CHAPTER 13.


THE COMPLICATED PLOT TURNS HE WAS able to devise were seemingly endless. And at the moment, Helen's husband, John, had recently been arrested for the murders of Helen's sister Vaughn, played by the late, great Sylvia before she moved to New Jersey, and a young drug pusher named Tim McCarthy. Vaughn's drug habit had been unveiled, her
misdeeds as a call girl had come out and caused untold embarrassment, and a politician with whom she was involved, and for whom she had had an abortion years before, was about to become publicly disgraced when the entire scandal hit the papers. But even more important, the fact that Helen was pregnant was about to be unveiled on the show that week.

And the real scandal was that the baby wasn't her husband's, a blessing in this case, but it would be the cause of untold guessing games in kitchens across the country for the next several months. Who was the baby's father? Eventually, John and Helen's marriage would end in divorce when he wound up in prison serving a life sentence for the two murders, and the identity of Helen's baby's father would become known, but not for a long time. And Bill was going to have a lot of fun with it in the meantime.

And he was thinking about Adrian as he drove to work the next day, and why she hadn't told him that Steven had left her. It was not unlike one of his plots, although undoubtedly the reasons were a lot simpler.

And there was always the possibility that he was wrong, he realized, but he didn't see how he could be. There wasn't a stitch of men's clothing in the house. No men's toiletries, no after-shave, not even a razor. He was absolutely sure of it after his brief investigation.

But what was she hiding? And why hadn't she told him? He wondered if she was embarrassed, or if perhaps she just wasn't ready to go out yet.

He didn't have time to think about it once he got to work. One of the actors was sick, and the show's two principal writers were having a major battle, and it was almost noon before he had time to catch his breath, and he wanted to go to Adrian's show and pick her up to bring her on the set to watch their one o'clock airing.

And in her office, Adrian was coping with the discovery that a local senator's son had been wantonly kidnapped and murdered late the night before. It was a shocking case, and the family was devastated. The boy had been only nineteen, and the entire newsroom was depressed. And it made Adrian sick to see the tapes as they came in. He had been dumped on his parents' front steps with his throat cut.

She was busy assigning editors to work on what had come in, and reporters to speak to close family friends, when someone told her there was a call holding for her, but she didn't recognize the name when she picked it up, and she had no idea who it was. It was a man named Lawrence Allman.

"Yes?" She was in the middle of a dozen things and writing notes frantically as she waited to hear what he wanted.

"Mrs. Townsend?"

"Yes."

"Your husband asked me to call you." Her heart stopped as she heard the words.

"Has he been in an accident? Is he all right?"

He felt sorry for her as he listened to her reaction. This was not a woman who didn't give a damn about her husband, contrary to what Steven had said to Allman. "No, he's fine. I'm representing him. I'm an attorney."

She looked confused as she listened to him.

Why was a lawyer calling her and why had Steven told him to call her?

"Is something wrong?" For a moment he didn't know what to say to her.

She seemed so totally unprepared for what was coming.

He felt like a real heel for calling.

"I thought perhaps your husband might have said something to you. But I see that he hasn't." Or maybe she was playing games with him, but he doubted it. She didn't sound like that kind of person. "Your husband is filing for dissolution and he wanted me to work some things out with you, Mrs. Townsend." She felt as though she had been on a roller coaster all day and it had just stopped and pitched her right out of her seat, leaving her heart back about a dozen miles. She could hardly
catch her breath as she listened to him. Steven was doing what?

"I'm sorry, I . . . I don't understand. What is this all about?"

"A dissolution, Mrs. Townsend." He spoke as gently as he could. He was a decent man and this wasn't his favorite case. Steven had not been totally reasonable when they had discussed this. "A divorce. Your husband wants a divorce."

"I . . . I see . . . Isn't this a little hasty?"

"I asked him if he would like counseling with you, but he insists that there are irreconcilable differences."

"Can I refuse? . . . the divorce, I mean . . ." She closed her eyes, trying not to cry into the phone, or the man would think she was a fool. She had to stay calm, but she was losing control just listening to him. She couldn't believe it. Steven wanted a divorce, and he wouldn't even talk to her about it. He had had a stranger call to tell her.

"No, you can't refuse," the attorney explained. "Those laws changed a long time ago. You or Mr. Townsend have the right to file for dissolution without the consent of your spouse." She couldn't believe what she was hearing, and there was more to come.

"There are some additional papers Mr. Townsend would like you to be aware of."

"He wants to sell the condo, doesn't he?"

There were tears brimming in her eyes as she listened to him, watching her whole world crumble around her.

"Well, yes. But he's willing to give you three months grace before you put it on the market, unless, of course, you'd like to buy him out, at fair market value." She felt nauseous as she stood in her office. He wanted a divorce. And he wanted to sell the condo.

"But that isn't what I was referring to. Mr. Townsend is willing to be reasonable about the town house. I was referring . . ." He seemed to hesitate. He had tried to talk Steven out of it, but he could only assume that the baby's paternity was in question when Steven wouldn't listen to reason.

"There are some other papers he's asked me to draw up. I'd like you to take a look at them."

"What exactly do they deal with?" She took a sharp breath and tried to regain her composure as she wiped the tears off her cheeks with trembling fingers.

"Your . . . uh . . . the baby. Mr. Townsend would like to renounce any parental rights antenatally. It seems a little premature and I must tell you, I've advised him against it. It's a highly unusual procedure. But he's adamant that that's what he wants. I've drawn up some papers in draft form, just for you to look at. They state simply that he renounces any claim to the baby. As a result, he would have no visiting rights, no claim to the child once it's born. It would not bear his name. You will be asked to resume your maiden name, as well as give it to the baby.
His name would not appear on the birth certificate when it was born, and, of course, you and the child would have no legal or financial claim on Mr. Townsend. He wanted to offer some monetary remuneration for this, but I explained to him that according to California law, we couldn't do that. There must be no exchange of money in the renunciation of his parental rights, or it could later be declared invalid." She was crying openly by then and she didn't give a damn if the attorney heard her.

"What do you want from me? And why are you calling me today?" she sobbed. "This is a holiday, you aren't even supposed to be working."

Steven had told him she would probably be at the station and it would be a good time to catch her, so he was calling from home. He felt like a complete louse telling her those things, but he had thought it would be worse if she had just opened her mail and found it all there.

Steven had insisted he had no quarrel with her, she had been a good wife and they had been happy, he just didn't want the baby and she had refused to abort it. It I seemed perfectly sensible to him. And Larry Allman wondered if Townsend was a little less than reasonable on this issue. But it wasn't his job to argue with him. He had tried to talk him into counseling, urged him to reconsider, and not to do anything about the termination of parental rights until after the baby
came and he at least saw it. But Steven didn't want to hear it.

"Mrs. Townsend," Allman said quietly, "I'm really sorry. There's no pleasant way to advise you of all this. I thought that maybe a phone call . ."

"It's not your fault," she sobbed, wishing that she could change the way Steven felt, but she knew that she couldn't. "Is he okay?" she asked, much to Allman's amazement.

"He's fine. Are you okay?" That seemed a lot more important.

She nodded as fresh tears rolled down her face. "I'm fine."

He smiled sadly at his end. "I'm sorry to say, you don't sound it."

"It's been a lousy day . . . the senator's son and now this." It was all so awful. And she had had such a nice weekend before this.

"Do you suppose . . ." She felt stupid asking him, but she wanted to know if he thought Steven would change his mind once the baby was born, and maybe if he saw it. She still believed somehow that seeing it would change everything. After all, he was the baby's father. "You don't think he'll change his mind, do you? I mean . . . later . .

"He could. He's taking some awfully radical steps. Unduly so in some areas, but he seems determined to do this now, for his own peace of mind. He wants everything spelled out, and legally resolved."

"When will the divorce go through?" Not that it mattered anyway. What difference did it make? Except that it would have been nice to be married when she had the baby.

"Actually, he filed the petition two weeks ago. Which means that your divorce will be final . . . I'd say in mid-December."

Wonderful. Two weeks before the baby. With no father's name on the birth certificate. It was great news. She certainly was glad he had called her.

"Is that all?"

"Yes, I . . . I'll be sending the papers out to you"

"Thank you." She wiped her eyes again, and her hands were still shaking.

"We'll be in touch in a couple of months about the condo. And, of course, any request for spousal support would be appropriate coming from your attorney."

"I don't have an attorney. And I don't want spousal support."

"I think you should seek the advice of counsel, Mrs. Townsend. You have a right to spousal support according to the laws of California."

And he thought she'd be foolish if she didn't take it. He hated the case. And he would have liked to see her at least get some money out of Steven. He owed her something, for chrissake. And he had advised him of that himself. "We'll be in touch."

"Thank you." She listened as the phone clicked in her ear after he said good-bye, and she stood holding the receiver for a long time, as though a voice was going to tell her it was all a mistake, and they were just kidding. But they weren't kidding. Steven had filed for divorce, and he wanted papers saying that he was giving up his rights to the baby. It was the worst thing she had ever heard, and she stood shaking as she thought about it, wondering what she was going to do
now. In truth, nothing had really changed. She still had the town house for a while, he still had all their furniture, and she still had the baby.

But everything really had changed. She had no hope anymore, except a wild fantasy that eventually he would come back and fall head over heels in love with his baby. But even she knew that that was unlikely.

What she had to face now was having the baby alone, keeping her job, finding a new home, and at least buying a couch to sit on. But more important, she had to face the fact that he was divorcing her, and legally, the baby would have no father. It was a stunning blow and her shoulders shook as she cried, as she finally put down the receiver.

She had her back to the door, and she hadn't heard anyone walk into her office. And seeing only her back turned toward him, he hadn't realized that she was crying. She turned slowly, her face awash with tears, and through the mist, she saw him. It was Bill Thigpen.

"Oh my God . . . I'm sorry . . . I didn't mean to . . . I guess this is a bad time." It was a mild understatement, and she tried to smile through her tears as she groped under her desk for a tissue.

"No actually . . . I'm fine."

And then she collapsed into a chair, crying again, as she buried her face in her hands.

"No . . . it's awful." There was no way to explain it to him, and she didn't really want to. "It's just . . . I'm not . . . I can't . . ." She wasn t even making sense, as he walked over to her, and gently rubbed her shoulders.

"Take it easy, Adrian. It's going to be all right. Whatever it is, it'll get straightened out sooner or later." He wondered if she had gotten fired, or someone had died. She was shaking all over, and she looked green, she was so pale. For a moment, he wondered if she was going to faint. But he made her take a deep breath and handed her a glass of water, and a minute later, she looked better. "Looks like you've had a terrific morning." He looked down at her sympathetically
and she tried to smile, but it was a meager effort.

"It's been quite a day." She blew her nose again, and looked at him with a mixture of embarrassment and appreciation. "First the senator's son is kidnapped and killed and we get five thousand miles of tape on it, with close-ups of his throat slit." She sobbed again, thinking of it. "And then . . ." She hesitated, looking up at Bill, debating whether or not to tell him. But there was no point to keeping it a secret anymore, and even if it was her fault, it hadn't been her
decision. "And then . . . I got this stupid call from my husband's attorney." Her eyes filled with tears again and her voice trembled as she said it.

"Attorney? What's he calling you for? And today's a holiday anyway."

"That's what I said."

"What did he want?" Bill scowled, feeling protective of her.

She took a deep breath, clutching the tissue in her hand as she looked away. She couldn't face Bill as she said it. "He called to tell me that my husband . . ." her voice dropped so low, he could barely hear her.". . . just filed for dissolution. Two weeks ago, actually."

For a moment, Bill was startled. But it was more the way she said it than the fact of it. It was her obvious anguish over it that touched him. He had actually figured out the night before that they were separated, and he was relieved now that it was out in the open. But he was sorry for her, she seemed to be taking it very hard, as though it was something she hadn't expected.

"Does that come as a shock to you, Adrian?" His voice was very gentle.

"Yes." She sighed and looked up at him, as he stood leaning against her desk, looking sympathetic. "I never really thought he'd do it. He said he would. But I didn't believe him."

"How long has this been going on?"

"About six weeks . . . maybe seven. . He moved his things out about three weeks ago. My things too." She smiled as they both thought of the empty apartment. "That doesn't matter to me. I just didn't think . . I didn't want ."

"I understand. I felt that way when Leslie divorced me. I never wanted to get divorced. But all of a sudden she decided it was over. It doesn't seem fair when someone else makes the decision."

"That's kind of what he did." She started to cry again, and she felt embarrassed in front of Bill, but he seemed to take it very calmly.

"I'm sorry . . . I'm a mess."

"You have a right to be. Can you go home and take the afternoon off? I'll drive you."

"I don't think I can. We have a special broadcast scheduled tonight before the news."

"Why didn't he call you himself?"

"I don't know." She looked depressed as she sat down at her desk, while he sat on the corner. "I guess he doesn't want to talk to me anymore."

"That's the hard part about getting a divorce when you don't have kids. At least when you have children, you have to talk to each other, until they grow up anyway. Sometimes it drives you nuts, but at least it's some kind of continued contact." She nodded, thinking that they did have a kid. Or at least she did. Steven had ''renounced" it.

"What do you think brought this on, do you know? Or is it none of my business?"

She smiled sadly. "I know. And it doesn't really matter. He took a position and so did I. I just couldn't do what he wanted, and I guess we each felt we were personally at stake, so we dug in our heels. And he won, I guess. Or we both lost. Something like that. He never gave me a chance once he made up his mind."

"He sounds like Leslie. But there was someone else involved at the time, and I didn't know it. Do you suppose he's involved with someone too?"

"Maybe. But I don't think so. I think this has to do with what he wants in life, and what he doesn't, and all of a sudden our paths became too divergent."

"That's a pretty brutal step to take over 'divergent paths." But people were strange and they did strange things. And they both knew it. I was going to invite you over to the studio for a cup of coffee, but maybe now isn't the time." He was sorry for her, and he leaned over and touched her cheek with a gentle hand as he said it. "Maybe another time."

She nodded, feeling as though she had been beaten by Allman's words.

"I've got to go back to work. We're putting together a special about the senator's family. The boy was on the football team at UCLA, a varsity star in high school, and he was very involved in public service. His girlfriend was the governor's niece. This thing is going to tear everyone's heart out." It had hers. And Steven had trampled what was left of it. She felt as though she had died just before lunchtime. "I'm going to be here until one o'clock in the morning, maybe two." And she already looked exhausted.

"Can you take a break? At least go out and get something to eat?"

"I doubt it. I'll come in late tomorrow."

All she needed now was to lose the baby. But she couldn't even think of that now. She just had to get through the day, and then another day, and keep on going.

"I'm working late tonight too. We have a lot of new developments happening on the show. Murders, trials, divorces, illegitimate babies. The usual happy stuff. It ought to keep me pretty busy. And I want to make sure our writers get a bunch of scripts done before the boys"

"Sounds like the story of my life." She smiled weakly, and he kissed her gently on the top of her head as he stood up and prepared to leave.

"Hang in there. I'll come by later. If you want anything, just let me know. Our studio kitchen is filled with food today, because all the restaurants around here are closed."

"Thanks, Bill." She looked at him gratefully, and he slipped out with a wave, as she sat staring out the window for a minute. It was a crazy world. Steven had walked out on her, and abandoned her and their baby.

And someone had killed an innocent nineteen-year-old boy with a heart of gold and his life ahead of him, shattered in a single instant.

She went back to work then, and tried to forget her own problems, but she kept thinking of Bill and the amazing support he gave her.

The special she produced went on at five o'clock and was deeply moving, and even people in the newsroom cried as they watched it. They did the full six o'clock broadcast then, and after that, she watched some film to see what they were going to add to the special they were going to run at midnight. It was an endless day, and it was nine o'clock before she found the dinner that Bill had sent over for her. And at midnight, as she sat in the studio, watching the show, she saw him walk in and pointed to a chair next to her own. He sat down quietly and watched with her, obviously deeply moved by the program.

"What a stinking thing," he said as they went off the air. The senator had cried openly in front of the camera. And they had talked about God and His love for all of them, and their faith in Him, but it did little to change the heartbreak of what had happened. And then Bill looked at her. She looked even worse than she had earlier. The day had been endless. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired." The word didn't even begin to encompass what she felt, and he didn't want to intrude on her. But he wanted to help her.

She looked too wiped out to even drive herself home, and he offered her a lift back to the complex.

"Why don't you let me take you home?

You can always take a cab back here tomorrow. Just leave your car here. Or I can drive it for you if you want." But he didn't trust her on the road. She was so exhausted, she looked as though she might fall asleep at the wheel, and she didn't have the energy to argue with him.

"I'll leave my car here. And thank you for dinner, by the way." He seemed to think of everything, no matter how late he worked himself.

They both signed out, and she groaned as she slid across the seat in the comfortable old woody. "Oh, God . . . I feel like I'm going to die."

"You might if you don't get some sleep."

He slid behind the wheel, and she was too tired to even talk to him as they drove home on the Santa Monica Freeway. And when they got to the complex, he parked his car and walked her to her door without saying a word. And as soon as she opened the door, he looked at her earnestly as she turned toward him in the doorway. "Are you gonna be okay?"

She nodded, but she didn't look convincing. "I think so." But she had never felt sadder or lonelier in her life. She felt as though Steven had walked out on her all over again.

"Call if you need me. I'm not very far away." He touched her arm then and she smiled and then closed the door, feeling drained. She walked slowly upstairs without even turning on the light. She didn't want to see the bare walls and the empty rooms. And she walked across her bedroom and threw herself across the bed, and then she lay there sobbing, until she fell asleep, with all her clothes on, and Steven's baby inside her.

CHAPTER 14.

FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS, ADRIAN FELT as though she were in a dream. The papers Lawrence Allman had promised arrived. And she signed them in all the appropriate places.

She checked the box that said she wanted no spousal support, and she agreed to put the town house on the market by the first of October.

She said very little about it to Bill and he dropped by to see her at her office almost every day, but he didn't press her about going out.
He sensed correctly that she was still too upset by the shock of the dissolution. A lot had been happening to her. Things had been wildly hectic at work, and he had his own hands full with changes in the scripts, and the fact that he was trying to clear his desk for his annual four-week vacation.

But he had nonetheless found the time to bring her to the set early one afternoon, and she had watched with fascination as they aired the show.

It brought back memories of when she had worked on other shows. And afterward, he introduced her to everyone, and when they went back to his office, she admired his Emmys, and he showed her the program's current bible. In it, he had outlined the show's plot for the next several months, with alternate solutions to problems that might come up, and in a stack on his desk were tentative scripts that he still had to approve. He explained it all to her, and she found herself wishing she could work on a show like this, instead of the news, and as she read some of his notes, she made some very interesting comments.

"Why don't you help me with the bible sometime? . . . or some ideas for scripts? The writers would love a little help, they can always use fresh ideas. It's not easy coming up with five shows a week."

"I can imagine. . . ." And then she looked at him with excitement in her eyes. "Do you mean that, Bill? I mean about doing up some notes for ideas for the show?"

"Sure I do. Why not? You and I can kick some stuff around over dinner one night if you want. I'll give you some of the background material on the characters. You could have a ball." He looked as though he thought it was a great idea, and so did she, and they talked about it all the way back to the newsroom, and they talked about it again the next night when finally, two weeks after the Fourth of July barbecue, she agreed to go out to dinner.

It was a Saturday night, and they had run into each other at the pool early that morning. She looked better than she had in days, and she finally seemed to have absorbed the shock of everything that had happened. And she was still excited about seeing his show the day before. And as she talked about it, she looked prettier than ever.

"Can I interest you in a famous Thigpen steak tonight? Or how about something a little more glamorous, like dinner at Spago?" It was the favorite local hangout of anyone who was anyone in television and the movies.

Wolfgang Puck had made it everyone's favorite place to eat, with delicious pasta and pizza and the miracles of nouvelle cuisine that he created.

Adrian had started to come to terms with the realities of her life in the last two weeks, and the prospect of an evening out sounded very appealing. And he had been incredibly patient with her. He had quietly kept an eye on her, without ever intruding. He had dropped by at work, sent food over late at night, offered her a ride once or twice, but never pressed the issue of a date or an evening that she obviously couldn't have coped with.

And he had even recommended a lawyer who had taken her affairs in hand and already spoken several times with Lawrence Allman. But after two weeks of mourning and agonizing, she finally felt slightly more alive, and both of Bill's suggestions sounded delightful.

"Whichever you like." She smiled gratefully at him. He had become a good friend in such a short time.

"How about Spago?"

"That sounds great." She smiled, and they both went back to their own places to do the things they had to do, like laundry and paying bills again, a never-ending task, particularly now that Steven was no longer there to do it. Her salary covered everything, but lately she was trying to save as much money as she could for when she'd need it for the baby. Now that Steven wouldn't be contributing anything, she wanted to be a little more careful.

Bill picked her up at eight, and he was wearing khaki slacks, a white shirt, and a blue blazer, and she was wearing a dress that she'd had for years. It was a soft peachy-pink silk that flowed easily from the shoulders.

They drove to Sunset chatting about work, and how hectic it had been for both of them in the past few weeks, and it was obvious how excited he was about the boys coming out on the following Wednesday. They were going to spend two days with him in town, and then they were embarking on their big adventure.

Bill ordered pizza made with warm duck, and she had cappelletti with fresh tomato and basil. And for dessert, they shared an enormous piece of chocolate cake, which came to the table drowning in delicious homemade whipped cream. As usual, she ate everything, and Bill teased her again about how well she ate, without apparently gaining weight, but as he said it, she looked a little nervous.

"I should be watching it more than I have been lately." He noticed that she was not pencil thin, but she was not overweight either.

The only thing he did notice was that her chest seemed to be enlarging almost daily, but he still wasn't sure if that was due to inaccurate previous observation on his part. "I'm going to start eating nothing but salads."

"How depressing." He took a breath, pretending to suck in his own waistline, and he was solidly built, but he wasn't heavy either.

