold the life buoy? The life buoy is the Buddha’s teachings: Love is like all impermanent phenomena. Love is the source of sufferings. Sexual desire is the real source of the endless birth and death, the unbroken samsara, circle of existence. As a result, you will have a gentle, beneficial attitude to yourselves and not harm to others. Lost the love of young couple doesn’t lost completely. At that time, you could give your whole abilities and wisdom to the greater love, that is loving parents, brothers and sisters, people, and country, and more eminent than is to love all sentient beings.
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(1) Sát Na: Ksana (skt)—Một khoảnh khắc được xem như một đơn vị đo lường thời gian—An instance as a measure of time. 90 ksanas are equal to a thought.
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Đạo Phật giúp gì cho tình yêu đôi lứa?
Đào Văn Bình
Vesak 2554 (2010)
Hư Trúc translated – 09/05/2010
http://www.daophatngaynay.com/vn/pg-nganh/xa-hoi/pg-td/4462-Dao-Phat-giup-gi-cho-tinh-yeu-doi-lua-.html
<bài viết được chỉnh sửa lúc 13.05.2010 05:45:44 bởi hutruc@live.com >