"I'm going to be eating hamburgers and french fries at roadside fast-food places for the next two weeks, it'll be a miracle if I don't regress and wind up with teenage acne."

They both laughed at the thought, and he looked at her strangely then. He had been wanting to ask her for weeks, ever since he had found out about Steven filing papers, but he didn't want to ask her too soon. And he wondered now if she was ready to hear it. "I have a funny question to ask you, Adrian."

And as he said it, she looked suddenly panicked. "Don't get nervous. It's nothing intensely personal, and my feelings won't be hurt if you say no. I just thought I'd ask in case there's a chance I could talk you into it."

He paused as though waiting for a drumroll.

"What are the chances of your getting a week or two off from work?"

She suspected what he was going to ask, and she smiled, feeling very flattered. She knew how much his boys meant to him, and the fact that he would be willing to share them with her, or even introduce her to them meant a great deal to her. "It's not impossible. I have about four weeks coming. I was saving the time for a trip to Europe in October." A trip she was certainly not going to take now. She wasn't going anywhere, with anyone. And by then she would be six months
pregnant.

"Do you think they'd let you off on fairly short notice? I was wondering if you would like to join us on our pilgrimage north. Any interest? If not, I'll respect your sanity, as well as your judgment. This will not be an easy trip. We are talking about being stuck in a car all day with two small boys, listening to them argue day and night, eating inedible food from one end of California to the other, and winding up in a sleeping bag on the hard ground at Lake Tahoe." But the truth was that he loved it and she knew that, and it was a real honor that he would ask her to join them.

"It sounds terrific." She smiled.

"Think you can get the time?"

"I don't know. I can ask." She wasn't sure what they'd say, but it was possible they would let her off, certainly for a week, if not two, and it sounded like just what she needed.

"If you can't get off for the first week, you could fly straight to Reno and join us at Lake Tahoe for the second. But the first part will be fun too. We're going to stop at the San Ysidro Ranch near Santa Barbara, stay in San Francisco at a funny old hotel we love, and then we're going to the Napa Valley. There are some great little inns, and I thought it would be a nice stop on the way to Lake Tahoe."

"It sounds wonderful." She smiled at him, relaxing for the first time in weeks. "You know, I really owe you an apology. I think I've been in shock for the past two weeks. Ever since I got that call from my husband's attorney." Her saying
that brought up a question he'd been wanting to ask her.

"Why didn't you tell me what was happening before that?"

"I don't know, Bill. I was embarrassed, I guess. It's just . . . I just felt like such a failure when Steven left me." He nodded, he understood that, but it would have saved him some grief had she told him. For the first time in his life, he had actually been considering putting the make on a married woman, and he had been wrestling with himself for days.

She could have spared him that, but it didn't matter now. And she looked a lot better. The shock had worn off, and he hadn't seen her cry since the first day. She was made of strong stuff. Much stronger than he even dreamed of.

"Anyway, what do you think about the trip? Do you think they'll let you off?"

"I'll ask them first thing on Monday morning. I think they might. Things are a little slow. And not too many people are out on vacation. Most people prefer the spring and fall, when it isn't so crowded."

"So would I, but I have to go when the boys are out here."

She looked at him, wondering how they would arrange it. She didn't want to sleep in the same room with him, but she didn't even know the boys, and they probably wouldn't welcome the idea of a strange woman sharing their room with them. It would be easy once they were in tents. But it was going to be a little more complicated when they were in hotels, unless she requested her own room and paid for it hersell, which was what she was about to suggest to Bill when he started
laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"You are. I can see the wheels turning in your head. Are you worried about the sleeping arrangements?"

"Yes." She grinned. "It's not that I don't trust you. I do, but . ."

"Well, you shouldn't," he confessed. "I'm not sure I trust myself. But I also have a healthy fear of my ex-wife. We'll keep it very respectable. I promise. I'll probably sleep with the boys. I usually do, and they love it. And you can have my room."

"Wouldn't that be an inconvenience for you?"

"No," he said softly, "it would mean a lot to me to have you there. I'd love you to spend some time with me and the boys." He wanted to tell her more about how he felt, but he knew that this wasn't the time.

She was still recovering from the blow dealt to her by Steven. And the headwaiter was anxiously waiting for their table. It was a busy Saturday night, and people were lined up all the way down the stairs and out the door. And as they left, she saw Zelda standing there, with the very young star of a TV show. He was a real catch, and Zelda had never looked happier or better. She caught a glimpse of Adrian with Bill and made a circle of her thumb and forefinger, indicating her
approval, as Adrian laughed and followed him to the waiting woody. She thanked him for dinner then and turned to him with a serious look.

"I want to thank you for asking me to join you and the children. That really means a lot to me. I know how important they are to you, Bill."

"They are," he said, nodding, and then he turned to look at her more intently. "And so are you. You're a very special person." She looked away, not sure what to say to him. She couldn't promise him anything.

There was still far too much confusion in her own life. If Steven didn't want her with their baby, surely no one else would, and she knew that.

"I appreciate everything you've done for me." She looked away from him as they got into the car. She was thinking of how angry he would be when he found out about the baby, and she didn't want to mislead him.

"Is something wrong, Adrian?" He gently took her hand in his. They were still parked only a few feet from the restaurant and they hadn't moved, but he was worried about her suddenly. There were brief moments when she looked so unhappy and so worried. He knew it was probably the divorce doing it, but it made him sad for her and he wanted to help her
through it.

"My life is a little complicated right now," she said cryptically, and he smiled.

"You sound like one of my characters on the show. In fact, I just wrote that line into a script yesterday. And you think you've got troubles. My character is pregnant with an illegitimate baby." The words almost made her choke and she tried to laugh as he started up the woody, but all she could do was smile weakly. Art imitating life again. Sometimes it happened a little too often.

They drove back to the complex then, and he invited her to his place for a cup of coffee.

He had a fancy espresso machine, and they sat for a long time in his cozy kitchen.

"I always feel like I ought to look around for a last time before the boys come." He grinned. "From the moment they arrive till the moment they leave, this whole place is upside down, the television is constantly on, there are clothes in every chair, socks on every table, the bathrooms look like they've been hit by a bomb, and there's candy and gum all over everything I own. They're hopeless."

"It sounds happy." She smiled.

"That's a dangerous attitude." He smiled at her. From everything he had seen of her so far, he thought she was the perfect woman.

And he had long since decided that Steven Townsend was either a bastard or a fool, but he had been crazy to let her go, much less divorce her.

"I can't wait till you meet them."

"Neither can I," she said as she sipped her cappuccino.

"I really hope you can come on the trip."

"So do I." And she meant it. "If I can't, maybe I can fly to Lake Tahoe for a weekend."

"That would be nice. But I'd like a lot more than that." And he thought that two weeks with her and his sons would be absolutely blissful. It was the kind of life he had longed for for the last seven years, the kind of life he'd lost and thought he would never find again. But Adrian was a very special woman.

In some ways, he was afraid of his feelings for her, and in other ways, he loved them.

He took her back to her place around twelve o'clock, and he felt like a teenager standing in her doorway. He was dying to get his hands on her, but he sensed instinctively that she wasn't ready. And Tahoe wasn't going to be the answer to his prayers either. He wouldn't dare make a pass at her while traveling with his children. They were just going to have to wait, or he was. He didn't even know if she was attracted to him, and he was afraid to find out too soon. There was always the possibility that he would scare her off.

And she was grateful that he hadn't pressed her. She kissed him chastely on the cheek, and as he walked back to his place, his desire for her almost drove him crazy.

He took her for a drive the next day, and they went to the Ritz-Carlton in Laguna Niguel for Sunday lunch, and then they came back because he had to go to work. His work as usual helped him cope with his constant frustration. Sylvia had been gone for quite a while. And ever since Adrian had walked into his life, he hadn't wanted anyone else. But dreams of her were beginning to haunt him.

She appeared in his studio on Monday just before noon, with a broad grin on her face and a look of victory as he was coping with last-minute changes.

"I can come! They gave me two weeks off!" she announced with glee in a stage whisper that everyone heard, and then she laughed, and two of the actresses giggled. Bill looked at her with awe and delight and then asked her to stay while he finished what he had to do before they went on the air, and then he invited her to watch the show with him from the control booth.

It was an action-packed episode, filled with conflict and emotion.

Helen had admitted that she was pregnant by then, but she wasn't telling anyone whose baby it was. John was in jail and the trial was coming up soon. And on the show, Helen made a call to an unknown man, threatening to kill herself if he told anyone that she was carrying his baby. The script was emotionally charged, and the woman who played Helen was an excellent actress.

She'd been on the show for years, and she was one of A Life's mainstays. But as Bill watched them perform, he turned to Adrian, pleased with the day's show and he was pleased to see the excitement in her eyes. She loved being around his show and everything about it.

"It's just a great show, Bill." It meant a lot to him that she liked it. And they were still talking about the show when they left the control booth. He introduced her to the actors she hadn't met yet, and she complimented "Helen" for a job well done, and then she went back to her office.

She had the trip to look forward to, and she could hardly wait to meet his kids. She just hoped, she thought with trepidation as she went back to work, that she would fit into her jeans until early August.

CHAPTER 15.

THE BOYS ARRIVED TWO DAYS LATER, ON A Wednesday afternoon, and Bill went to pick them up at the airport. He had asked Adrian to come along, but she didn't want to crowd them. They didn't have any idea who she was, and they hadn't seen their father since Easter vacation.

She had a doctor's appointment that day anyway. And it was the first time that she heard the baby's heartbeat. The doctor put the stethoscope to her ears, and there was a small device like a microphone attached to the other end which he slid across her stomach. The first loud thumping she heard was her own, it was actually the placenta pumping blood to the baby. But beyond that, much more softly, and beating much faster than her own heart, was a smaller one, the tiny
pat-pat-pat of the baby. She listened to it with a look of astonishment, and tears came to her eyes when she first heard it.

"Everything sounds fine to me," the doctor told her as she sat up. Her blood pressure was fine, her weight was okay, too, though she had already gained quite a bit, and there was no denying now that her body was changing.

There was a curve to her suddenly, when she turned sideways in the mirror, and she was starting to wear her dresses a little looser, but so far, unless they knew, no one would have noticed that she was three and a half months pregnant. "Any problems, Adrian?" he asked. She hadn't seen him in a month, not since just before Steven had taken everything he owned out of the apartment and served her with papers.

"Nothing I've noticed," she said quietly. "I feel fine." She did most of the time, too, except now and then when she had a really long day at work, or a late night, then she felt absolutely exhausted.

"How's your husband adjusting to it now?" he inquired as he washed his hands. He fully expected Steven to come around and was sure he had by then. He had no idea what had happened in the last month, and Adrian didn't want to tell him. It was too embarrassing, and admitting that he was gone still gave her an overwhelming feeling of failure. She still hadn't told anyone at work, and the only one she had told, and sworn to secrecy, was Zelda. She insisted that Adrian was foolish not to tell people openly, that she had done nothing wrong, it was Steven who should be embarrassed, not Adrian. But Adrian still pretended to everyone that everything was fine, and claimed that he was doing a lot of traveling. She told her mother that, too, on the rare occasions when they spoke. And other than Zelda, she had told not a living soul about the baby.

"He's fine," Adrian said innocently. "He's away right now." As though the doctor would know he was gone. She stood up and pulled her dress down after the examination.

All he did now was weigh her once a month, take her blood pressure; and listen to the baby's heartbeat. He had listened for it the previous month, but it had still been too early for him to hear it.

"Are you going away this summer at all?" he chatted pleasantly, and she was embarrassed about lying to him about Steven.

"We're going away in a few days. Camping at Lake Tahoe."

"Sounds like fun. Don't overdo in the altitude, take it easy a little bit. And if you drive there, stop every couple of hours and walk around, stretch your legs. You'll feel better."

But so far she had had an uneventful pregnancy. Uneventful except for the fact that her husband was going to divorce her.

She went back to the office afterward, and as usual, there was a mountain of work for her to do. And she didn't hear from Bill, but she assumed that the boys had arrived safely.

He called her in the newsroom late that night, just before the eleven o'clock news, the boys were in bed, and he sounded happy and exhausted.

"It's like having a whirlwind hit this place," he sighed happily, but they both knew he loved it.

"I'll bet they're happy to be here."

"I hope so. I sure am happy to have them. I'm bringing them to work tomorrow for a while, till they destroy the place. Adam is always fascinated by it, he thinks he wants to be a director when he grows up, but Tommy gets a little antsy. I thought maybe we could stop by and say hi, or take you to lunch if you have time. Depending on how your day runs. The boys would like to meet you."

"I can hardly wait to meet them." She smiled, but she was nervous about it too. The boys were so important to him that she was worried about what would happen if they didn't like her. Admittedly, she and Bill weren't deeply involved with each other, but she liked him a great deal, and she sensed that he liked her too. If nothing else, she hoped it was the start of a serious friendship.

And there were overtones of something more, but something that, for the moment, due to her circumstances, neither of them had figured out how to handle. Too much had happened to her recently. Too much had gone on.

Between the baby and Steven filing for divorce, she wasn't ready for a relationship.

And yet, she was growing used to him. And she found that she needed him at unexpected times, and in some ways, she was afraid to need him as much as she might, if she let herself go completely.

"Do you want to come to the set after we air tomorrow, or should we just stop by at the newsroom?" he asked. He had told them about her, and they hadn't seemed surprised.

They had met lady friends of his before, and they were used to it.

They usually told him what they thought of them, and a couple of them had joined them on trips. But it was hard for him to explain to them that this one was different. This was a woman he respected and liked, someone he suspected he could love, but he didn't tell them any of that. He didn't want to scare them.

"I'll drop by the show. I want to see what you're doing to those poor people anyway. How's the one with the illegitimate baby?"

"Drinking too much, understandably. Everyone wants to know who the baby's father is. We've never gotten so much mail. It's amazing how that kind of thing fascinates the viewers. Dubious paternity seems to be an issue of interest to most of us. Or maybe it's just babies." He was hitting close to home again, and just hearing about it made her nervous. Her own baby's paternity was a cause of great concern to her, and she sighed as she realized that she had to get to the control booth.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Say hello to them for me."

"I will," he said, with something warm in his voice that was meant just for her, and she knew it. She was smiling to herself when she ran into Zelda on the way to the control booth.

"How's it going?" Zelda asked pointedly.

She worried about Adrian at times, but they were both too busy to talk to each other very often. Zelda asked her if she heard from Steven from time to time, and she was always horrified to hear that she didn't.

"It's okay." Adrian smiled. She knew Zelda wouldn't give away any of her secrets.

"I saw you with Bill Thigpen the other day." She was curious about that. She knew who he was, and how successful his show had been, and she wondered if anything was going to come of it between him and Adrian, but she suspected that Adrian was still deluding herself about Steven. "Is that anything?" she asked openly, and Adrian looked offended by her bluntness.

"Yes. A nice friendship." She hurried off to the control booth then, and at midnight she went home and fell into bed. She was too tired to even think, and she had a lot to do in the next two days before she left on vacation.

She went to Bill's studio again the next day, just in time to see the show air, and she watched in fascination as the woman who was supposedly pregnant sobbed, talking about her baby. Her husband was still in jail, and she was being blackmailed by a woman who allegedly knew who had fathered her baby. Her husband's trial had just begun, and Helen was still mourning the loss of her sister. It was easy to see why people got caught up in it. It was all so absurd, and so
exaggerated, and yet it wasn't. It was exaggerated in just the way real life was, with all its unexpected quirks and turns and sudden disasters.

People having accidents and getting killed and cheating on each other and losing jobs and having babies. There was a little more melodrama than in most lives, but not as much as one might have thought, Adrian mused, not if her own life was anything to judge by.

And as soon as she walked into the studio on silent feet, she saw the two boys, standing near Bill, watching the actors in fascination.

Adam looked tall for his age, and he was standing quietly right next to his father, with sandy blond hair and big blue eyes, and long, long legs. He was wearing jeans and a T-shirt and high top sneakers. Tommy was wrapped around a chair in a cowboy shirt and a pair of chaps, with the exact same look on his face that Bill wore when he was concentrating on something. They looked almost like twins, except that one of them was much smaller. And just looking at Tommy made you want to run up and hug him. He had soft brown curls, and blue eyes that were even bigger than his brother's. He noticed her first, and stared at her with curiosity instead of watching the show. She smiled at him then, and waved, I and he grinned, and tugged at his father's sleeve. He whispered something to Bill, and then Bill turned and saw her. He didn't walk over until they broke for a commercial and then he quickly introduced her before they had to be quiet again. Adam shook her hand with a serious air, Tommy grinned and asked if she was the one who was coming to Lake Tahoe. She only had time to whisper yes, and then found herself stroking his soft curls as she watched the rest of the show, but he didn't seem to mind it.

"That was good, Dad," Adam complimented him as soon as the show was over.

And Bill introduced him to all the actors. He had met most of them before, but there were a few new faces, and it touched Adrian to see how proud of them Bill was. He was clearly a wonderful father.

Tommy was climbing on one of the cameras, while Adrian watched, and she noticed that he was keeping an eye on her while pretending not to.

Eventually, they all went out to lunch, and over sandwiches, Tommy looked at her squarely.

"How long have you known my dad?" he inquired as Adam frowned at him.

"Tommy, stop that! It's not polite to ask questions."

"That's okay." She smiled at both of them, and tried to remember. It depended when you started counting. From the first time in the supermarket, or from when they began to make friends. She wasn't sure which to tell them, and decided to go with the former. It made it look as though they had known each other a little longer. "A couple of months, I guess. Something like that."

"Do you go out with him a lot?" Tommy went on, as Adrian grinned and Adam shouted at him to stop.

"Sometimes. We're good friends." But he had spotted something of interest on her left hand, and he was staring at it as she ate her sandwich.

"Are you married?"

There was a long, long pause, and she had avoided Bill's eyes. She wanted to be truthful with them, but this wasn't going to be easy.

"I am." She still wore her wedding ring.

She couldn't bring herself to take it off. Bill had noticed it, too, but had never said anything, and wouldn't have had the courage of his younger son to ask her to explain it. And then, "I was," she corrected.

"Are you divorced?" This time Adam chimed in, curious about the line of questioning his brother had started.

"No, I'm not," she answered quietly. "But I will be."

"When?" His innocent questions went straight to her heart, but she did her best not to show it.

"Maybe around Christmas."

"Oh."

And then Tommy again. "Why do you still wear your wedding ring? My mom wears one like that," he volunteered, "only bigger, and it has a diamond." Adrian's was narrow and simple and she had always loved it.

"It sounds beautiful. I wear mine because well, I guess I was just used to it." She had thought about taking it off in the past month, but couldn't bring herself to do it.

"Did you want to get divorced?" Adam asked then, and Bill decided to step in and get her off the hook. Enough was enough.

"Hey, guys, give the lady a break. Tommy, pay attention to what you're doing or you're going to spill that soda." He rescued a can of root beer from him and looked at Adrian apologetically. He hadn't planned to subject her to the inquisition. "I think we owe Adrian an apology. Her private life is none of our business."

"I'm sorry." Adam looked at her remorsefully. At nearly ten, he knew better. But he'd gotten carried away with what his younger brother had started.

"That's all right. Sometimes it's better to ask about things instead of just wondering. I would have told you if I didn't want to answer."

She didn't answer his question, though, about whether or not she had wanted the divorce. It was still too painful. "What about you?" She looked at the boys seriously.

"Have either of you ever been married?"

Adam grinned and Tommy guffawed. "Come on, I told you, now you tell me. What's the story?" She looked from one to the other as they both started to laugh and Tommy was the first to volunteer information.

"No, but Adam has a girlfriend. Her name is Jenny."

"It is not!" He looked annoyed and gave his brother a shove, as Adrian watched them.

"It is too!" Tommy defended his veracity.

"He used to have a girlfriend named Carol, but she dumped him."

Adrian laughed at him, and looked at Adam kindly. "It happens to the best of us."

She smiled. "And what about you?" She turned to Tommy. "Any girls we should know about? I mean, if we're going to be friends, you probably ought to tell me." They were the same principles they had applied to her, and she enjoyed teasing them a little bit, as Bill watched her.

She was sweet and warm and open with them, just as she was with him.

And he started to fall for her all over again. She was terrific.

They chatted through lunch, and Adrian hated to leave them and go back to the office.

She invited them to come and visit the newsroom, but she didn't invite them to watch the show later that day. Some of the reels they had gotten in were just too grim, and she didn't want them to see that.

But she showed them the studio and the editing rooms, and introduced them to everyone, including Zelda, who glanced at them, and their father, with interest. She questioned Adrian as soon as they'd left and she was back in her office.

"Could this be getting serious?"

"Not likely," Adrian said coolly. After all, Zelda knew she was pregnant. But she also knew that Steven had left her. "Under the circumstances."

"He could do worse." She looked pointedly at her friend. "Hell, nowadays there's no such thing as a virgin." Adrian laughed out loud at what she'd said. That was certainly one way to view it.

"I'll remember that if I ever feel the inclination to start dating."

But that wasn't how she viewed her friendship with Bill Thigpen.

She liked him a great deal, and if she thought about it, she had to admit that she was attracted to him, but she never felt as though that was the issue. They were just very comfortable with each other, and they had a lot in common. And she thought his kids were terrific. She was really getting excited about their trip now. And she was thrilled to have been asked to join them. It was going to be wonderful to get away on a vacation. She thought of dropping Steven a little note, to let him know where she'd be, and then she realized how ridiculous that was. He wasn't even speaking to her, and he had filed for divorce, he was hardly likely to try to reach her. And if he changed his mind and decided to come home, he would certainly call her office to find her.

So she left a memo with Zelda and the manager of the newsroom with a list of the hotels Bill had given her. But she doubted very strongly that anyone would call her.

And as she went back to her desk again, she thought of Adam and Tommy's questions over lunch about her wedding ring and her divorce, and whether or not she had wanted to divorce Steven. And then, as they got busy before the evening news, she forgot all about it.

She saw them again the next day, when they dropped by and Bill asked her if she had a sleeping bag. He had just discovered that he only had three and wanted to know if he should buy one.

"Gee, I don't," she said apologetically. She hadn't even thought of it, but he assured her it was no problem. And he had everything else.

He told her to bring one decent dress for when they went out, and a warm jacket for the nights at Lake Tahoe.

"And that's it?" she teased. "Nothing else?"

"That's right." He smiled and stood close to her, enjoying the thrill of feeling her next to him. It was getting harder and harder to keep his distance. "Just a bathing suit and a pair of jeans."

"You're going to get awfully tired of me if that's all I bring," she warned, but Bill shook his head as he looked at her warmly.

"I doubt it."

"What about games? Is there anything you gentlemen like? Scrabble? Bingo? Cards?"

She had already made a list to herself to pick up a few things to amuse them on the car trip.

And Tommy immediately placed an order for comic books and a squirt gun.

"Never mind that!" Bill admonished them, and then they left again.

They had some last-minute shopping to do too. They were leaving the next morning.

She packed that night when she went home after the evening news, and when she went back to do the late show, everything was ready and standing at the front door. Her two small bags looked strange in the empty apartment. It looked as though she was finally leaving too. The place was so depressing now that it was empty, and she thought about
buying some furniture from time to time, but somehow she just couldn't bring herself to do it. It would make everything so final and there was always the possibility that Steven would come back with everything.

And in any case, in a few months she was going to have to give up the apartment. But it wouldn't hurt anything to have a little furniture in the meantime. She just didn't have the time or the desire to buy it.

Bill called her right after the news, and they chatted for a few minutes about the trip.

He sounded as excited as she felt. She felt like a kid going to camp for the first time, and for the first time in a long time, she felt really happy. Everything had been so difficult for the past two months, except the time she spent with Bill, that was always so different.

"I thought we'd leave around eight. That should get us to Santa Barbara by ten, and we'll have time for a ride or something before lunch. The boys are dying to go riding." It was the first time she thought of it, and she knew it was one of the few things she shouldn't do, and she wondered if Bill would be disappointed.

"I think I might just relax tomorrow while you gentlemen go riding."

"Don't you like horses, Adrian?" He seemed surprised. He'd been hoping to organize an overnight pack trip when they got to Lake Tahoe.

But admittedly, if he couldn't, it wouldn't be a disaster either. He was pretty easygoing about their vacation.

"Not that much. And I'm not an absolutely marvelous rider."

"Neither are we. Well, see how you feel about it tomorrow. And we'll pick you up at eight tomorrow morning." He could hardly wait, and neither could she, as she lay in bed thinking about it that night, and as she did, she ran a hand over her stomach. It was no longer quite so concave, and there was a subtle roundness that was beginning to protrude between her hipbones. And when she stood up, she could really feel it. Some of her clothes were beginning to feel tight, and she was wondering when people would start to notice. Everything would change for her then, including her relationship with Bill. She knew that there was no way he would want to go anywhere with her once it was obvious that she was pregnant. But at least for the moment, she could enjoy being with him, and she was really looking forward to the vacation. And there was no reason why he would suspect then, as long as she wore loose shirts over her jeans and sweatshirts and sweaters.

They picked her up at exactly eight-fifteen, and everything was ready.

Bill picked up both her bags, and she carried a small tote bag with her makeup and toiletries, some snacks for all of them, and the games she had bought for his children.

Bill looked happy and relaxed, and he bent toward her as though he was about to kiss her when he arrived, and then remembered himself and backed away with a shy glance at her, and a look over his shoulder at the two children. He had rented a Wagoneer, and they were fully equipped for all aspects of their trip. The back was piled high with sleeping bags and equipment and valises.

"Is everybody ready?" he asked, beaming at her, as she smiled at him from the front seat next to him, and then glanced back at the two children.

"We are!" they responded in unison.

"Good! Then let's get this show on the road!" He put the car in drive, and they headed north on the freeway. Adam was wearing earphones and listening to a tape, and Tommy hummed to himself as he played with an assortment of little men and soldiers.

And Bill and Adrian chatted easily in the front seat. It was just like being an ordinary family, off on their summer vacation, and as she thought of it, Adrian started to giggle.

She had a big blue bow in her hair, and a pale blue sweatshirt on, and a pair of ancient jeans and sneakers, and Bill thought she looked like a kid herself as she sat next to him and laughed. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing. I love this. I feel like I'm playing a part in a sitcom."

"Better than a part in a soap." He grinned.

"Then you'd have to be married to a man who drinks, with a daughter who had recently run away, and a son who was secretly gay, or you might even be pregnant by someone else, or fighting a fatal disease." He reeled off the possibilities, and although some of them were more apt than he knew, she was still smiling.

"This is a whole lot better."

"It sure is." He put the radio on, and they drove easily to Santa Barbara, and stopped at the San Ysidro Ranch just after ten-thirty.

There was an adorable cottage waiting for them, with two bedrooms and two baths, and a cozy living room with a fireplace. It looked like a honeymoon cottage, and Bill put his things in the boys' room, as he had said he would, and gave Adrian the nicer of the two bedrooms.

"Are you sure?" she asked apologetically.

She felt guilty taking the prettier room, but he insisted that he was happy sharing with the boys in the other. "I could sleep on the couch."

"Sure you could. Or on the floor. Why don't we do that in San Francisco?"

She laughed at him and helped the boys put their things away, and a few minutes later, Bill and the two boys went to inquire about hiring horses. She had begged off, saying that she would organize everything.

They were staying there for two days. And when they got back, everything looked neat and tidy.

"You're a good organizer," he said, smiling.

"Thank you. How was your ride?"

"Lovely. You should have come. The horses are so tame, you could ride them with your eyes closed." Yes, but not with her baby.

"Maybe next time." He sensed that it was something she didn't want to do, so he didn't force it. They ordered lunch and then lay by the pool. But by midafternoon, the boys were bored and chafing for something to do, so Bill organized a game of tennis. It was a perfect match, they were all equally unskilled and laughed so hard they could hardly play at all.

Their conclusion was that Adrian and Tommy won, but only by default, and only because Adam and Bill played even worse than their opponents.

They had dinner in the ranch dining room, and then brought the children back to the cottage to bathe and watch television before Bill put them to bed at nine o'clock and told them he didn't want to hear another word, which, of course, he did until almost eleven.

They whispered and played, and Tommy came out in tears when he couldn't find the battered rabbit that he always slept with.

Adam had hidden it under the bed, and Bill looked happy and tired when the boys finally fell asleep, and he and Adrian sat in the living room and talked in whispers in front of the fireplace.

"They're so cute," she said. She really admired the way he handled them, with more kindness than firmness, and a lot of common sense and love and reason.

"Especially when they're asleep," he agreed. He wanted to tell her she was cute, too, but he didn't dare. One of the children might have woken up and been listening.

"Are you sure you won't go bonkers with two weeks of this?"

"Yes, and I'm going to be awfully lonely when I go home again."

"So will I, when they leave," he said pensively, "it's just brutal. It's always like a reminder of the bad old days when I first moved out here after Leslie left me. But at least now I get busy with the show and I readjust pretty quickly." And maybe this year he'd get lucky and get busy with her. He was hoping that would be the case, but he still wasn't sure what Adrian expected. Distance or closeness. He was never quite sure. Friendship, or romance, or both. He was still being extremely cautious so he didn't lose her. She seldom mentioned her husband anymore, but he knew that he was still very much on her mind, just from little things she said. And Adam had had a good point about her wedding band. Just exactly why did she wear it?

"I can't thank you enough for letting me come on this vacation."

"Don't worry. You'll hate me for it before it's over." He grinned, but they both knew that wasn't true. The boys were terrific.

"Is there anything special you want me to do? Stuff I can do to help you with them?"

"They'll let you know."

"I don't know much about kids," she said wistfully, but she was going to have to learn soon.

"They'll teach you everything you need to know. I think what means the most to them," he said thoughtfully as he sat back against the couch next to her, "is honesty. That means a lot to kids. Most kids have a lot of respect for straight shooters."

"So do I." It was something she had liked about him right since the beginning.

"I like that about you too," he said calmly, still speaking softly so they wouldn't wake the children. "There are a lot of things I like about you, Adrian." She was silent for a moment and then she nodded.

"I can't have been much fun in the past few weeks. My life has been kind of up in the air."

That was the understatement of a lifetime.

"You seem to be handling it pretty well, all things considered. It's a bitch when you're not the one who wants a divorce. But sometimes I think those things happen for a reason. Maybe there's something better out there waiting for you . . . a situation that might make you a lot happier than your marriage to Steven." It was hard to imagine that, not that they had been so blissfully happy every moment of the day.

But she had never questioned what they had. It just seemed right, and as though it was forever. "What did your parents say when he left?"

He had already surmised that she wasn't close to them, but he imagined they would be pretty shocked in proper Boston.

She hesitated and then smiled, obviously slightly embarrassed. "I haven't told them."

"Are you serious?" She nodded. "Why?"

"I didn't want to upset them. And I thought that if he came back, it would just be less awkward not to have told them."

"That's one way to look at it. Do you think he will come back?" His heart did a flip as he asked the questIon.

She shook her head, unable to explain all the complicated ins and outs of the situation.

Unwilling more than unable. She did not want to tell him that she was pregnant. "No, but there are some complicated little problems that make the whole thing difficult to explain to my parents." Maybe he was gay, Bill thought. That was a possibility he hadn't even considered.

And he didn't want to pry and embarrass her further. That would have explained a lot, and she didn't appear to want to elaborate on the matter.

They chatted on for a while, and eventually they stood up and said good night, as he looked longingly at her, and smiled as she waved and closed the door to her bedroom.

She didn't lock the door that night, because she trusted him and knew she didn't need to.

And she didn't wake up until the next day when she heard the boys listening to the television in the living room. It was eight o'clock in the morning. And by the time she came out, showered and fresh, in jeans, a pink shirt, and pink sneakers, Bill had already ordered her breakfast.

"Are pancakes and sausages okay?" he asked, glancing over the paper, as she groaned.

"Great. Except I'll be as big as a house before we ever get to Lake Tahoe." He already knew that she liked to eat, and he admired the fact that it didn't really show, except slightly around her middle.

"You can diet when we get back. I'll join you." He had sausages and eggs and toast and orange juice and coffee, and Adrian ate everything on her plate, and the boys devoured silver dollar pancakes. They went for another morning ride, and that afternoon they walked all over Santa Barbara. She bought the boys a kite, and they drove out to the beach
after that to fly it. And they were all windblown and happy when they went back to the hotel for dinner. And that night the boys fell into bed exhausted, shortly after seven. She had forced them to take a bath, and they had growled at her, but Bill had seconded her suggestion.

"What kind of vacation is this anyway?"

Tommy looked outraged as she answered.

"A clean one!" But they had forgiven her by the time they went to bed and she told them a long, long story. It was a story she remembered from when she was a little girl, about a boy who had gone far, far across the ocean and discovered a magic island. Her father had told it to her, and she embellished it for them, and they both fell asleep right after she told it.

"What did you do? Give them sleeping pills? I've never seen them conk out like that," he said admiringly.

"I think it was the kite and the beach and the bath, and the big dinner. I'm ready to fall asleep too," she laughed, as he poured them each a glass of wine. It had been a wonderful day, and even a call from the director of the show hadn't upset him. There was a minor problem that was easily resolved by phone, and he was totally relaxed as he sat next to her on the couch and they chatted about his children.

"Did you always know you'd like kids?" she asked.

"Hell, no." He laughed. "When I first heard Leslie was pregnant I was scared stiff. I didn't know one end of a baby from the other." She smiled at his answer. That's how Steven was, but he hadn't stood his ground to face it, he had run away, unlike Bill with Adam. She was still convinced that eventually he would have discovered it wasn't so bad . . . if he'd been willing to try . . . and he might still. . .

"You're good with kids, Adrian. You should have children one day. You'd be a wonderful mother."

"How do you know that?" she asked worriedly. "What if I weren't?" It was something she had worried about a lot lately.

"How does anyone know? You do your best. You can't do more than that."

"It's pretty scary."

He nodded his agreement. "But so is anything in life. How did you know you'd be any good at working on the news, or going to college, or being married? You tried it. That's all you can do."

"Yeah." She smiled ruefully. "And I wasn't so great at that."

"Bullshit, it sounds more to me like he blew it, you didn't. You didn't walk out on him. He did."

"He had his reasons."

"Probably. But at least you tried. You can't spend the rest of your life reproaching yourself or feeling guilty."

"Don't you?" she asked honestly. "Don't you feel somewhat responsible for the failure of your marriage?"

"Yes." He was equally honest. "But I know it wasn't entirely my fault. I worked too hard and I neglected my wife, but I loved her and I was a good husband, and I wouldn't have left her. So some of it is my fault, but not all of it. I don't feel nearly as responsible as I used to."

"That's encouraging. I still feel so damn guilty." She hesitated and then decided to tell him.". . . And like such a failure."

"You're not. You just have to tell yourself that it didn't work. The next time it will be better," he said confidently, and this time she laughed.

"Oh, 'the next time. What makes you think there'll be a 'next time'? I'm not that dumb . . . or that brave!" And besides, with a baby on her own, who would want her? She still couldn't envision a future with anyone except Steven. But Bill sat back and hooted at what she'd said to him.

"Are you serious? Do you really think this is it? At thirty-one, you think it's all over?"

He looked more amused than sympathetic.

"That's the silliest thing I've ever heard."

Particularly for a woman who looked and thought and behaved the way she did. Any man in the world would have been lucky to share his life with her, and he would have been more than happy to try it.

"Well, you haven't done it again." She looked at him searchingly and he smiled.

"You're right. But I've never found the right woman." He had also been pretty careful not to.

"Why not?"

"Scared," he admitted to her. "Busy. Lazy. Not in the mood. A lot of reasons. Besides, I was older than you are
when I got divorced. I already had two kids. And I knew I didn't want any more children. That took away some of my incentive to look for someone to marry.

"Why not? No more kids, I mean."

"I don't want to have kids and lose them again," he said, almost sadly.

"Once is enough. I couldn't do this again. It tears my heart out every time they go back to New York. I wouldn't be willing to take that risk again now." She nodded, thinking that she understood it.

"It must be rough," she said sympathetically.

"It is. Rougher than you can imagine." And then he smiled tenderly at her, and for a moment she wanted to tell him about the baby.

"Sometimes life is more complicated than it looks," she said cryptically.

"That's for sure." He wondered what she meant but didn't press her.

He had a feeling that more had happened with Steven than she was willing to tell him. Another woman, another man, some special kind of heartbreak or disappointment.

They talked for a long time that night, sitting close to each other, looking into the fire.

It was a cool night and he had lit it early on and it was still burning. The children never stirred, and they were both tired, but neither of them seemed to want to leave the other.

They seemed to have a myriad of things to talk about, experiences to relate, opinions to share, and as the night wore on, without thinking, Bill seemed to move closer to her. It was an expression of how he felt about her, and she didn't seem to object, and suddenly near midnight, he looked at her and couldn't remember what he'd been saying. All he could think of was how much he wanted her, and without thinking, he reached out and touched her face with both his hands, and murmuring her name, he gently kissed her.

She hadn't been prepared for it, and she was totally surprised, yet she didn't push him away or move. And she found herself kissing him back, and then longing for him as he held her. And then finally, she pulled away and looked up at him sadly.

"Bill . . . don't . .

"I'm sorry," he said, but he wasn't. He had never been happier in his life, never wanted a woman more, never loved anyone as he loved her.

He loved her with all the emptiness and longing of the past seven years, and all the tenderness and wisdom of his full forty. "I'm sorry, Adrian . . . I didn't mean to upset you. .

She stood up slowly and walked across the room, as though she had to pull herself away physically so she wouldn't do something foolish.

"You haven't upset me." She turned and looked at him regretfully.

"It's just . . . I can't explain it . . . I don't want to cause you pain."

"Me?" He looked stunned. "How could you possibly cause me pain?" He walked toward her and took her hands in his own, looking deep into the blue eyes he already loved so dearly.

"Take my word for it. I have nothing to give anyone just now. Except headaches."

He smiled at her. "You make it sound very appealing." He wanted to kiss her again, but he forced himself not to.

"I'm serious." And she looked it. She was a lot more serious than he knew. She didn't want to burden anyone with the responsibility of her baby. If Steven didn't want it, then she had no right to burden anyone else with it, certainly not Bill, who had his life and his hands full with his own children. And he had already told her he didn't want more. This was her problem, and no one else's.

"I'm serious, too, Adrian. I didn't want to rush you, because I know the divorce has been a tremendous blow." He looked down at her and everything he felt for her seemed to pour through him. "Adrian . . . I love you. I know this sounds crazy, and it hasn't been long, but I do. I'm not going to press you, and if this is the wrong time, I'll wait . but give it a chance, please . . . give me a chance." He was whispering and then he couldn't stop himself from doing it again. He kissed her. And at first she tried to resist him, but only for a moment and then she melted into his arms again, knowing that she was
falling in love with him too. But she couldn't.

It wasn't fair. She was breathless and looked worried when he stopped and he only smiled and touched her lips with his fingers. "I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself. Don't worry about upsetting me. I can wait till you sort things out with Steven."

"But that's not fair to you."

"It's even less fair not to let this happen. We've been drawn to each other like magnets since we met. Call it kismet, destiny, fate, call it whatever you want. But I feel as though it was meant to be. And I don't want to lose that. You can't run away from it, and I'm not rushing you. I'll wait. Forever, if I have to."

It was quite an offer and she was touched to her very soul. She felt the same way about him, but the baby changed everything for her.

She had to give Steven a chance to come back, if he changed his mind.

And she had to devote all her love and energies to the baby.

And it wasn't fair to walk into Bill's life pregnant by her previous husband. It sounded too much like the bible for his show, and she almost groaned as she thought of trying to explain it. "I promise, I won't try to force anything. I won't even kiss you again while we're away if you don't want me to. I just want to be with you, and get to know you."

"Oh, Bill." She slipped into his arms again and he held her for a long time, and she wanted to stay there forever. He was everything she had always wanted, except that he wasn't her husband, or the baby's father.

"I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything. Just be patient with yourself, and with me. And give it time. And then we'll see. Maybe we'll discover that it's not right and it never will be. But at least let's give it a fair chance. Okay?" He looked down at her hopefully as she thought it over.

"Please."

"But you don't know . . ."there's so much you don't know about me."

"What can it possibly be that's so terrible? You cheated on your husband? What terrible secrets are you hiding from
me?" He was teasing her to lighten the moment, and she smiled. It wasn't a terrible secret, just a big one. A baby. "I can't believe that there's anything so awful lurking in your past, or even your present, that would change how I feel about you." She almost laughed at that, remembering how strongly Steven had felt about the baby. But this was not Steven, It was Bill, and she almost believed that he really loved her. But taking her on pregnant was asking too much of anyone, even Bill.

She just couldn't do that. "Why don't we just let things ride for a while, relax, enjoy our holiday, and when we go home we can get serious about things, and talk everything over. Is that a deal? Shall we keep it light till then? And I'll behave myself. I promise." He held out his hand to shake hers and overcame, with difficulty, another overwhelming desire to kiss her. "Agreed?"

She shook his hand reluctantly and smiled.

"You drive a hard bargain." But she was glad. For a moment, she had been tempted to go back to L.A. to get away from her own desire for him, but she was glad that she hadn't.

"And don't you forget it." He wagged a finger at her. "I play for keeps," he whispered as he turned off the lights, and a few minutes later, they both went to bed, with their own thoughts, and the memory of the passion that had almost been unleashed between them.

But they both knew it was there now, and even if they controlled it, sooner or later it would have to be dealt with. He was a serious man, Adrian knew, and a serious force to contend with.

CHAPTER 16.

THEY DROVE TO SAN FRANCISCO THE NEXT day, and they stopped in Carmel on the way, and browsed through the little shops, talking and laughing, and Adrian bought little odds and ends for the boys. But today, Bill was fairly quiet. He was thinking of the night before, and wondering what it was that she was so worried about, why it was that she was so certain he would reject her. He knew it had to do with her marriage, or her divorce, and he wondered what it was that she wouldn't tell him.

But by the time they reached San Francisco, he had relaxed again, and he was feeling better. They went to Fisherman's Wharf, rode the cable cars, visited Ghirardelli Square, and stopped at every possible tourist attraction. It was an exhausting two days, and Adrian looked pale when they finally headed for the Napa Valley.

"You okay?" Bill asked softly the morning they left. He was driving, although she had offered to take a turn at the wheel, but he wanted her to relax and enjoy the drive through Sonoma. There were fields of wildflowers and vineyards, cows and sheep and horses grazing in fields, and beautiful tall trees that shaded them as the road turned, and they could see the hills in the distance.

"You look tired." He was worried about her.

She seemed to tire very easily, and she would grow pale, although she seldom complained about it. But she seemed healthy on the whole, she ate well, and she was always in excellent spirits. After their serious exchange on the second night of the trip, he had forced himself not to get too close to her, or tackle any serious subjects. She knew how he felt about her now, and he easily sensed that she felt the same, but he also knew that something was stopping her, and he wanted to give her plenty of time and space to resolve it. The one thing he was sure of was that he didn't want to lose her.

She was also wonderful with the boys, and they had never been happier with any of his friends. They teased her mercilessly, and Tommy loved to tickle her, and play with her hair and climb all over her just to let her know that he liked her. They were crazy about her, and they looked like a perfectly normal family as they made their way through the Napa Valley. They stayed at a cozy Victorian inn, visited several wineries, and drove slowly north, after a hot, sunny afternoon gliding in Calistoga. She wouldn't go gliding with them, but Bill didn't press the point, nor would she go in the hot-air balloon he rented to show the boys the rest of the Napa Valley at sunrise. She insisted that she hated heights and absolutely refused to do it, and he had a feeling there was more to it than that, but she wouldn't say what and he didn't
want to ask her. The boys were disappointed that she wouldn't go, and she tried to make light of it. And then, without thinking any more about it, they headed for Lake Tahoe.

She shared the driving with him, but she liked to stop every couple of hours to stretch her legs. She said she got too stiff if she drove for too long without stopping. So they stopped at the Nut Tree on the way up, and again at Placerville, and the boys had a great time riding the train at the Nut Tree.

They reached Lake Tahoe on Friday afternoon, and the mountain air was cool and beautiful, beneath a cameo-blue sky with little puffs of white cloud chasing each other across the mountains. It was perfect.

They easily found the campsite they had reserved, and Bill set up their tents. He had a larger one for him and the boys, and a smaller one he had bought especially for Adrian. He set them up side by side, and Tommy announced he wanted to sleep with her, which was going to be very cozy, but she seemed very flattered. They had all been wonderful to her, and in some ways, she felt as though she didn't deserve it. She was driving herself nuts weighing everything, thinking of what they meant to her, and yet feeling that at some point she would have to pull back. She couldn't get involved with Bill, if she was going to have the baby. And yet, she couldn't seem to stay away from him. All she wanted to do was talk to him night and day, and look at him, and enjoy his company and feel his warmth somewhere near her. She kept finding herself standing next to him, brushing hands with him, wanting to feel his hands on her face agaIn, and his lips on hers. And all she could do was look at him and wish that things were different. She didn't regret the baby inside her, but she found herself regretting that the baby wasn't his, wishing that life had dealt them a different hand, and she had never married Steven.

"What were you thinking about just then?"

She had been standing still, staring into the woods, and he had been watching her. She had looked so sad that it worried him, like her occasional pallor.

"Nothing . . ." She didn't want to tell him. "Just dreaming."

"Yes, you were thinking about something. You looked so sad." He touched her hand for an instant and then pulled away. He had to keep reminding himself not to touch her, and it was anything but easy. He wanted to tell her again that he loved her, but he knew he had to wait, until she was ready to hear it.

He went on setting up the tents, and Adam helped him expertly. They did a very fine job, and then Adam and Adrian went to buy groceries while Bill and Tommy "set up camp."

They were having a great time, and Adrian loved it. They bought steaks for Bill to barbecue, and hot dogs and marshmallows, and lots of good things for breakfast. Adrian was beginning to feel as though they were eating night and day, and she was becoming distinctly aware of her expanding waistline. In the week they had been gone, she had outgrown almost everything she had brought with her. It wasn't so much that she had put on weight, but suddenly her shape had changed radically, almost overnight, and their first night there she had to borrow one of Bill's big bulky sweaters. He didn't seem to mind, or to notice the reason for it, for which she was very grateful. She didn't want him to know, and she was still wondering how she was going to cut things off when they got home. It wasn't fair to continue tormenting him, or herself, and she couldn't begin a romance with him while she was pregnant.

Maybe afterward, if they just stayed friends.

Maybe then, if he knew about the baby, then maybe it would be fair . . . she thought about it constantly, and he could see that she was deeply troubled.

"You're doing it again," he whispered as they sat by the campfire that night, after a delicious dinner. The boys had sung songs until they fell asleep, and they were both in Bill's tent, but Tommy swore he was sleeping with Adrian the next night.

"Doing what?" she mused, sitting close to him and staring into the fire with a distant look. It had been a lovely evening.

"Thinking about something much too serious. Every now and then your eyes get sad. I wish you'd tell me what's bothering you." It upset him that she shut him out at times, yet most of the time they had never been closer.

"Nothing's bothering me." But she wasn't convincing and he wasn't convinced.

"I wish I believed you."

"I've never been happier." She looked him in the eye and he believed her, and yet he knew she was also preoccupied about something. She was worrying about the baby. How she would take care of it. What it would be like being all alone with it . . . giving birth with no one there to support her. As the baby grew, it became more real to her, and she was beginning to get worried. And she was afraid of losing Bill, and yet she knew she had to. It was inevitable once he knew, if not sooner.

And suddenly, as she thought of all that, there were tears in her eyes, and Bill saw it, and without saying a word to her, he pulled her into his arms and held her.

"I'm right here for you, Adrian . . . I'm right here . . . for as long as you need me."

"Why are you so good to me?" she said through her tears. "I don't deserve this."

"Stop saying that."

She felt so guilty toward him. It wasn't fair misleading him and not telling him about the baby, and yet she couldn't. What could she tell him? That she was here on a camping trip with him and his children, and she was falling in love with him, and yet she was pregnant with Steven's baby? How could she? And then suddenly she was laughing through her tears at the absurdity of it all. It was a ridiculous situation.

"Where were you a few years ago anyway?" She laughed and he smiled in answer to her question.

"Making a fool of myself as usual. But better late than never." The trouble was that he was too late.

She nodded, and they sat that way for a long time, holding each other, and looking into the fire, but this time he didn't kiss her.

He wanted to, but he didn't want to upset her.

He suggested they go to bed finally, and helped her into her tent, and then got into his sleeping bag in his, and a minute later he heard a noise, and she was standing next to him, looking worried.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she whispered nervously, "I heard a noise over there." She pointed into the distance outside his tent. "Did you hear it?"

He shook his head, he had already been half asleep when she woke him.

"No, it's nothing. Coyotes maybe."

"Do you think it could be a bear?"

He grinned at her, wanting to tell her it was ten of them and she'd better get in his sleeping bag to stay safe, but he didn't. "I don't think so. And the bears around here are pretty tame," despite an occasional disaster, but usually then the bears were teased, they seldom if ever attacked unprovoked, and she wasn't provoking anyone but him, standing there in her blue jeans and his sweater. "Do you want to sleep in here with us? It'll be a tight fit, but the boys will love it." She nodded, looking like a kid, and he smiled at her as she settled down in her own sleeping bag next to him, and she fell asleep, holding tightly to his hand as he lay next to her, and watched her.

CHAPTER 17.



THE FOUR OF THEM WOKE UP IN THE TENT together the next day, and Tommy immediately took advantage of the situation to pounce on his father.

He tickled him mercilessly, and then Adam and Bill turned the tables on Tommy. Adrian had to come to his rescue then, so Bill tickled her, while Adam assisted, and within moments they were a wild tangle of arms and legs and feet and squeals and hands that were tickling anything, anywhere on anyone, until Adrian finally begged them to stop, laughing so hard, she split the zipper on her blue jeans. Fortunately, she knew she had another pair, so she didn't panic. But she was laughing so hard, she could hardly walk, and so were the others as they all stumbled out into the sunshine. It was a nice way to wake up, and it was certainly a lot better than waking up in the empty silence of her now unfurnished apartment.

"How come you slept with us last night?"
Adam asked as he stretched in the sunshine.

"She was afraid of being eaten by a bear," Bill explained matter-of-factly.

"I was not." She tried to cover up as he hooted and the kids grinned.

"You were too! Who showed up in our tent after we were all asleep and said she heard noises?"

"I thought you said it was coyotes."

"I did."

"All right, then, I was afraid of being eaten by a coyote." She laughed and they laughed with her, and as she organized breakfast with Adam's help, Bill announced plans to take everyone fishing right after breakfast.

"And we can eat whatever we catch for dinner tonight."

"Great. Who's cleaning?" Adam was quick to ask. He knew that game from previous camping trips with his father. He usually wound up cleaning the fish even when his father did have a girlfriend along, because they were always too squeamish.

"I'll tell you what," Bill suggested as Adrian lit the fire. "We each clean our own. Is that fair?"

"Perfectly," Adrian agreed with a broad grin, "because I've never caught anything in my life. I'll have a hot dog."

"No fair!" Adam complained, sniffing at the bacon she was cooking.

"Can we have corn bread?" Tommy inquired, it was one of his favorite things about camping. That and sharing a sleeping bag with his father.

It was like sleeping with a big teddy bear who cuddled all night and kept you warm and toasty.

"I'll cook some tonight," Bill promised, looking up at the sky. It was a gorgeous day, and all was right with the world. He looked at Adrian over the boys' heads, and smiled at her, and she felt her heart turn to mush inside her.

"Why don't we go swimming today?"

Adrian suggested as she fried her eggs. It was almost warm enough already, and in another hour it would be. It was freezing in the lake, but there was a lively river that ran a little distance behind where they were camping.

They had seen it the day before, and there was a cascade of water running out of the mountains that made a sizable current to raft on.

"Let's go fishing first." It was Bill's suggestion, as she served him his breakfast and then served the children. But they agreed with Adrian, they wanted to go swimming, and fishing later.

"All right, all right. We'll go swimming, and then I'll buy the bait. And after lunch, we can get down to serious business. And whoever doesn't catch a fish will starve." He growled at them and they all laughed, as Adrian looked at him primly.

"Just don't forget my hot dog."

"Oh, no. You too. And don't tell me you're afraid of water." He was teasing her because she hadn't gone gliding or up in the balloon in the Napa Valley. But that was because of the baby, just like the horses she had avoided in Santa Barbara. The only thing was, he didn't know it.

"I am not afraid of water." She looked highly insulted at the suggestion, as she finished her eggs. She had just eaten yet another mammoth breakfast. But the mountain air made her ravenously hungry.

"I was captain of the swimming team at Stanford, thank you very much. And I was a lifeguard for two summers."

"Can you dive real good?" Tommy inquired, highly impressed by her credentials.

"Pretty good." She smiled at him, tousling his hair with a gentle hand.

"Will you teach me when we get back to Dad's place?"

"Sure."

"Me too," Adam said quietly. He liked her a lot, and he admired her even if she hadn't gone up in the hot-air balloon. "Dad taught me to dive last year, but I think I forgot over the winter."

"We'll get to work on it as soon as we get back." She cleaned up the breakfast things then, and they helped her. They rolled up their sleeping bags, and then took turns changing into their bathing suits, before zipping up their tents and going to the river.

Adrian wore a T-shirt over her suit, which looked fine, even to Bill.

And they found a wonderful swimming hole full of other families and children and jumped in and out of it, laughing and teasing, and splashing water on each other. And in the distance, well beyond it and some rocks, were the rapids where people were rafting.

They played in the swimming hole for well over an hour, and then finally Bill got out and announced that he was driving to the store to buy bait and some supplies and he'd be back in a little while, and Adrian and the boys opted to stay in the swimming hole until he came back again. They were having a good time, and there was plenty of time for fishing later. He also wanted to look into renting a "364" boat for them, and he had to go to the baitand-tackle shop to do it.

"I'll meet you back at the campsite," he called out to Adrian with a wave as he disappeared across the clearing, and she turned back to the children. Tommy was having a wonderful time, and Adam was trying to dive underwater to see how deep it was, but she told him not to. The water wasn't clear and she couldn't tell if there were rocks and she didn't want him getting hurt, but he was very reasonable and listened to what she told him.

She was explaining to him that it was never a good idea to dive where you didn't know exactly how deep it was, and she turned to explain the same thing to Tommy, and as she did, she realized that he was nowhere to be found. She began to panic as she looked for him, then she saw him on the rocks, watching the people in the rafts shooting the rapids in the river just beyond them. She called out to him, ready to scold him for leaving the swimming hole without telling her, and he didn't seem to hear her. She called him again, and then decided to get out and go get him. She asked Adam to get out and wait for her, and she got out and clambered over the rocks to go and get Tommy.

She called his name and Tommy turned and grinned mischievously at her, and she climbed over more rocks in her effort to reach him. He was standing on the riverbank and leaning as far forward as he could, as three rafts came racing past him. It looked like great fun to him, and he was planning to ask his father to rent a raft and take them rafting.

It was a lot more fun than renting a rowboat and fishing in the middle of Lake Tahoe.

"Tommy! Come back here!" she called out to him, and Adam followed her over the rocks a little more slowly, annoyed that his brother had dragged them out of the swimming hole. But as he watched him, suddenly the smaller boy disappeared. He slipped right off the bank and into the turbulent water.

"Tommy!" Adrian screamed at him. She had seen it, too, but he didn't hear her as he began moving swiftly downstream toward the rocks that were far down the river.

Adrian looked frantically for something to hold out to him, an oar, a pole, a limb from a tree, and at first there was nothing, and no one had yet seen what had happened. Adam came running toward her and he started to scream the boy's name, too, but all Adrian could see was a look of panic on his face as he was carried downstream, and suddenly two men realized what had happened.

"Get him! . . . Get the boy! . . ." one of them shouted to the people in the raft, but they couldn't hear over the roar of the water, and they didn't see the small figure in the blue bathing suit as he bobbed under the water. He was flailing wildly with his arms, but he kept going down and Adrian realized instantly that something terrible was about to happen.

Adam was crying hysterically, and he started to jump in, but she grabbed at him and pushed him roughly aside, shouting at him as she pushed him away from the water.

"No! Adam, don't you go in there!" and as soon as she said the words she ran away from him, and as fast as she could, she ran along the river, sailing over rocks, and leaping over obstacles and trees and pushing away people in her path. She had never run so fast in her life and she knew that his life depended on it, and all along the riverbank people were screaming. They had seen him now. But everyone seemed to be helpless. Two men shoved an oar at him from one of the boats, but he was too small and too stunned to grab it, and he was pushed under the surface by the currents and disappeared again as Adrian continued to run without stopping for breath or for anything. She knew exactly what she was doing and where she was going, if only it wasn't too late by the time she got there. She could feel branches rip her legs, and something struck her hip, and her feet were numb from the sharp rocks, and her lungs screamed, but she could still see him, and then she dove, just before the rocks where the water was the roughest. She dove smoothly near the surface of the water, praying that she wouldn't hit anything and that she could catch him before it was too late. If she didn't, it would be all over, and no matter what it took, she knew she couldn't let that happen.

She was almost hit by an oar as she swam past, strong and swift and sure, battered by the currents, and in the distance she could hear people shouting, and from somewhere there was the whine of a siren.

And then, as she was pushed down by the force of the water, suddenly she struck something hard, it hit her in the face, and she grabbed at it, and as she touched it, she knew she had him. It was Tommy. She pushed him to the surface, gasping for air herself, and the current dragged her down again, but she shoved him high above her head, trying to force him out of the water. He was sputtering and gasping, and swallowing water each time they went down, and he was fighting her with what strength he had, but she wouldn't loosen her grip on him and as the currents kept ripping at her, she kept pushing him upward, and then suddenly he was gone. She couldn't feel the weight of him anymore. He was somewhere and she couldn't find him, she was pressed down into a black hole, and she was falling into something very deep and very soft, and it was quiet there, as she continued falling.

CHAPTER 18.



IT SOUNDED AS THOUGH THERE WERE SIrens everywhere as Bill came back from the bait shop. He set his bag down outside the tent, and stretched his legs in the sun as he waited for them, and as he sat there, an ambulance roared past him. He had an odd feeling for just a moment as he watched it disappear, and then almost instinctively began walking toward the swimming hole where he had left Adrian and the children. And as he got there, he found Adam, running up and down on the riverbank, crying hysterically and waving his arms in the direction of the river.

"Oh my God . - ." Bill felt his whole body trembling as he ran to him, and several adults were already standing there trying to console him. Adam was calling Tommy's name and when he saw his father he ran to him. Bill clutched Adam to him and then pulled him away just as quickly. "What happened? What happened?" He shook him trying to calm him so he could understand, but Adam could only wave in the direction where the ambulance and two forestry jeeps now stood, and Bill left him and ran frantically toward them.

There was a huge crowd of people near them now, and people from the rafts were shouting something, just as Bill reached the spot where a cluster of rangers stood, several of them half in the water, and Bill saw them grab a small lump of flesh with a patch of bright blue, and he realized with horror that it was his son, unconscious and blue, and they laid him quickly on the ground, checked his breathing, and one of the men began breathing for him, as Bill sobbed, watching. He was dead
- . - he had to be - . - people were staring in horror as Bill pushed past them to the boy and dropped to his knees next to the rangers.

"Please - . - oh - - - God - . - please... do something. - ." All he could think of was the boy, the baby he so dearly loved, and as he watched him, suddenly there was a terrible splutter and a cough and a explosion of water. He was stIll gray, but
he moved, and a moment later, he opened his eyes and looked up at his father. He seemed a little dazed at first, and then he started to cry, as Bill leaned his face down next to his and sobbed as he held him.

"Oh, baby - - - oh, baby Tommy. - - I love you "It - . - I - - ." He gagged again, and vomited what looked like gallons of water, but the paramedics were watching him closely and he was going to be all right.

He looked bruised, and there was mud in his hair and there were scratches all over him, but he was alive. He kept looking at Bill frantically, and when he stopped vomiting he spoke, and Bill's heart almost stopped when he heard him. "Where's - . - Adrian?" Adrian.

Oh my God. He turned, suddenly realizing that he hadn't seen her anywhere, and as he turned, he saw the men lifting her limp form from the water.

"Watch him!" Bill said to one of the men standing near the boy, and in two strides he was next to her, but she looked dead. She was pale gray, and there was a terrible gash on one arm and one leg. But it was the look on her face that was so frightening. It reminded him of a highway accident he had seen once, and the woman had been dead in the car when he got there. "Oh my God - . - can you do anything?" he asked, but no one was listening to him. They were trying to
resuscitate her, and there was no response from her.

"Is she your wife?" someone asked him quickly, as he started to shake his head, and then nodded. It was simpler than explaining the situation. "She saved the boy," the man explained. "He would have gone over the rocks in another minute. She kept him up near the surface till we got him, but I think I she hit her head." And there was blood gushing from the cut on her arm. There was blood everywhere as Bill watched in horror.

"Is she breathing?" Bill asked as he stared at her. There were four men bending over her body, and tears rolled down his cheeks as he watched. She had died trying to save his son - - - she had saved him and - - - they were trying to resuscitate her, but nothing was happening. And suddenly the siren was on again, and two of the men shouted to the driver.

"We've got a heartbeat!" She gave a small gasp then, but she still looked terrible, as they continued to give her artificial respiration, and then they looked victoriously at Bill.

"She's breathing on her own again. We're going to take her to the hospital. Do you want to ride with us?"

"Yes. Will she be all right?" he asked, as he looked frantically in the direction of where he had left Adam.

"We don't know yet. We don't know what kind of head injury she has, and she's lost a lot of blood from the wound in her arm. It's right near an artery. It's going to be close."

He looked at Bill honestly, as he wound a tourniquet around her arm, and he was keeping pressure on it. Adam had just come running up to him, he was still crying and he clung to his father, as the paramedics lifted Tommy into the ambulance on a stretcher.

Bill hopped in after him, and someone helped Adam in and handed him a blanket, as two of the paramedics lifted Adrian in. She was still deathly white, and there was an oxygen mask on her face. Bill knelt down beside her.

"Is she dead?" Adam asked in a voice full of grief, and Tommy just stared at her. There were still leaves in her hair, and one of the men was keeping pressure on her arm, as Bill shook his head in answer to Adam's question.

She wasn't dead, but she was barely breathing.

They made it to the hospital in ten minutes flat, with Bill praying as he stroked her face and watched her. Twice he saw the paramedics checking her more closely, and he could see they didn't like what they saw, but there was a team waiting for them when they got to Truckee.

Tommy was lifted out after that, and Adam climbed out of the ambulance.

They all looked as though they were in shock, and an elderly nurse spoke quietly to Bill.

"I'll stay with the boys so you can be with your wife. They'll be fine. We'll find some warm clothes for them, and they want to keep an eye on the little one for a while anyway. They'll be fine." He nodded, and told them both he'd be back in a
little while, and he pounded the pavement as he ran into the building where Adrian had been taken.

"Where is she?" he asked as soon as he was inside. They knew whom he meant, she was the most critically ill patient they had at the moment, and a nurse pointed to a pair of swinging doors almost at the same moment as he flew through them. He found himself inside a high-tech emergency room, and there seemed to be a thousand knobs and dials, a flood of bright lights, and a dozen people in green pajamas working on her still form.

They seemed to be doing ten thousand things at once, and they were watching half a dozen monitors and reporting things in codes he didn't understand. It was like watching a science fiction movie. And inside he felt numb.

He still couldn't understand what had happened. All he knew was that something terrible had happened to Tommy, and she had saved him, but at what price, and if she lived, he would be forever grateful. But for the moment that appeared to be less than likely.

This woman whom he barely knew, the girl he had fallen in love with, was lying there like someone in a bad dream or a rotten movie.

"What's happening?" he asked them repeatedly, but they were too busy to answer.

He saw them sew up her arm, start a blood transfusion, an IV, and administer an EKG, and still she was gray and unconscious. And he couldn't get near her. There were too many of them, and she was too injured, and there was too much they had to do to try to save her.

Finally, as he began to feel sick watching it all, one of the doctors took him aside and asked him if he would come outside for a few moments.

"Would you like to sit down?" He had noticed how desperate Bill looked, and Bill sank gratefully into a chair, thinking of what was happening in that room, the desperate fight for life that she appeared to be losing.

"What's happening?" he asked again, and this time he got the answers.

"As you obviously know, your wife almost drowned. She's taken a lot of water into her lungs, and she lost a great deal of blood from the cut on her arm. She hit an artery and that alone could have been fatal. There must have been something awfully sharp under the surface of the water. In addition, she appears to have sustained a considerable blow on the head. At first we were afraid of a fracture, but I think that's not the case. We think she's got a concussion, and of course things are complicated further by her condition."

"What condition?" He looked horrified and confused. Her medical history was a complete mystery to him, and all he could think of were things like diabetes. "Will she be all right?"

"We don't know yet." He looked even more serious then as he looked at Bill. "And given the extent of her injuries, it's a distinct possibility that she could lose the baby." Bill stared at him in stupefaction as he said it.

"The baby?" He felt totally confused and like a complete fool.

"Of course," the doctor went on, assuming he was in shock and having trouble remembering anything after almost losing his son, and still being in danger of losing his pregnant wife. "She must be, what four, four and a half months pregnant?"

"I - . - of course . . - I - . - I'm just so upset, I - - -" It was insanity, why was he pretending she was his wife? And why did he feel like this? Why did he actually feel as though she were his wife and this were his baby? And why in God's name hadn't she told him? He felt as though he had had yet another shock, as the doctor asked him to stay where he was. He was going back to check on Adrian again and he would report to Bill the moment there was any change in the situation.

He sat there alone for a long time, trying to absorb what had happened and what he had just heard, and for a long moment, he just couldn't.

It was impossible to understand what had gone on, except suddenly little pieces of the puzzle began to fit into place - - . her enormous appetite - - - the fact that she looked as though she had gained a little weight since he first met her - . - but far more importantly, Steven's leaving her but why, if she was having a baby? He had to be some kind of son of a bitch, Bill thought to himself. And that was also why she kept thinking he might be coming back, and why she still wore her wedding ring probably - . - and it was why she was loath to get into a relationship with him. Suddenly, it all made sense. Except now she might lose the baby. Four and a half months was serious - and she might die herself, which was a great deal more so. He felt as though his heart had just been torn out, as another doctor came slowly toward him. He looked ominous as Bill stared up at him, afraid of what he was going to tell him.

"We've done everything we can for her. She's breathing on her own, she's had a unit of blood. The concussion is severe but not necessarily fatal, there's no fracture of her skull . - but we're just going to have to wait. She's still unconscious."

And Bill knew that she could just slip into a coma and die.

Those things happened sometimes. "There's no reason to expect permanent damage from this, if she survives - But the big question is, will she? We just don't have the answer to that yet."

"And the baby?" He felt a responsibility for the baby now too. For both of them. He wanted them both to live. He wanted both of them or just her - - - anything but please don't let them die. - - - He looked at the doctor, waiting to hear the answer to his question.

"The pregnancy is still viable. We have a monitor on her, and so far everything looks fine. We're still getting a fetal heartbeat."

"Thank God." Bill stood, waiting for more. But there was nothing more. Only time would tell what would happen. "May I see her?"

"Of course. We're going to leave her where she is, until we see what happens. She's still in an emergency unit. We'll move her to ICU later, if she improves." It was difficult to believe. A few hours earlier she'd been making bacon and eggs, and now suddenly she was on the brink of death, after saving Tommy.

"Is my boy all right?"

"I haven't seen him myself. But the last I heard, he and his brother were having lunch in the pediatric ward." He smiled at Bill. "I'd say he's going to be okay. He's a lucky boy. I understand that only her quick thinking and heroic maneuvers saved him. She's a very slight woman, it's amazing she was able to hold him up like that. She must have gashed her arm somehow in the process - - - and hit her head . " - and almost drowned and almost lost her baby - - - and she hadn't
hesitated for an instant, even knowing that she was pregnant. He owed her everything. If she lived long enough for him to repay it.

He walked into the special emergency unit then, and sat down next toher. There seemed to be machines hooked to every part of her, and the oxygen mask obscured part of her face, but he gently took her hand in his own and kissed her fingers. The knuckles were cut and bruised, and there was still earth underneath her fingernails. She must have
struggled ferociously to save him.

"Adrian - - ." he whispered to her still form. "I love you, sweetheart. I loved you the first time I ever saw you." He had
decided that if he never got a chance to say it to her, he was going to say it all to her now, whether she heard him or not, and maybe she would hear him and it would make a difference. "I loved you right away, that first night in the supermarket, when I almost ran you down. - do you remember that?" He smiled as tears ran down his face and he kissed her fingers again. "And I loved you the next time - - - when I saw you in the parking lot at the complex. Do you remember that? I think it was a Sunday morning - - - and at the pool at the apartment I love you - . - I love everything about you - - - and the boys love you too - - - Adam and Tommy. They want you to get better too."

He just went on talking to her, in his strong, gentle voice, and holding her hand carefully in his own. "And I love the baby too that's right - - - and if you want that baby, so do I - . - I want you and the baby, Adrian. Both of you - and the baby is going to be just fine - - - the doctor said so." He watched her face then, he thought he had seen her wince, but when he looked more closely, he thought he had imagined it. She seemed as expressionless as ever.

He went on talking to her for a long time, crooning her name, and telling her how much he loved her and the baby. He rested his hand on the baby then, and felt the small lump that he had never noticed before, that she had never told him about, and he told the baby that he loved it, and that it had better stick around, or it was going to make a lot of people very unhappy. "That's right . . . you don't think your mom has gone through all this in order to have you bail out now, do you? So settle down and take it easy right, Adrian? You tell the baby to relax. ." And then he kissed her gently on the cheek and talked to her some more, as one of the nurses watched him from the doorway.

She had never seen anyone so distraught, and she had never heard anyone talk to a woman like that. As she listened, she thought Adrian was awfully lucky to have a man love her the way he did. And as she watched, she saw something on the monitors that caught her attention.

She frowned and walked into the room, and as she approached, Adrian turned toward Bill and opened her eyes and then closed them. For an instant of sheer terror, he thought she had just died, and he let out an almost animal sound of grief, as he stood up and looked down at her again in anguish. But as he did, she opened her eyes again, and thenurse checked her vital signs and smiled down at her, and Bill smiled at her as he was crying. He couldn't speak anymore. She had taken his breath away, and he was so moved, he had started to tremble.

"You're a very lucky girl," the nurse said to her. "Your little boy is fine. I just gave him a Popsicle." She glanced at Bill
encouragingly.

"And your husband has been right here talking to you ever since you got here." And then she remembered as she glanced at the fetal monitor and back at Adrian again. "And your baby is fine too. Looks like everybody is going to be all right now. How are you feeling, Mrs. Thigpen?"

She fought to pull off the oxygen mask, and the nurse helped her to lift it. "Not so good," she croaked. They had pumped the water from her stomach and now she was hoarse and she felt desperately nauseous and viciously battered. The last thing she remembered was slipping into a soft warm place, when she had gotten the final blow on her head from a rock and started drowning.

"I'll bet you don't feel so good." The nurse smiled at her, and propped her head up a little bit. "You had quite a fight with a rock, and a whole lot of water. But they tell me you ran a race. You saved your little boy. You did!" She smiled at her, and Bill finally caught his breath, and looked at Adrian gratefully through his tears, still holding her hand tightly.

"Adrian, you saved Tommy." He started to cry harder then and leaned down and kissed her face. "Baby, you saved him."

"I'm so glad . . . I was so afraid . . . I couldn't have held him up for much longer . . ." Bill still remembered the limp body and the gray-blue face when they had snatched him from her just beneath the surface. "The current was terrible . . . and I was afraid I couldn't run fast enough . .

There were tears in her eyes, but they were tears of relief and victory as she held fast to Bill's hand, and the nurse slipped quietly out of the room to report her improvement to the doctor. And then Bill leaned down and whispered to her.

"Why didn't you tell me about the baby?"

There was a long silence as she looked at him, grateful that he was there, her eyes full of the love for him that she'd been fighting almost since she met him. "I didn't think it was fair to you." She started to cry then as she said it and he kissed her gently and shook his head.

"It wouldn't have changed anything." He smiled then, and sat down next to her, never taking his eyes off her. "It's a little unusual, I admit, but hell, to a guy who writes soap operas for a living, did you really think I couldn't understand it?" She smiled and then coughed, as he held her, and then laid her gently back down on the pillows.

"Frankly, Adrian, I'm relieved. I was afraid that for you that appetite of yours was normal." She laughed again and then sighed, with a worried look.

"Is the baby really okay?"

"They say it's fine. I think you'll probably have to take it a little easy for a while. But babies are pretty sturdy." He remembered a bad fall Leslie had had when she was pregnant for the first time, and he had almost had a heart attack watching her stumble down a flight of stairs, but in the end, nothing had happened. And then he remembered something he wanted to ask Adrian. Something he now suspected. "Is that why Steven left you?" It was something he wanted to know now. It was inexcusable if it was true, and while she was unconscious, he had guessed that that was the reason for their separation.

And quietly, she nodded. "He never wanted children, and he gave me a choice. Him or the baby." She started to cry again, thinking of it, as she clung desperately to Bill now. "I tried . . . but I couldn't do it. I went to have an abortion, but I just couldn't. So he left me."

"What a nice guy he must be."

"He has very strong feelings about it," she tried to explain, and Bill looked at her ruefully.

"I'd say that was an understatement. The guy is divorcing you for having his baby. Does he realize it's his, or does he question that too?"

"No, he knows it's his. His lawyer sent me papers, he's filing for a termination of parental rights, so neither the child nor I can claim him as the father. In essence, the baby will be illegitimate," she said sadly.

"That's disgusting."

And then she sighed again. "But he may change his mind - . . maybe if he sees it."

He realized then what the problem was. She was still hoping Steven would come back, for the baby, if nothing else. And then he asked her something else he wanted to know now.

"Adrian, are you still in love with him?"

She hesitated for a long time, and then shook her head as she looked at Bill.

"No," she said quietly, "I'm not. But the baby has a right to its natural father."

"If he wanted you back, would you take him?"

"I might - - - for the baby's sake."

She closed her eyes then. She felt nauseous and exhausted, and Bill was looking at her, saddened by what she had just told him, grateful for the honesty. It was one of the things he loved about her. He didn't think Steven would come back, not if he was filing papers renouncing the child, and divorcing her. The guy was obviously crazy.

But it was equally obvious that she felt she owed him and the child something, a relationship they deserved, even if it meant giving something up herself. But she was that way. In trying to save Tommy, she had been willing to risk herself and her baby. She was an all-or-nothing kind of person. She lay there and closed her eyes then and for a while neither of them spoke and then she looked at Bill again, worried about what he was thinking. "Do you hate me?"

"Are you out of your mind? How can you say a thing like that? You just saved my child." And it had almost cost her her own life. He moved nearer to her again, and touched her bruised face with gentle fingers.

"I love you, Adrian. This may not be the time or place to say it," he said softly, "but I love you. More than that, I'm in love with you. I have been for two months, maybe even three." He kissed her hand then and her fingers. He was afraid to hurt her if he really kissed her.

"You're not mad about the baby?" There were tears in her eyes as she asked him.

"How could I be mad about the baby? I think you're wonderful to do what you're doing. You're very courageous, and unbelievably strong, and a good, decent woman. And I think it's very special that you're having a baby." It was the first kind word anyone had said about her pregnancy, except Zelda, but she had taken so much abuse from Steven that in the face of Bill's kind words, she started to cry. And he gently wiped her eyes as she sobbed and tried to explain it all to him.

She was feeling very emotional and terribly upset and suddenly the dam had broken after three months of having to apologize to her husband, and trying to cope with the pregnancy on her own.

"Just relax." She was getting too upset, and he was afraid of what it might do to her. She had already had a terrible shock to her system.

"Everything's going to be fine. Okay?"

He smoothed her hair off her face, and gently tucked her in. She looked like a battered child, and she was hiccuping like a little girl who'd been crying. "You're going to have your baby and it'll be beautiful." He leaned his face down to hers and carefully, carefully kissed her lips, and there were tears in his eyes too. "I love you, Adrian . . - I love you so much - . . you and the baby." And the beauty of it was that he meant it.

"How can you say that?" Steven had deserted her over this child, and now Bill, who barely knew her, was telling her he loved her.

"It's not even your baby."

"I wish it were," he said honestly as he looked down at her. And then, he dared say to her exactly what he was feeling. "Maybe one day, if I'm very lucky, it will be." Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks then, and she didn't say a word, she just held his hand tightly in her own, and closed her eyes as she nodded. She dozed for a little while then, holding his hand, and he watched the monitors while she slept. The nurse came in a couple of times, and reassured him that everything was normal. He left for a little while eventually, to check on the boys.

He found Tommy sleeping too. He was taking a nap, but he looked fine.

They had put in a glucose IV, and they were checking his temperature regularly, but they said he could go home by the end of the afternoon.

And Adam was watching old reruns of Mork and Mindy.

"How're you doing, sport?" Bill sat down next to him in the television room, and across the way he could see where Tommy was sleeping.

"How's Adrian?" he asked worriedly, but Bill looked so relieved, he knew she had to be okay. And a nurse had told him long before that his "mother" was much better. He hadn't corrected her, he was old enough to have figured out that it was simpler not to.

"She's sleeping, but she's better." He had been thinking all afternoon about what they ought to do. He didn't think she should travel right away, particularly in view of her pregnancy, but he also didn't think that she should be camping. What they needed was a week's holiday in a terrific hotel, some sun, and a lot of room service. "What do you say we stay in a hotel, instead of going back to camping?" He didn't want to disappoint the boys, but he had a responsibility to her now, too,
particularly after what she had done for Tommy. The day could have ended in tragedy for all of them, and Bill was certain that if she hadn't been so quick to react, and relentless in her efforts to save the child, Tommy would no longer be with them. It was a debt he would owe her forever. But he had to think of Adam now, too, and he looked a little shaken. "Would you be very disappointed if this vacation wasn't too rugged?"

But Adam was quick to shake his head vehemently. "I'm just glad they're both okay. You should have seen her, Dad. She ran like a blue streak once the current started taking him away. I guess she was trying to get downstream before he did, so she could stop him, but I couldn't figure it out then. And it worked. But it was so awful." He choked on the words as he said it. "They kept going under, and at first no one helped them. She just kept pushing him up, and the current right where they were, kept shoving her down again. And then she'd push him up again, and she'd go under. It was awful. - - ." He buried his face in Bill's chest, and he held his son for a long time.

"Tommy should never have left her in the first place. What in hell was he doing?"

"I think he must have been looking at the rafts or something. And he fell in while he was watching."

"We're going to have to talk about that when he wakes up." Eventually, he went over to check on the sleeping child, but his color looked good and his breathing and temperature were normal. He looked fine and there was hardly a scratch on him. It was hard to believe that this was the same child who had been blue only a few hours before. Bill knew that as long as he lived, he would never forget it.

He made some phone calls after that, and got a large suite in a deluxe hotel, and he went back to check on Adrian and talk to her doctor. She was still asleep, and they wanted her to stay that way for a while.

She still had some repairing to do, and they thought she might be able to leave the hospital the next day if there were no further problems.

They wanted to be sure she didn't develop pneumonia, or have complications with the baby. But so far, things seemed to be improving.

He told them he'd be back in a little while, and he went to tell Adam that, too, and then he got a ride back to their campsite, and he stood trembling as he looked around, thinking that only that morning, life had seemed so carefree and so simple. And now suddenly two of the people he loved had almost lost their lives - - . three, if he counted the baby.

He had a sense of reverence and gratitude, and he was relieved when everything was packed and he drove to the hotel. They had set aside a beautiful two-bedroom suite, and he had already decided to sleep on the couch.

He wanted to keep an eye on her at night, and be sure that he heard her if she called him. He would have preferred sleeping in the same room, but he was afraid it might upset the children.

And as soon as he dropped off their things, he went back to the hospital, and was startled to discover that it was six o'clock and the boys were eating dinner.

"Where've you been?" Tommy asked. They had taken out the IV, and he looked like his old self, as Adam told him to stop eating his mashed potatoes with his fingers. The children's ward was almost empty.

There was a broken leg, a broken arm, a minor car accident that had required some stitches and observation for a concussion, and Tommy, having survived his dousing in the river. And most of the other children were older, and they were talking among themselves during dinner.

"I went to get a hotel room for all of us," Bill explained. "I checked on you all afternoon, but you were asleep all the time." He leaned over and kissed him and as he did he realized he was hungry. He hadn't eaten anything since the breakfast Adrian had fixed early that morning.

"Is Adrian okay?" Tommy's face clouded up with worry, but Bill nodded quickly.

"She's going to be fine. She was worried about you. She took kind of a beating trying to rescue you. Which reminds me, young man, what were you doing out of the swimming hole without the others?" The boy's eyes got huge in his face and brimmed over with tears. He knew exactly what part he had played in it, and he was old enough to know that it was his
fault that he and Adrian had almost drowned, and he felt deeply remorseful.

"I'm sorry, Daddy - . honest - "

"I know you are, Son."

"Can I see her yet?"

"Maybe tomorrow. She's pooped. Hopefully they'll let her out and we can take her back to the hotel with us."

"Can I go tonight?"

"We'll see." He would have liked to spend the night with Adrian, but he didn't want to leave the boys alone in the hotel, and even in the hospital, Tommy would have expected his father to sleep with him. And they had already said that Adam couldn't spend the night since he wasn't a patient. So Bill had no choice but to take them to the hotel, and come back for Adrian in the morning.

But she didn't seem to mind when he went back to see her. She was so exhausted from the perils of the day that she had barely woken up to talk to him before she was asleep again, and the nurse suggested that he leave her.

"She won't even know that you've gone, and I'll explain it to her when she wakes up," the nurse promised, "and if she wants to, she can always call you." He left the number of the hotel, and the hotel room, and he went back to get the boys, and an hour later they were jumping on the beds, and watching TV, and Tommy wanted to order chocolate ice cream from room service. It was difficult to believe that he had almost not survived the morning.

Bill gave him a bath and put them both to bed, and then he stretched out in the room that was to be hers, feeling completely exhausted. He couldn't remember a day in his entire life that had been as traumatic.

And all he could think of was the hideous vision of their two bodies with the rangers and the paramedics struggling over them. - - the sirens . . - the sounds . - - the looks on their faces - He knew he would have nightmares about it for years, and as he thought of her, he found himself missing Adrian, and wanting to hold her close. There was so much he wanted to say to her now, so much for them to find out, to do together, to discover - and then there was the baby. He didn't even
know exactly how pregnant she was. All he knew was what the doctor had guessed, but he had no idea when it was to be born. It was remarkable how suddenly a whole new being had come into his life - - - a whole new prospect of happiness for the future. He had loved her before, but now he knew that he loved her doubly. And as he thought about it, lying on
her bed, the phone rang.

"Hello?" His voice was hoarse from just lying there, thinking of the emotions of the day, but he smiled as soon as he heard her voice. It was Adrian, calling from the hospital. She had woken up, and wondered where he was, and she was missing him, just as he was missing her. A whole new bond had formed between them since that morning.

"Where are you?"

"Here in your bed," he said, smiling, "wishing you were here with me."

Given the chastity of their relationship, it seemed a rather forward thing to say, but he suspected she wouldn't mind after everything they'd been through. He almost felt as though they were married and she had just told him they were having a baby.

"Can you hear any bears?" she teased, she still sounded croaky, but a lot stronger.

"No bears and no coyotes." Given the price he had paid for the suite, with the view they had of the lake, there should only have been the sounds of minks and Rolls-Royces.

"But it's lonely without you," he told her.

"It's lonely here too." She hated being in the hospital and she really missed him. "How are the boys?"

"Asleep, I hope. I put them to bed an hour ago. And if they aren't asleep, I don't want to know it." He was almost as tired as she was.

And then, with a tender smile, "How's the baby?"

"Okay, I guess." It embarrassed her a little bit talking to him about it. It was all so new to her. For all these months, she had pointedly ignored it, and now it was suddenly the focus of their attention.

"It's all so strange. I'm not used to it yet."

"You will be eventually. When's it due, by the way?"

"The beginning of January. The tenth."

"Just in time for my fortieth birthday. My birthday is actually New Year's Day."

"That sounds like fun."

"So does the baby," he said softly. "It's been so long since I've even thought of little ones. It makes me think of when Adam and Tommy were small. They were so cute. And this one will be, too, if it looks like you." She couldn't believe what she was hearing. The man who had fathered it had left her in a fury, and this man, this almost total stranger, whom she had known for a mere three months, was excited about her baby. It made her feel so protected suddenly, and so happy and so much less lonely.

"Why are you being so good to me?" What did he want? And when was he going to hurt her? It just wasn't possible that he was this kind. Or was it?

"Because you deserve it."

And then suddenly, she laughed. "You're just using me as research for the show." And she laughed, too, remembering the absurdity of the parallel between the illegitimate pregnancy on the show, and her own baby.

"You certainly do keep things lively, Mrs. Townsend. Or should I call you by a different name?" He wasn't sure if she was going to change it.

"My maiden name is Adrian pn)) And eventually she would have to go back to that, since the baby couldn't use Townsend anyway, but that was all a long way off. "I can't wait until tomorrow. It's so depressing here."

"Wait till you see our hotel room."

"I can't wait." She felt as though she were about to leave on her honeymoon, except that she still had an IV tube in her arm, and they were still giving her oxygen through two tiny tubes just beneath her nose, and her face and hands and arms looked as though she had been in a cat fight, and she still remembered that some of the scratches had been inflicted by Tommy. It had been an incredible day, a miracle that had touched all of them, and they all felt more than a little awed by
the happy outcome. And some good had come of it after all. Bill had found out about the baby.

And he hadn't sent her away - . - and .. she smiled to herself - . - he had even told her he loved her.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Now get some rest," he told her in a gentle whisper. It was late, and it seemed as though the whole world had gone quiet. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too, darling, good night," she whispered from her hospital room in Truckee.

"And don't forget," he reminded her with a smile, "how much I love you."

CHAPTER 18.



BILL PICKED ADRIAN UP AT THE HOSPITAL the next day, and he brought the boys with him. They brought flowers and balloons and a big THANK YOU sign that Tommy insisted on carrying himself, and as they helped her to the car, it looked like a jackpot at the casino.

She was still pretty shaky when she was discharged, and they went straight to the hotel so she could rest. And Bill set her up with pillows in a chaise longue on their terrace.

She was impressed by how fancy their quarters were, and she admitted to Bill confidentially that it was a lot nicer than camping. He laughed in answer and told her that some people would do anything to avoid sleeping in a tent, and she certainly had. In one day, she had managed to almost lose her life, save Tommy's, and admit to the fact that she was pregnant.

They ordered room service for lunch, and then Bill went out fishing with the boys. And they caught three and brought them back to the hotel kitchen to have them cleaned and cooked. It was the perfect arrangement.

"I love this kind of camping," Adrian announced as the trays came up eventually, supposedly with their fish, in delicate lemon butter sauces. Bill and the boys were convinced that they really were their fish, even though Adrian suspected that they weren't. They watched old movies on TV after that, and they all went to bed early. And all through the night, Adrian would wake up, thinking she heard sounds in her room, and it was always Bill, peering down at her, making sure she was all right and asking her if she needed anything. And she thanked him for it the next morning over breakfast.

"You don't have to worry about me. I'm fine."

"I just want to be sure. You just got out of the hospital yesterday."

He was like a mother hen, but she thought it was terrific and she loved it.

"I feel great." But he noticed that when she wandered around the room, she still didn't have her old zip, and she didn't seem anxious to go out. In the end, it took four days for her to seem like herself again, and by then the vacation was almost over. But they had a lovely time, going for walks around the lake.

They stayed away from the river, and the rapids, and the boys never repeated their request to go rafting.

They visited the state park at Sugar Pine Point instead, and were fascinated by it. And they went for a drive to Squaw Valley and took the ski lift to the top and then back again. And it was beautiful, and by the last night, Adrian and the boys were fast friends.

It was as though they had always known her.

They had called their mother long since, and told her all about Tommy's accident, and Adrian's heroics. And she had insisted on speaking to her and thanking Adrian herself.

She sounded nice on the phone and she had cried copiously, just thinking of what might have happened.

"She sounds like a sweet person," Adrian said to Bill later. "And she sounds like she still likes you."

"I think she still does. I like her, too, even though we irritate the hell out of each other sometimes, when we don't agree about the boys. And her husband is kind of an uptight pain in the ass. He thinks that California is uncivilized, and devoid of culture, and he thinks pretty much the same thing about me because of the show. But I don't think Leslie lets him say much about it. At least that's what the boys say. But apparently the other two children are very, very proper.
They're both girls and they're four and five and he has them playing concert piano and violin. I figure that can wait a few years." He grinned.

"What do you think?"

"I agree with you." She smiled. "But Leslie sounds nice anyway."

"I think she was looking for someone completely different from me - or from what I was then - . - she wanted someone who spent a lot of time at home, who was very controlled, and not so compulsive, and maybe not so exuberant. And I think she got it."

"That's too bad," Adrian said without thinking, and then laughed. "I just meant that your way sounds better."

"Thank you." And with that, he leaned over where he was sitting and kissed her. And out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tommy giggle from across the room. And then he turned to Adrian again. For the past few days, his mind had been full of questions.

"What happens when we go back, Adrian? To us, I mean?"

"I don't know." She looked him in the eye.

She wanted to know, too, and she wasn't sure yet. "What do you want to happen?" She thought she knew, but she needed to take her clues from him, and then she needed to think about what she was going to do about Steven, if he ever turned up again. It wasn't fair to launch herself into a relationship with anyone, knowing full well that if he returned, she would go back to him. But she felt that she had an obligation to him, and the baby. But on the other hand, she couldn't sit around waiting for him for the rest of her life either.

For the moment, he wouldn't even talk to her, and he was showing every possible sign of having deserted her permanently, and if that was the case, she had to go on living.

"What do I want to happen?" Bill thought about it for a minute. And then he smiled. "I want a happy ending, preceded by a happy beginning. I think we're off to a good start, don't you?" She nodded. "And I want time with you, to go places and be together and do things, when we're not working. And I want to get to know you. I think I already do, but I want to know more. I want you to know me.
I want us to be - . - well," he said, groping for the words as he looked at her, "something very special." And then he smiled. "And in January, I want," he almost gulped as he said the words, "to share the baby with you. It's a miracle, Adrian - . - and I'd like to share that with you, if I'm lucky enough, and you still need me."

"You're not the one who would be lucky," she said with tears in her eyes. "I would be. Why do you want to do all this for me?" she asked, still a little bit afraid, still puzzled. After all Steven had done to abandon her, it was so hard to believe she had found someone who wanted to stand by her.

"I want to do 'all this' because I love you," he said simply. "And I want you to know that this is a real departure for me. I haven't been seriously involved with anyone in years. Probably not since the demise of my marriage. And I also swore to
myself that I'd never have any more kids again . . . I don't want to fall in love with your child - . . and then lose it, if you leave me. But I'm willing to take that chance, if you're honest with me. And if that honesty is that you're reserving yourself for the possibility that Steven could come back when you have this kid, I've decided that I'm willing to take that chance for now. That's as straightforward as I know. I'm telling you that I'm willing to take the risk, and be there for you. Just don't forget to tell me what's going on, like you forgot to mention the pregnancy."

"I didn't forget," she explained, and he grinned.

"Yeah, I know. You just didn't mention it. A minor oversight. And how were you going to explain that one in a few
months, after you'd eaten me out of house and home?" He loved teasing her, as she threw a napkin at him.

"I do not eat that much!"

"Yes, you do, but you should. The baby needs it."

But she grew serious then. "You're not scared to take the risk? What if he comes back? I owe him a life with his child, and I owe it to the baby."

"I disagree with you. I don't think you owe him anything, after the way he treated you, but if you do, I have to respect that. I just don't happen to think he'll come back. Anyone who'd go to the lengths of renouncing his parental rights, in a state where you can practically commit mass murder and still keep them, isn't planning to come back and be a daddy. But I could be wrong. I told you. I'm willing to take the risk. Because I love you."

And as he said it, she got up from where she sat, and went to kiss him.

She had been feeling better for the past two days, and there had been mounting passion in their occasional stolen kisses. She wondered what else was waiting for them once they got back to L.A but as long as the boys were there, it was not an issue.

They spent their last night there quietly, chatting on the terrace and looking up at the stars and holding hands, and suddenly he laughed and he looked at her, feeling ridiculously happy. "Do you realize how crazy this is?" He grinned. "I'm in love with a woman who is four months pregnant. Do you have any idea how funny this is going to be
when you can no longer see your feet? Talk about modern romance!" She started to laugh, too, and they just sat there and laughed about the absurdity of their situation. "I mean you could almost do this in the movies . . . guy meets girl in supermarket, falls madly in love with her, and they keep meeting. Girl is married, but husband walks out on her when he discovers that she is pregnant-with his baby.
Guy from supermarket reappears, and they fall madly in love. Girl then staggers around with big belly, doing Fred Astaire-Ginger Rogers type dances with our hero. They get married. They have baby. And live happily ever after. Cute, isn't it? Maybe I should do it for the show. But it's much too simple. To do it for daytime TV, you would have to kill Steven, and the baby would really have to be someone else's, and then it would turn out that I was already married to your sister, or maybe I could turn out to be your father. That's a nice touch. I'll have to try to work that in somewhere." She was laughing at him then. And he was right. It was a ridiculous situation. But he had reminded himself of a more serious question.

"When does your divorce become final, by the way? Before or after the baby?"

"Around the same time, I think. I'm not sure of the exact date."

"It might be nice if we could give Junior a name, other than Thompson," her maiden name, and she was touched by the way he said it. He was offering to marry her, if only to legitimize the baby, and she leaned over and kissed him for what he had just said.

"Bill, you don't have to do that."

"I know I don't. But I might want to by then. And so might you - . . if I play my cards right and get very lucky." He winked, and she lay back and looked at the stars again. She wished she had all the answers.

But he was willing to leave an open door for her, and she couldn't ask for more than that.

In fact, it was much more than she had ever dared to hope for. She had envisioned herself alone and desperately lonely until the baby was born. It had never dawned on her that all of this would happen before she had the baby.

They left the lake the next day, and took their time driving down to L.A. They stopped in San Francisco again for one night, and then drove down Highway 5, and reached Los Angeles just in time for dinner. She made grilled cheese sandwiches at Bill's place while he got the boys ready for bed. And they ate dinner in their pajamas while Adrian told them silly stories about the newsroom, about the time a pig from a publicity stunt got loose and went berserk running all over the station, and the time there had been a food fight in the commissary that got so out of control, it took two weeks to scrape all the food off the ceiling. Adam particularly loved that story, and Bill grinned at her as she told it. They were all a little sorry to be home. And she particularly, as she had to go back to work the following morning.

Bill was planning to take another two weeks off, so he could hang around with the boys, but she couldn't do that.

"Will we see you every day?" Tommy asked with worried eyes.

"I'll come by every night after work. I promise."

And then Adam. "Can we visit you at work?"

"Sure, but it's not much fun." And she was usually very busy, and Bill knew that. He suggested they go to Disneyland on the weekend and it gave Adrian something to look forward to as well. She was feeling depressed at not being with them every moment. She suddenly felt left out, and she was really sad when she helped put them to bed, and had finished reading them their favorite stories.

"I really hate to leave," she said quietly to Bill, after they had cleaned up the kitchen.

She still hadn't been to her own place, and her bags were still in his hallway.

"Then don't. You can sleep in our guest room."

"The boys will think I'm a little strange. After all, I do have my own apartment to go to, and it's not exactly far away."

"So what. Pretend you lost your keys." He loved the idea, and so did she, and with a giggle, she agreed. And half an hour later, they were sitting on his couch, with her in her nightgown, and one of his bathrobes.

"This is fun," she laughed, he had just made a huge bowl of popcorn.

"It's kind of like being a kid again, and staying over at a friend's house."

He smiled innocently at her. "They call it something else when you're as old as I am."

After all, he was almost forty.

"Do they?" She walked right into it.

"What?"

"I think they call it marriage." She fell silent then, and went on eating the popcorn, and when he came to sit down again, he smiled down at her. "It can be a happy thing, you know. Particularly between two people who know what they're doing, and happen to be very much in love. We might even qualify for both one day. We could even have a baby. Our own, I mean. Wouldn't that be something else?" He loved the idea of it suddenly, despite his many years of reservations. But he liked the idea of her baby, too, and he had been excited about it ever since he'd found out, and he kept telling her what she should be doing for the baby.

"What do you suppose the boys would say?"

"They'd be surprised certainly." He grinned at her, and handed her a mouthful of popcorn. "Kids don't think about things like that. You could wait until you're seven months pregnant before you tell them, and you'd still surprise them. They would just assume you were fat, until you told them something different."

"That's reasonable. That's what I thought, too . . . until I did the test."

"Were you surprised?" He was curious about that.

"More or less. Maybe less rather than more. But at the time I told myself that I was shocked. But I think maybe I wasn't. I was just scared about Steven's reaction."

"When did you tell him?"

"When he got back from a trip. And he wasn't exactly pleased." Which was a major understatement.

She slept in his guest room that night, and in the morning the boys came in and pounced on her with delight. They were thrilled that she had stayed, instead of being shocked. And they wanted her to stay every night, but she said she had to get back to her own apartment. In fact, she had to go back that morning, to get dressed for work, and Adam and Tommy went with her. They were surprised to see that she had no furniture, and Tommy looked around with obvious disapproval.

"Why do you live like that?" he asked.

"You don't even have a couch!" To him that was minimal, and Adam was upset for her.

He thought that maybe she was too poor to buy one, and he thought that Bill should have at least given her one, but she was quick to reassure them.

"My husband took all that stuff when he left," she explained.

"That was mean of him," Tommy said, and she didn't disagree with him.

"Why didn't you buy more?" Adam inquired.

"I haven't gotten around to it. He didn't leave very long ago."

"How long?" Tommy again.

"About two months . . - well, no, three, I guess."

"You'd better get some stuff," Thomas Thigpen advised her sternly.

"I'll do my best. Maybe before you come back again, I'll get this place looking decent."

She went upstairs to dress for the office then, and when she came back downstairs Adam whistled. She was wearing a simple black linen dress, but it was well cut, and it showed off her legs. They were about all she had left of her figure.

"You know, you ought to go on a diet," Adam said. "My mom did. And she looks great. You could be really pretty if you lost some weight . - I mean, you're pretty now . - it's just that - - - you know, you'd just be better if you lost a little around the middle." She started to laugh at what they'd said, but then pretended to take it very seriously, just as Bill came to get them.

"Well, we've solved all my problems," she explained. "I need a couch, and I have to go on a diet." She could hardly keep a straight face, and he looked at her two young friends with dismay.

"Did you say that to Adrian?" he asked Tommy.

"No," she covered quickly for them, "we came to the conclusion together. And they happen to be right." Naturally she didn't tell them that she had to put the apartment on the market in two months, and she was going to have a baby.

She left for work then, and the day seemed endless without them. She was thrilled to come home that night, but she slept in her own apartment, because she thought Bill needed time alone with them, but she spent as much time with them as she could. And they had a wonderful time in Disneyland, and their last day together came too soon. Bill took all of them to Spago again as a special treat, but it was a mournful dinner. Bill and Adrian were so sad to see them go, and the boys were heartbroken to be leaving them.

Both boys cried when they went to bed that night. And Adrian went to the airport with Bill the next day so he wouldn't be quite as lonely.

And after they were gone, she felt as though someone had died, and he looked it.

Their little faces had looked so sad, they had waved till the last moment when they got on the plane. And they had promised to call the minute they got home, and often after that, and Tommy had whispered thanks to her again for saving him as he left her. They had both kissed her good-bye, and she had cried as much as they had.

"I've never gotten used to it," Bill said as they walked back to the car. They had driven to the airport in his beloved woody. "It used to almost kill me when I said good-bye to them. And it still does." And when they got in his car, he turned to her and put his arms around her for comfort. But there was nothing she could say to take the hurt away, nothing she could do that would bring them back before Thanksgiving. "That's why I never wanted kids again. I never wanted
to lose them." And yet - . - he was willing to share the baby with her and give it back if she went back to Steven. Bill Thigpen was truly amazing.

CHAPTER 19.



THE SILENCE IN BILL'S APARTMENT WAS deafening when they went back to it once the boys were gone. And Bill looked as though he'd lost his best friend, while Adrian tried desperately to distract him. She even volunteered to cook him dinner.

"Why don't you watch television, while I whip something up," she suggested, and he stared mindlessly at the tube, thinking about the boys, while she clattered around his kitchen. He was listening to her with one ear, and then finally he realized that she was dropping everything. First she dropped the metal mixing bowls, then there was the clatter of pans, the slamming of cupboards, and he started to smile to himself. Adrian was extremely capable everywhere, except in the kitchen.

"Do you need a hand in there?" he inquired above the din, and her voice came back sounding a little distracted.

"No, I'm fine. Where do you keep the vanilla?"

"What are you making?"

"Lasagna," she answered, dropping three more bowls and slamming the oven door again, and then he appeared, smiling broadly, in the kitchen doorway.

"I hate to tell you this, Adrian. But there's no vanilla in lasagna. Not in my recipe anyway. You must do something different." He looked highly amused and she looked completely flustered. She had every bowl, every pot, every baking pan, and what looked like every frying pan sitting on the counter, but he refrained from making comment.

"Oh, shut up," she said, glancing at the look on his face, and pushing the hair out of her eyes with her forearm. "I know there's no vanilla in lasagna. I'm making brownies. For dessert," she explained. "And a Caesar salad."

"It sounds lovely. Would you like a hand?"

"No, actually I'd like a cook." She grinned sheepishly. "How about a sandwich?" He was laughing by then, and walked into the kitchen and put his arms around her. He had never been alone with her, not really, not since the boys had arrived and he told her he loved her.

The boys had been with him for a month, and a lot had happened in the time they'd been there.

"Would you like to go out?" he asked, enjoying the smell of her shining dark hair as he held her. "We could go to Spago." He was one of the few people who could get in almost anytime he wanted. He was one of Hollywood's elite, and most people would have killed to get into Spago. "Or I could cook for you. How about that?" He liked the idea of staying home with her, and he had been looking forward to a quiet evening. It was Saturday night, and all the restaurants in town would be too crowded.

"No," she said stubbornly, looking at the mess she had made. "I said I was going to cook you dinner, and I'm going to."

"How about if I help you? I'll be the souschef."

"Okay." She grinned mischievously at him.

"Just tell me how you make lasagna." He laughed openly at her then, and started putting things away. And together they made a salad, and he grilled some steaks, and they chatted as they worked, about the boys, and the show, and the new season. He was less affected by the seasons than the evening shows, because his show didn't go into summer reruns, and it was live all year round.

But he had to make it lively, and jazz it up to keep it fresh, and he was currently working on developing new subplots, and they had spent a lot of time talking about it together.

He liked her ideas and she had given him some notes she had made, and he was impressed with them. And they were discussing them again when they sat down to dinner.

"I agree with you, Adrian." She had just made an interesting point.

"But first we have to get Helen's baby born," he explained, countering her viewpoint. "But after that, I kind of like the idea of a kidnap. The baby disappears - . . it turns out that it's someone who hates John, and it has nothing to do with her, or - . -, He squinted while he thought, penciling it all in his head, "Or - - - it's actually the baby's natural father who takes it - there's a tremendous chase across numerous states and through all kinds of problems - - - and when we find him, and the baby, of course, then we know the identity of the baby's father." He looked pleased and she looked at him in fascination. She wondered how all these people constantly existed in his head, but she was just beginning to understand it.

"Who is the baby's father, by the way?"

"I haven't figured that out yet."

Adrian laughed at his answer. "She's already pregnant and you don't know who the father is? That's awful!"

"What can I tell you? This is modern romance."

"Extremely."

"Actually, I like the direction you suggested yesterday, because if I make it someone plausible and nice, whom the audience likes, we could get a lot of mileage out of it."

"What about Harry?" Adrian suggested.

"Harry?" Bill looked surprised, it was someone he would never have thought of. He was too obvious, and yet not obvious at all.

He was the widower of Helen's best friend, but it was the perfect suggestion. With John in prison for life for two murders, it made sense to link Helen up with someone she could eventually marry.

"That's a brilliant idea." And the actor who played him would be thrilled. His part had been dwindling for months, since the demise of his partner, and he was actually a very fine actor. "Adrian, you're a genius!"

"Yes," she smiled sweetly, "and a fabulous cook, don't you think?"

"Absolutely." He leaned over and kissed her with a broad grin. It was so much fun being with her, and so easy, and he loved the fact that she didn't resent the show, he was even getting the impression that she loved it.

"Could you ever see yourself working on a show like this?" He had been thinking about it recently, when she started making such useful suggestions.

"I've never thought of it. I'm too busy dealing with rapes and murders and natural disasters in real life. But a soap would be a lot more fun. Why, are you recruiting?"

"I might be, at some point. Would you be interested?"

"Are you serious?" She looked at him, amazed, as he nodded. "I'd love it."

"So would I." He loved the idea of working close to her. But they both had a lot of other things to consider first, and she, above all, knew that. She was working on the divorce with the attorney he'd hired for her, and in January she was going to have the baby. She had already decided to take a leave of absence, but she hadn't told the newsroom yet.

But maybe instead of going back to work at the news, she could go to work for Bill after the baby. It was certainly an intriguing idea.

And as she thought of it as she sipped the cappuccino Bill had made, she realized that she really loved it. It was also a little scary combining their careers with their relationship, but maybe it would work. It was worth thinking about anyway. "Is there anything you can't do?" she asked admiringly, as she sat on a stool and watched him, thinking now nice it would be if they worked together.

"Yes," he said, with a gentle smile, leaning over to kiss her gently on the lips, "have babies. Speaking of which, how are you feeling?" It embarrassed her when he inquired about her health. She wasn't entirely ready to talk about the pregnancy with him, and yet he had been so sweet about it ever since he'd known it. But talking about it still seemed strange to her. It was her deepest, darkest secret.

"I'm fine," she reassured him. It was remarkable but she had had no lasting ill effects from her traumatic adventure at Lake Tahoe.

She had seen the doctor as soon as she got home, and eventually the stitches in her arm had come out, but the scratches and bruises were gone, the concussion healed, the baby secure. It was truly amazing.

The doctor could hardly believe it. He had told her that she was obviously carrying an astonishingly persistent baby, and Bill had been relieved to hear it. He acted as though the baby were his, and whenever he mentioned it, it touched her.

"Does it frighten you, Adrian? Being pregnant, I mean. I've always thought that it must be a little scary. It's so strange. You make love with someone, and this tiny seed grows into a little person, as though you swallowed it or something. And it grows and grows inside you until you look like you're going to pop, and then comes the hard part. You have to get it out. And that must really be scary. Psychologically, I mean. Physically, it all works out somehow. And the thing that always impressed me is that, as a man, you think-God, if I were in her shoes, I would never do this again-and two hours later a woman who just gave birth will tell you it wasn't so bad and she'd do it again in a minute. It's really very remarkable. Don't you think?"

"I do. It all seems a little strange to me. Especially since in my case I haven't had anyone to share it with, so most of the time it was like it wasn't even there. Only now, I'm beginning to realize that I can't ignore it for much longer and I'll have to face it." He handed her another cappuccino, and she stirred it and then sipped the froth of steamed milk, dusted with grated chocolate. He was definitely a much better chef than she was.

"Can you feel it moving yet?" She shook her head. "That's so wonderful when it happens. Life . . ." He sat down and looked at her lovingly.". . . it's so miraculous, isn't it? I look at the boys, and I still think what a miracle they are, even as
big as they are now, with shaggy hair, and ripped knees in their jeans and dirty sneakers. To me, they're gorgeous." It was part of why she had come to love him. He was so real and so good and so kind, and so serious about the things that were really important, like friendship and love and family and truth. She loved his values and what he stood for. Unlike Steven, who had run in the face of the challenge of their baby. He didn't want to give anything to anyone, which was the
antithesis of everything Bill stood for. She still couldn't believe she had been lucky enough to meet him. He was putting their cups in the sink, when he turned to her with a shy smile, and their eyes met, and she felt herself pulled toward him.

There was a magnetic quality about him that always drew her to him.

"Yes?" She knew he was going to ask her something, and he laughed at her clairvoyance.

"I was going to ask you a question, but I wasn't sure if I should."

"What about? Am I a virgin? Yes, actually I am."

"Thank God." He heaved a sigh of relief.

"I hate women who aren't virgins."

"So do I."

He grinned. "In that case - . - would you like to spend the night? You can sleep in the guest room if you really want to."

It was silly, she had her own place just across the complex. But she was tempted to stay with him anyway. It was so lonely at her place, with only one lamp to light the room.

There was no point, she kept telling herself, in buying furniture if she was going to sell the condo. And Bill's guest room was like a warm, cozy haven, just like him, a place where she could hide from the pressures of the world, and enjoy the warmth of his presence. "It seems a little silly, doesn't it?" she asked sheepishly. "I should probably go home."

"I just thought . . -" He looked sad for a moment. "It's going to be lonely without the boys tonight." She knew it would, and she wanted to be there for him. "We could make popcorn and watch old movies on TV."

"Sold. I accept." She smiled shyly at him.

She loved being with him, but he pretended to look serious as he asked another question.

"From a marketing standpoint, would you mind telling me what swung your decision? Was it the popcorn or the old movies? Maybe I ought to know, just in case I want to convince you again someday."

She laughed easily at him. "It was the popcorn. And a free breakfast tomorrow morning."

"Who said anything about breakfast?" he teased with a blank stare.

"Be nice, or I'll make you lasagna, with vanilla!"

"I was afraid of that. The Vanilla Virgin, now there's a great title for a new show . . . or maybe just one episode - . . what do you think?" He turned and stood very close to her as they walked into the living room and her voice was very soft as she answered.

"I think you're wonderful."

He put his arms around her again and kissed her gently on the neck.

"I'm glad to hear it - - I think I love you. - . ." But she knew she loved him. She had known it for weeks, ever since she had woken up in the hospital in Truckee, and he told her he loved her and her baby.

And it was odd talking about it with him now. He seemed to know somuch more about pregnancy and babies than she did. It was comforting in a way, and she was coming to depend on him, and love the idea of having him near her. "What do you say we watch TV in my room tonight?" he inquired. He had a huge set in his room, and he and the boys used to pile into his bed at night and watch it. She had joined them several times, on nights when she was staying in the guest room, but it was different now that they were gone, and it was a little strange at first, getting on his bed with him, and being there alone with him, but she had to admit that she loved it.

She settled back against the cushions on the bed, and he flicked the television on with the remote, and then left the room to make the popcorn, and she didn't follow. She sat there, thinking about him, about how much he meant to her, and how drawn to him she was. It was odd feeling sexual about a man who wasn't your husband when you were almost five months pregnant. But she did- She was extremely attracted to him, and not entirely sure how to show it.

"Popcorn!" he announced, arriving moments later with a huge metal bowl from the kitchen. The popcorn was still hot and it was buttered and salted to perfection.

"This is terrific," she grinned, cuddling next to him as he flipped the dial via the remote to a channel that showed only old movies. There was an old Cary Grant movie on, and Adrian insisted that he leave it.

"I love this," she smiled happily, nibbling at the popcorn, and he moved closer to her and gently kissed her.

"So do I," he said, and he really meant it.

She was his best friend, and there was more to it as well. He found that he couldn't stop kissing her, as she nibbled at the popcorn and pretended to watch the movie. She was lying back against the pillows on his bed, her vision of the television obscured, and she found that she didn't care, as she kissed him back, and a passion rose in her that she had never known, as he whispered to her, "Are you on the pill?" and then she started to laugh and kissed him again.

"Yes, I am," she whispered back. There was humor and love and laughter between them, but they both grew more serious again as their passion rose, and the romance of Cary Grant was forgotten. He set the bowl of popcorn down, and turned off the light and turned to her again. She was so beautiful, and so sexy and so gentle She was still wearing the
free-flowing peach dress she had worn to take the boys to the airport, and he unbuttoned it slowly, as she slipped searching hands under his sweater. Their lips touched and parted and touched again, and he seemed to be devouring her with kisses, and finally, they lay naked in each other's arms and he forgot himself and all caution as they joined and made love as her body hummed beneath his hands, and the two of them became one, and they seemed to lie together for hours, bringing each other ecstasy and pleasure.

Neither of them had any idea what time it was when they finally lay side by side, kissing still, and whispering in the darkness.

"You're so beautiful," he said, and then touched her face with his hands again, and let his fingers trace slowly downward. She had a lovely body, and even now it was easy to see how slim and lithe she must be when she wasn't pregnant. "Are you all right?" He was suddenly afraid he might have hurt her or the baby. For a moment, he had forgotten all about it, but she only smiled and kissed his neck and his lips, touching his powerful chest with her hands. He made her feel happy and safe and protected.

"You're wonderful." Her eyes shone with her love for him, and as he looked at her, mesmerized by her, his hands felt the soft roundness of her belly, and then she frowned suddenly and looked at him oddly. "Did you do that?"

"What?"

"I don't know - . - something - . - I'm not sure what it was - - ."

It had felt like a flutter and at first she thought it was his hands, but they hadn't moved, and then suddenly they both knew what it was at the same moment. She had felt the baby move for the first time. It was as though the baby had finally come alive from their loving. It was his baby now, and theirs, because he wanted it, and he loved her.

"Let me feel it." He put his hands on her again, but he couldn't feel anything, and then for an instant he thought he did, but it was still very small, and the movements were so slight, they were hard to feel.

He pulled her close to him instead, feeling the swell of her against him, and then holding her full breasts in his hands. He loved everything about her.

It was odd getting to know her this way, in a state of transition.

This was the only way he knew her, and he felt bound to the baby somehow, as though it were his too. It seemed so much a part of her, and he wanted to share it with her.

He covered her carefully with his sheets and the blanket and they lay there together, snuggling, whispering, talking, dreaming, and talking about the baby.

"It's so funny," he confessed, vaguely hearing the voice of Cary Grant somewhere in the distance. They had forgotten all about the popcorn and the movie. "I feel as though the baby is part of me now. I don't know . . . It brings back all kinds of familiar feelings and memories, all that excitement I felt before Adam and Tommy were born . - - I find myself thinking about buying a crib, helping you set up the room, being there when it's born, and then I have to remind myself to go slow. . - that it isn't mine . . ." he said regretfully. But he wanted it to be. Even though he had just made love to her for the first time, he wanted that very badly.

"I was so lost before you came along. I was so lonely." She looked at him with serious eyes, worried about what he felt. "You really don't mind about the baby? I feel so fat and ugly sometimes."

He chuckled softly in the bed they had made theirs. "That, my love, is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. You are going to blow up like a balloon, and I'm going to love it. You're going to be so big and cute, and we're going to have such a good time with the baby."

"Silly." She winced at the thought of becoming enormous - It was something she hadn't really thought about and almost dreaded. Her thighs already felt twice the size they had been two months before, and her breasts seemed huge compared to what they normally were. She was usually very small, and suddenly she was very full-busted. All the changes seemed so strange and foreign to her, and yet at the same time, she was excited about the baby. And she could hardly believe that he was too. It was a miracle beyond belief that she had found him.

"It seems poetic justice somehow," he said, grinning as he sat up in bed and looked down at her, "that I should get involved with a woman who is four and a half months pregnant. I have been involved with more anorexic models and bulemic actresses than anyone deserves in one lifetime, and suddenly here I am with a woman I love, in full bloom, and any minute you're not going to be able to see your sneakers."

"You're terrifying me. Is there any way to avoid turning into a blimp?" she asked with worried eyes, and he leaned down and kissed her again.

"Absolutely none. It's a beautiful gift. Just enjoy it."

"But will you still love me when I'm huge?" It was a familiar wail to any man whose wife had been pregnant.

"Of course. Wouldn't you love me if I were the one with a baby inside me?"

She laughed at the idea, but he made it sound so natural that it didn't seem so frightening suddenly. He did that with everything.

With Bill, everything became normal and easy and simple. "Yes, I would." She smiled up at him, cozy in his bed.

"Then that answers the question, doesn't it? You're beautiful pregnant. Maybe you should be worrying about whether or not you'll turn me on when you're skinny. We know what you do to me when you're like this." He grinned evilly, and she laughed. She felt totally at ease with him, and loved as she never had been in her life. And the beauty of it was that she loved him, too, more than she had ever loved anyone . . - even Steven.

Steven had never been this good to her, or this kind, or this wise, or this sensitive to her needs, and fears, and moods. There was no doubt in her mind. She was a lucky woman and William Thigpen was a rare person. "You drive me wild with desire, Adrian," he teased, growling at her, as he pretended to attack her again, but gently.

"Never mind that," she laughed. "Where's my popcorn?"

"You have no heart." He leaned over and handed it to her. "Only stomach." He kissed her loudly on her bottom then, and went to get them both a bottle of club soda, knowing before she said it that she was thirsty.

"You read my mind, do you know that?"

"It comes with the package." He was dying to make love to her again, but he was afraid to overdo it and hurt the baby. He was willing to be patient and love her carefully for the next four and a half months. It seemed a small price to pay for the miracle of a baby, and the gift of sharing that with her. He helped himself to some of the popcorn, turned up the TV, and looked over at her. He felt as though they belonged to each other now, as though they were one, and had always been married. It was impossible to believe that she was married to someone else, and carrying another man's baby. A man who wanted neither Adrian nor the baby.

The phone rang as Adrian was drifting off to sleep, nestled next to him, while he watched the television and glanced at her occasionally with a warm smile, and a hand on her shoulder. It was Tommy and Adam safely arrived in New York, and calling to tell him.

"How was the trip?"

"Great!" Tommy said. The stewardess let him have three hot dogs.

Bill had ordered special meals for them in L.A. He always did, it was just one of the many things he thought of. "How's Adrian? Is she there?" he asked hopefully, and Bill looked down at her and nodded.

"Yeah. We're watching TV and eating popcorn and we really miss you guys. It was really sad here after you left." He was always honest with them, too, about how he felt.

"We can hardly wait for Thanksgiving." He was already using we to describe himself and Adrian. There was no doubt in his mind that they would still be together by then. Only then, they would have to say something to the boys about the baby. He would leave it to Adrian to decide what she wanted to tell them. And as he thought of it, he put a hand on her stomach again to see if he could feel the baby. He felt possessive about it now that he had been closer to it, and felt her
body joined to his. He had never felt closer to any woman.

Adam got on the phone then and told him about the movie they'd seen on the plane. Something about the war in Vietnam, and it sounded upsetting to him, but Adam seemed to have loved it. He asked to speak to Adrian then, and Bill gently nudged her and put his hand over the receiver.

"It's Adam, sweetheart. He wants to talk to you."

"Okay." She reached for the phone with a sleepy smile, but when she spoke to him she made an effort to sound normal. "Hi, Adam. How was the trip? Any cute girls?"

He guffawed at the question. She had been the first to realize that he was becoming interested in girls, and spent a lot of time in the bathroom combing his hair with assorted products. "Not really. Just one, in the seat behind us."

"Did you get her number?" Adrian teased, but he was serious when he answered.

"Yeah. She lives in Connecticut. Her dad is a pilot."

"Too bad you weren't interested in her. . - much - . -" They both laughed, and a minute later she talked to Tommy, and told them both how much they missed them.

"Your dad and I were sitting here all sad and lonely tonight. Even the popcorn isn't the same without you."

"Thanks a lot." Bill pretended to pout, and listened to the animated conversation between the three of them with pleasure. She was wonderful to his kids, and he would never forget her saving Tommy's life, and nearly losing her own and her baby's. He had never been so frightened as when he'd seen that little lifeless body, and then hers .- he shuddered when he thought of it.

She handed the phone back to him then, and he chatted with the boys for a few minutes and then let them go so they could spend time with their mother. She hadn't seen them in a month and Bill knew she'd be anxious to see them.

"They sound so close, but they're so far away," Adrian said sadly.

Three months seemed an interminable wait to see them again, and she wondered how he stood it, particularly with no other family in California. It wasn't as though he was remarried and had other children. And even that might not have made a difference. Adam and Tommy were special and unique, and she knew now just how much he missed them. "It seems like an awfully long time till Thanksgiving."

"Now you know what it's like, or a little bit anyway," he said seriously, as he climbed back into bed with her and turned off the TV.

"That's why I never wanted other children. I never wanted anyone to do that to me again. To take them away, to deprive me of them. No matter how decent Leslie is, they still live with her and only spend six weeks a year with me, if I'm lucky, maybe seven. It's lousy."

"I understand," she said gently. And she did. And she knew him well enough now to know how much it hurt him. And then, unprompted, she spoke up in the darkness. "I would never do that to you, Bill."

"How do you know that? No one can ever be sure. And look at you . you still feel an obligation to Steven. If he comes back after the baby is born, what happens to us? You don't know the answer to that either." He sounded angry and unhappy for just a moment, but it was only because he loved her, and was missing his children.

"No, I don't know the answer to that. But I would never hurt you."

She knew that now.

She didn't know what she'd do if Steven came back, and Bill was right, she did feel an obligation to her husband. But she felt something more now, too, a bond to Bill, a tie that had formed, tonight perhaps when they were making love, or maybe it had happened more slowly, in the past few months when they became friends. But something had happened to bind them together, and she knew she'd never just walk out on him or take away something or someone he loved. She was sure of it - . - or at least she hoped not. "I love you, Bill," she said softly, thinking of him, and the boys, and the baby.

"I love you too," he whispered back, thinking only of her, and as he did, his desire for her got the best of him again and he ran smooth hands slowly over her flesh, until she was panting with desire, and he made love to her again. It was a long, happy night, and they were still entangled in each other's bodies when they awoke in the morning.

She opened one eye, and was happily startled when she saw him. For a moment, she had thought it was a dream. But it wasn't, he was still asleep, and softly snoring. But he woke a few minutes later as she stretched, and shifted the weight of his leg on her a little.

"Is that you?" he growled sleepily, "or have I died and gone toheaven?" He smiled blissfully with his eyes closed in the morning sunlight.

"It's me. But is it you?" she whispered happily. It had been the most beautiful night of her life, the perfect honeymoon, in spite of being pregnant.

"It's me - - - are you still a virgin?" he teased, and she grinned.

"I don't think so."

"Good. Let's just hope you don't get pregnant."

"Don't worry. I'm on the pill." They were giggling and cuddling, and lying as close as they could in the rumpled bed they had slept in.

"I'm relieved to hear it - - - are you going to make me lasagna for breakfast?" He stretched and grinned as she nodded.

"With vanilla."

"Perfect. That's just the way I like it." And then he turned over on his stomach, and lifted his head to kiss her on the lips. "I have a better idea. You relax, and I'll make you breakfast. What would you like? Waffles or pancakes?"

"Shouldn't I be on some kind of diet?" She was feeling guilty. They did nothing but eat all the time, but she wasn't really getting fat, except for her stomach. The baby somehow seemed to absorb it.

"You can worry about that later. What's your pleasure?"

"You." And she demonstrated that amply to him before breakfast, much to his delight.

It was two hours later before they discussed breakfast again, and this time he made scrambled eggs and bacon and steaming, strong coffee. And they sat eating breakfast in the kitchen, in matching silk dressing gowns that were both his, reading the Sunday paper.

"This is the perfect way to spend a Sunday morning," she announced, and he grinned over at her, he had been reading the entertainment section.

"I agree with you entirely." It was absolutely perfect.

They showered and dressed afterward, and went for a drive in her MG, which Bill loved to drive. And they stopped in Malibu for a long walk on the beach, and at sunset they drove slowly home with the top down and the wind in their faces. They looked happy and relaxed and young, and the world seemed to be theirs. They stopped at the supermarket where they had met, and then they went back to his place and made dinner. He poured champagne for both of them before they ate, to celebrate their union.

"To the marriage of two hearts . - - with a third to come," he smiled as he toasted her, and then kissed her. "I love you, my darling."

They kissed again. And they spent a quiet evening at home, watching TV again, and she talked about going home. She didn't want to intrude on him, and she did have her own apartment, after all, but he wouldn't hear of her leaving. He wanted to move some of her things in that week. He couldn't see the point of her staying in the dismal emptiness of her old town house, and she had to agree with him. It didn't have much appeal, not now, when she could be with him, which was all she wanted.

He drove her to work the next day, and told her he'd bring her home after the six o'clock news, and then take her back for the late show.

And when Zelda saw her, smiling at her desk, she knew something had happened to her. But she didn't pry. She just guessed, and hurried down the hall, feeling happy for her. And when he stopped in at noon, Zelda knew exactly who it was, and precisely what must have happened.

"It worked!" Bill beamed.

"What did?" A bear had attacked a child at the zoo, and the child had nearly died, and Adrian had to make a decision about what part of the tape to run, but she was happy to see him anyway, as she looked up and saw him smiling broadly. "What worked?" she said a little more gently. It had been a busy morning, but everything seemed to be bathed
in a haze of happiness and pleasure.

"Your idea. About Harry being the baby's father. It works out perfectly. And everyone on the show is pleased, especially the director. George Orben is a pleasure to work with, and everyone is delighted about his getting a bigger part. You're a genius!"

"Anytime, Mr. Thigpen. Anytime." She smiled. She was still hoping that one day his job offer might work out, and she could be working on his show instead of in the newsroom.

"Can you go out to lunch?" He looked hopeful, but she shook her head.

There was too much going on, the bear at the zoo, a policeman had been brutally murdered an hour before, and the government had fallen in Venezuela.

"I don't think I'm going to get out of here till after the six o'clock news." He nodded, kissed her, disappeared, and was back half an hour later with a huge hamburger, a cup of soup, and a fruit salad.

"It's all good for you. Eat it."

"Yes, sir." And then she whispered, "I love you," under her breath, and saw out of the corner of her eye the look of disapproval on her secretary's face, and she realized what she had done. Her secretary didn't even know she and Steven had separated, and here she was kissing another man. There were several interested stares, and she knew that they would be even more so, once people started figuring out that she was pregnant.

"Who was that?" one of the editors asked her bluntly as Bill left.

"His name is Harry," she said mysteriously, "his wife died several months ago."

She was paraphrasing his new plot for his soap, but of course no one knew it.". . . She was Helen's best friend " The editor raised an eyebrow, shook his head, and went back to work, as Adrian went back to work too. And when he turned to look back at her as he left, he saw that she was smiling.

CHAPTER 20.



SEPTEMBER SPED BY WITH HARD WoRK and happy nights, and blissful weekends. And toward the end of the month, people were beginning to suspect that she was pregnant. She was almost six months, and no matter how loose her clothes, it was easy to figure out that there was something beneath them. She had not asked for maternity leave yet,
though, and she had decided to work till the very end, and take time off after it was born, which seemed simpler.

"If I take time off before, I'll die of boredom," she told Bill, and he didn't disagree.

He thought that as long as the doctor said she was in good health, she should do what she wanted. And he had suggested to her again that she think about working on his show after the baby came and maybe hand in her notice in the newsroom in December.

They went out a fair amount, to quiet restaurants where they could relax like The Ivy and Chianti and the Bistro Garden, and then occasionally to the noisier, livelier ones like Morton's, and Chasen's, and, of course, Spago. And they talked to the boys at least twice a week, and they were fine too. And the ratings on Bill's show were better than ever.

Everything was going smoothly, and Bill kept reminding her that the next time she went, he wanted to join her at the doctor. It was his baby now, too, no matter whose genes were involved, but they had made love often enough, and grown close enough that somehow, he felt he should have been the father, and Adrian didn't deny it.

She had heard nothing from Steven since June, or from his attorney since July, and she didn't worry about it. She assumed that the divorce was still in the works, but she didn't think about it very much. She was too busy at work, and too happy with Bill. And she hadn't slept in the town house since August, the night the boys left.

But the call from her attorney on October first still surprised her.

He was calling to tell her that Steven wanted the condo put on the market. She had expected it, but she was startled anyway. It was nice knowing that she had a place to live, a place of her own, even if she didn't live there.

"They want to be sure you won't be there when it's shown," the lawyer said.

"That's fine," she said coolly.

"And they want you to make your key available to the realtors, and leave the apartment in good order."

"That's not difficult. Did they tell you he'd taken every stick of furniture with him? All I have is the bed and my clothes in the closets, one carpet, and a stool in the kitchen. I'll do my best to leave it neat." Somehow as dismal as it all was, she realized that it was also amusing.

"And you haven't refurnished?" Her attorney sounded surprised by what she had just told him. She had forgotten to tell him before.

And Steven's attorney hadn't told him that, but he suspected that there was a lot more that Steven's attorney hadn't told him, like why he was rejecting his own baby, and ending his marriage to a woman who was both reasonable and decent.

"No, I haven't. The apartment is empty."

"It might not show well that way. They probably think you've refurnished."

"Steven should have thought of that before he cleaned it out. I'm not going to furnish it just so he can sell it out from under me."

"Do you have any interest in buying him out, Mrs. Townsend?"

"No, I don't. And even if I did, I couldn't afford it." The lawyer had told them what he wanted for it, and she thought it was too high.

But if he got it, then she'd get half, so she wasn't going to argue.

"How's the divorce coming?" she asked cautiously. It was still a delicate subject with her.

"Everything is in progress." He hesitated and then decided to ask, even if her husband didn't want to know. "How is your pregnancy going?"

"Fine." And then, "Did Steven's attorney ask about it?"

"No, he didn't," he said regretfully, and she only nodded.

"Is there anything else?"

"No. Just the apartment. We'll proceed with the realtors, and advise you who'll be handling it. How soon could you start showing it?"

She thought about it for a minute and then shrugged. "Tomorrow, I guess." There was really nothing to do. Even her closets were fairly neat, especially now that half her belongings were across the complex in Bill's guest room closet.

"We'll be in touch." She thanked him and they hung up and she was still pensive when Bill picked her up to take her home after the six o'clock news. He did that a lot now. And people talked. They knew who he was, but they were curious about the implications, and she continued to make no comment whatsoever about being pregnant. And when one woman she didn't like had asked, she had looked her right in the eye and said, no, she wasn't.

"Something happen today?" He sensed her mood as they drove home. He had picked up fresh crab for dinner.

"Nothing much," she lied. She was still disturbed about the call from her lawyer.

"You seem quiet."

"You're too smart for your own good." She leaned over and kissed him.

"My attorney called today."

"What's up?" For a moment he looked worried.

"Steven's putting the town house on the market."

"Do you mind?" He frowned as he glanced at her while he drove home.

He never really enjoyed their conversations about Steven. But she didn't love hearing reminiscences about Leslie either.

"Sort of. It's nice to know I have a place of my own, even though I never use it."

"Why? What difference does it make?"

"What if you get tired of me, or we have a fight or . . . I don't know . . . what'll we do when the boys come back for Thanksgiving?" Even though she doubted that it would be sold by then.

"We tell them we love each other and you're having a baby, and we're living together, that's what we tell them. No big deal."

She smiled ruefully at him. "You've been writing soap operas for too long. That might sound normal to you, but it wouldn't to most people, and it won't to Adam and Tommy. And maybe if I lived there all the time, they'd feel crowded and resent
me." She had been thinking about it all day and she was worried about it.

"So what are you telling me? You want to get your own place?" He looked markedly unhappy.

"No, that seems foolish. I'm just telling you that I'm not thrilled he's selling it. It's just nice to have it."

"How much does he want for it?" She told him and he whistled. "That's an awful lot, but at least you get half of that, I assume, if he gets it. Maybe it'll be nicer having money in the bank than an apartment you don't use and just sits there."

She sighed, nodding at the wisdom of what he'd just said. "You're probably right, and it's no big deal. It's an adjustment, that's all."

And there had been a lot of them since June.

And also a lot of very wonderful changes.

"Does he want to talk to you?" Bill asked calmly as they pulled into his parking space.

They were driving the woody. But she shook her head. He didn't.

But she called Steven at his office the next morning. She recognized the secretary's voice, and politely asked to speak to her husband.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Townsend is not available. He's in a meeting."

"Could you please let him know I'm calling," she countered.

"I'm not sure I can disturb him."

"Please try," she urged, getting increasingly annoyed. He had obviously told his secretary that if his wife ever called, not to put her through, and Adrian didn't deserve that.

The secretary disappeared and came back on the line two minutes later.

It hadn't been long enough to tell anyone anything, she was just faking. "I'm sorry, Mr. Townsend will be tied up all day, but I'd be happy to take a message." Tell him to drop dead, she was tempted to say into the phone, but she didn't.

And there were other possibilities, too, but she resisted them all.

"Just tell him I called about the apartment," she started to say, and then decided to really leave him a whopper, "and the baby."

The bomb dropped and there was silence.

"Thank you very much."

"I'll tell him right away," the secretary said in haste, as though he didn't already know. But Adrian knew that Steven would hate getting the message. If his secretary knew, sooner or later, people would start talking.

But he didn't call. His attorney did, half an hour later. Steven had called him within seven minutes. And the attorney had tried to call her attorney but couldn't reach him. So he called Adrian himself so he could call Steven back immediately and assuage his client's panic.

"Is there a problem, Mrs. Townsend? I understand you called your . . . Mr. Townsend this morning."

"That's right. I wanted to speak to him."

For a mad moment, she had wanted to ask him why he was doing this to her, why he was taking everything away that had been theirs, and had rejected their baby. Now that it was moving, that it was alive, that she felt it, and could see the bulge that it caused in her body, she was even less able to understand how he could push them both away. It still didn't make sense, and she wanted to talk to him about it. It had nothing to do with how much she loved Bill. She did. But Steven
was still the baby's father.

"Would you mind telling me why you were calling him?" He tried to sound kind. Steven had been adamant in his instructions.

"Yes, I would. It was personal."

"I'm sorry." He paused and Adrian understood all over again.

"He's not going to speak to me, is he?"

He didn't want to answer her directly, but the lack of an answer told her the same thing just as clearly. "He feels that . . . it would just be too difficult for both of you, particularly given the circumstances." He was afraid she was going to get emotional and try and force the baby on him. He had no idea that she was living with a man who genuinely loved her, and wanted her baby. And he would never have been able to understand it.

"Is there a problem with the pregnancy? Something that relates to Mr. Townsend, in spite of his legal stance vis-az-vis the child?"

She wanted to tell him to shut up, to knock off the legalese and deal with her like a human being. But the sad thing was that he was trying.

"No, never mind. Just tell him to forget it." Which was exactly what he wanted. He had told the attorney that he wanted to forget everything about her, but the lawyer would never have told her.

She hung up the phone, and she was even more depressed that afternoon, and Bill sensed it again, but figured it was still about the apartment, even though he thought it was silly. But he had no idea that she had tried to call Steven, just to talk to him, just to ask him why, it wasn't that she even wanted to change his mind anymore, she just wanted to know why he hadn't loved her, and had refused to accept their baby.

There had to be a reason, something more than just a difficult childhood. But she didn't want to tell Bill. She knew that it would hurt his feelings. Instead, she just sat quietly in the living room, and suggested they call the boys after dinner.

Talking to them always cheered her up. And the next day, her lawyer called her again and gave her the name of the real estate agent who would be showing the apartment.

That weekend, she and Bill went away, and on Monday she felt better.

The apartment didn't seem so important anymore, and she realized that she didn't need a place of her own. She was perfectly happy living with Bill.

And the apartment she had shared with Steven wasn't worth trying to hang on to.

They had gone to stay with friends of his in Palm Beach, an actor who used to be on the show in his youth, and had gone on to make several very successful pictures. He was an interesting man, with a lovely family and a wife Adrian really liked. It had been a perfect weekend, and they had teased Bill a lot about the baby. They assumed it was his, and they didn't find it at all unusual that they weren't married.

But they had also been very warm to the idea, and Janet, the actor's wife, had been wonderfully supportive about the "marvels" of being pregnant. There were times when Adrian wondered if she would ever survive it, and other times when she actually forgot she was pregnant at all. It seemed to depend on the day and the mood and what else had
happened. But the thing to keep in mind, Janet had reminded her, was that at the end of the road, the reward was not fat thighs, which went away, Janet promised, but the greatest wonder of all: a baby. They had both come back from the weekend feeling refreshed and excited about the baby. Bill pulled out some of the books he had bought her that they had never read, and read her all kinds of things that would have terrified her if she hadn't been in such a good mood. And in the end, they made love, which was much better.

And the next morning, at work, her attorney called her again and surprised her by announcing that there was an offer for the apartment, and Steven wanted to accept it. It was within ten thousand dollars of his asking price, and Adrian couldn't believe it.

"Already?"

"We were very surprised, too, and the buyer wants to close in thirty days, if that's all right with you. We realize that that may be too soon for you." But all of a sudden she didn't care. It would be November by then, and the boys would be coming home for Thanksgiving, and Bill insisted that he wanted her to continue to stay with him, and he had already suggested that they turn the guest room into a nursery sometime in the next few months, which had bowled her over.

"How do you feel about the thirty-day closing?" the attorney asked her directly.

"It's fine." He was surprised to hear it.

"And the price?" She sat quietly for a minute, but only because in her head, she was saying good-bye to the apartment and to Steven.

"It's fine too."

"You accept it?"

"Yes." Christ. Push, push, push.

"I'll get the papers over to you this afternoon. You can sign them and I'll send them back to your husband's attorney."

"Fine."

"We'll send them right over." And when he did, it seemed odd to see Steven's signature looking up at her. She hadn't seen any part of him in so long that seeing his handwriting was like a jolt into the past.

But there was nothing else, no note, no letter, nothing jotted on the forms. He had completely removed himself from her life and he wanted to keep it that way, no matter what. It was almost as though he was afraid of her, but she couldn't understand why. It seemed so unreasonable, but maybe it no longer mattered.

She showed the papers to Bill that night and he said they looked fine, but he made a couple of suggestions, about the escrow, and how to handle the deposit, and suggested she talk to her divorce lawyer about them. And he warned her to be careful that she got her fair share out of the proceeds from the apartment. And then he asked her something he'd been wondering for a while, but hadn't wanted to bring it up, because he didn't want to upset her.

"What about spousal support? Has he offered you anything? And support for the baby?"

"I haven't asked for anything," she said quietly. "I have my salary. And he's already told me that he won't support the baby. He's renouncing all his rights before it's born, I told you that." She looked upset talking about it. "I don't want anything from him."

If he didn't want her, and the baby, then she didn't want his money.

But Bill thought her sentiments were both noble and stupid.

"What if you get sick? If something happens to you?" he asked her gently.

"I have insurance," she said, shrugging.

And then he turned to her with a look of quiet exasperation.

"Why are you letting this guy off so damn easy, Adrian? Are you still in love with him? He deserted you. He owes you something, and the child." And then he felt his heart sink as she shook her head and reached out to touch him.

"You know, I'm not in love with him. But I was married to him . . .he was my husband he still is technically . . . and," she almost gulped on the word, after everything Bill had done for her, but it was still the truth, "he's the baby's father." She didn't want to hurt him, but it was true, and it meant something to her, and he knew it.

"That means a lot to you, doesn't it?"

She looked down at her hands and then looked up at him again as she nodded and spoke very softly. "Yes, it does. Not a lot. But something. It's his child, Bill. What if he comes to his senses one day? He has a right to something . . . some part of it . . . I don't want to slam all the doors on him, in case one day he wants that."

"I don't think he ever will." Bill spoke just as quietly. He didn't want to fight with her, and as he listened to her, he wondered if there was any point in his fighting Steven. Bill didn't want to get hurt.

But he didn't want to lose her, or the baby, either. "I think you're dreaming if you think he'll come back. I think he's made his position clear."

"He might change his mind."

"Do you want him to, Adrian? Do you want him back?"

He looked her right in the eye and she shook her head, and he believed her. And without another word, he took her in his arms. "I'll die if I ever lose you." She knew that, and she would have died if she lost him, too, and yet . . . there was still the specter of Steven. .

"I don't want to lose you either."

"You won't." And then he smiled. As he held her, he could feel the baby kicking.

"Thank you for being so good to me."

"Don't be silly." He kissed her and they sat together for a long time, but their conversation worried him afterward. He knew how strong her loyalties were, and even though she loved him, to her it was still important that Steven was really the baby's father. And Bill knew that there was nothing he could do to protect himself anymore. He just had to love her, and take his chances.

CHAPTER 21.



THE APARTMENT S0LD QUICKLY AND SIMply, and in the first week of November, the deal closed, and she and Bill packed up her things and moved them to his place across the complex. It was all very simple, and much less emotional than she had feared. There was nothing left to hold on to, or feel sentimental about. Steven had taken it all with him five months before, even the album with their wedding pictures.

She wondered what he had done with it, and figured he had probably thrown it out. It was odd. It was so completely gone, everything had disappeared as though nothing had ever happened. She tried to explain it to Bill as she put the rest of her belongings in his guest room.

"It's almost as if we were never married. I feel as though I never knew him." And yet at the same time, Bill knew that her loyalties to Steven were tremendous.

"Maybe you didn't. There are people like that sometimes." But he was happy to see that she didn't look depressed. She was getting a little tired these days, but she still felt pretty well. She was seven months pregnant, and they were both excited about seeing the boys over Thanksgiving. They were due to come out in two weeks. But the week before, she had to go to the doctor. And this time, Bill came. He had wanted to come for months, but she always seemed to go when he had a crisis on the show or a major network meeting. But this time, he had told his secretary that he would be gone for two hours no matter what came up, and he drove Adrian to see her doctor. Shortly after meeting Bill she had switched to a woman doctor who had been recommended by several friends, and Adrian really seemed to like her. And when Bill met her he could see why. Jane Bergman was intelligent and direct and treated the entire process as though it was normal and natural, and she reassured them both that she had every reason to believe that the birth would be normal and easy. She also seemed perfectly comfortable with the fact that they were living together and not married. One of the reasons why Adrian had changed was because her previous doctor had known about Steven and there would have been too many questions. This woman had no idea that the baby wasn't Bill's, but someone else's. And she let Bill listen to the baby's heart, and he beamed as he heard it.

"It sounds like a hamster," Bill said seriously, listening to the baby's heartbeat.

"That's a nice thing to say," Adrian laughed. But Bill was extremely moved by having heard it, and touched by her vulnerability as she lay there with her enormous belly. Dr. Bergman said the baby was a good size, and recommended they take a Lamaze class. They both knew what it was, but Adrian wasn't sure what it entailed, and it had been more than
eight years since Bill had done one with Leslie.

"It might make a difference," she said easily. She was a woman about Bill's age, and she seemed very competent to him, and he was glad he'd come. He liked her. And he said as much to Adrian as they drove back to the office.

"I wish I could have it at home," Adrian said longingly, looking out the window.

"Oh, Jesus," Bill groaned. "Don't even say that."

"Why?" She sounded plaintive, and almost childish, and she was making him extremely nervous. "It would be so much nicer."

"And so much more dangerous. Be nice, and listen to Dr. Bergman. We'll do the Lamaze class right after the boys come."

That would give them a month to do it before the baby came. But he had noticed lately that Adrian was starting to get very nervous. For seven months she had managed to avoid it and pretend she wasn't pregnant, but suddenly it was coming close, and she had to face it. She asked Bill a lot of questions, about the boys when they were born, and she had
started reading the books. But he suspected that she was afraid of the pain and possible complications. And to him, the baby was starting to look enormous.

"I love you," he reminded her as he left her in the hallway outside the newsroom.

"Hi, Harry!" one of the editors called out as he hurried past, and Bill stared at Adrian in confusion.

"Who's Harry?" She started to laugh, remembering the story she had told months before when they had pressed her.

"You are. I told them you were Harry .. and you were a widower, your wife had been one of Helen's best friends . . ." She put on a serious face as she summarized his soap, and he started to roar with laughter.

"You're impossible. Go back to work, and stop worrying about the baby."

"Who's worried?" She pretended to be glib, but he knew she was worried in spite of what she said, and he didn't blame her. She had the added stress of going through a divorce while she was pregnant.

"See you later, sweetheart." He kissed her again and hurried back to work, after promising to pick her up after the evening show, and take her out to dinner.

They went to Le Chardonnay, and they had a wonderful meal and a delightful evening. He had just won another award for the show, and there had been a lot of press about it, and he was very pleased about it. And she was proud of him, too, and he insisted on giving her credit.

"You keep the ratings up with your crazy ideas." She fed him a lot of wild plots for the show, and he was still hoping she'd come to work for him after the baby. And they were laughing and talking about it, as a couple sat down at the next table. And Bill didn't know what had happened, but Adrian's face suddenly went pale as she stared at them.

She was looking at the man as though she'd seen a ghost, and he looked horrified when he saw her. And then he turned away and continued to talk to the woman he was with. She was young and sleek, and attractive, and she looked very athletic. But she wasn't half as pretty as Adrian, although she did look a few years younger. But Bill wasn't looking at the other girl, he was looking at Adrian across the table. And then he turned and realized who the man was next to them.

It was Steven.

She was still staring at him, and without a word to Bill, she leaned forward to speak to her husband.

"Steven . . ." She reached out toward his table, as though to catch his attention, but only the girl turned to look at her, wondering what she wanted. Steven turned away, turning his back on her, pretending to call the waiter. "Steven . . ." She said his name more clearly, and the girl looked as though she didn't know whether to smile or back away, the expression on Adrian's face was so odd, and so upset, and she looked so hugely pregnant.

And then, as though he knew he couldn't avoid her any longer, he spoke to the girl in a harsh voice as he stood up. "Let's go. The service in this place is dreadful." He was on his feet and halfway to the door before the girl could say another word, and she looked at Adrian in confusion and dismay as though to apologize, and all she could say was "I don't think he heard you."

"Yes, he did," Adrian said, her face pale as ice, her hands clammy.

"He heard me perfectly." And there was absolutely nothing wrong with the service.

"I'm sorry." The girl nodded and dashed after him, and Adrian saw her talking to him, but he yanked her out the door and they were gone, as she sat there shaking. Bill was paying the check, and he also looked ashen. He didn't say a word, and they walked outside into the cool air, as Adrian caught her breath.

She was feeling sick, after their wonderful dinner. And as they reached the street, they were just in time to see him drive away with the girl in his Porsche.

"Why did you speak to him?" Bill asked when they got into the woody.

"Why did you bother?" He looked upset, and she turned to him with anger in her eyes. She was in no mood to argue with him, or with anyone.

Steven had made himself abundantly clear, as though he hadn't already.

"I haven't seen him in five months, and I was married to him for two and a half years. Is it so odd that I would say something to him?"

"Given the way he's treated you, yes, it is, don't you think? Or were you going to thank him for all the nice things he's done for you lately?" The truth was, Bill was jealous, and he hated himself for making a fuss over it.

But he had hated the look in her eyes, the anguish on her face, as she reached out to him. And he hated Steven for hurting her. He wanted him out of her life forever.

"Don't pick on me." She started to cry, and she looked ghostly pale in the car as she rubbed her stomach. Even the baby was upset. It was kicking violently, and all she wanted to do was go home and lie down and forget him, but she knew she couldn't. "He didn't even look at me."

"Adrian," Bill said through clenched teeth, "the guy is a total shit. How long is it going to take you to accept that? A year? Five? Ten? You keep waiting for him to come back and throw roses at you and the baby. And I keep telling you, he's not going to. Did you get the message tonight? He wouldn't even speak to you, he got up and walked out. This is not a man who gives a damn about you or your baby." And Bill suspected that he never had, although he didn't say that.

"How can he do that? How can he not feel anything for his own child? He's repressing it, but sooner or later he'll have to face it."

"The only one who'll have to face anything is you. He's gone, baby. Forget him." She didn't answer, and they drove the rest of the way home in silence, but when they got home, they started arguing again, and Adrian went to bed in tears in the guest room, and the next morning she was subdued as they met over breakfast in the kitchen. He didn't say a word to her. He let her make her own breakfast for once, and then finally looked at her over the sports page.

"What exactly is it you're expecting from him? Why don't you clarify it for me, just so I understand once and for all what it is you want from him." And what he was up against from the competition.

"From Steven?" He nodded. "I don't know. I just expect him to deal with the fact that we're having a baby. He doesn't even know what he's rejecting. I can accept the fact that he's divorcing me, because he thinks I betrayed him. But I can't accept the fact that he's turning his back on his own child. One day he'll regret it."

"Of course he will. But that's the price he'll have to pay. And maybe he'll never come to his senses. And how can you say you betrayed him? Did you fool him? Did you get pregnant on purpose?"

"Absolutely not." She looked insulted.

And it was a question he had never asked her but always wondered. He wondered if that was why she felt so guilty. "I knew how strongly he felt about it and I was always careful."

"I thought so." He almost smiled, he loved her so much, and he hated their arguments, but at least there weren't many, and they were only on one subject. Steven. "But it doesn't hurt to ask. Go on. What do you want from him?" He really wanted to know, for his own sake, and for hers. They needed to face it.

"I just want him to acknowledge the baby. To admit that it's his, to deal with that fact. I think he's run away from it since the beginning. I want him to see it and say okay, I understand, it's mine but I really don't want It . . . or yes, it is, I was wrong, I love my baby. But I don't want him to run away from me forever, because I keep thinking he'll come back at some point, and be sorry, and want us back, and then he'll screw up my life, and the baby's, and yours and his own, and whatever I do, I'll always feel guilty. I need to feel free of him, completely, before I can really go on with my life, and in order to feel that, I need him to address the issue squarely or at least talk to me, and explain why he feels the way he does. He hasn't even had the decency to talk to me since he left the apartment." It was the first time she had stated it so clearly and it finally made sense. She couldn't really believe he was gone for good and she wanted direct confirmation from him that he understood what he was giving up and that he really meant it. It made sense, but Bill didn't think she was going to get it.

Steven wasn't that kind of person, and he had already shown her that, for five months and the night before. He was going to run away, divorce her through attorneys, and give up the baby without ever seeing it. That was the way he was, and she just had to face it.

"I don't think you're going to get anything more out of him than you've gotten. He just can't deal with it directly."

"How do you know that?"

"Look at him last night. Is that a guy with guts who's going to confront you? He practically ran out the door, ten feet ahead of his girlfriend."

"Is that what she was?" She looked intrigued and he looked annoyed.

"How the hell do I know?"

"She looked very young," she said thoughtfully, and he groaned.

"So do you, because you are. So stop that, and what difference does it make anyway? The point is that you have to let go of him, Adrian. That's the real issue."

"But what if he comes back later?" It was something that worried her a lot. She was sure he would come back into her life after she had the baby.

"You deal with it when it happens."

"But the baby has a right . .

"I know, I know." He slammed a fist on the kitchen table and she jumped. "The baby has a right to its natural father, right? I've heard it before. But what if his or her 'natural father' is an asshole? Then what? Wouldn't it be simpler to just let it go now?"

"What if Leslie had told you she wanted to leave you when she was drunk? Wouldn't you feel an obligation to see how she felt when she was sober?"

"Maybe. Why?"

"Because I think Steven has been drunk on fear since the days I told him I was pregnant. And as soon as he calms down, stops panicking, and sobers up, he's going to feel different."

"Maybe not. Maybe he really does hate kids. Maybe you should listen to him. Maybe he means it."

"I just want to know from him that he knows what he's doing."

"Maybe he doesn't. Are you going to hold your life up forever?" More to the point, was she going to hold theirs up? But he also knew it wasn't easy just forgetting a man with whom she had had a baby, and to whom she had been married for two and a half years before she got pregnant.

"You think I'm stupid to give a damn, don't you?"

"No." He sighed and sat back in his chair at the kitchen table. "I just think you're wasting your time. Just forget him."

"I feel like I'm stealing something from him," she explained, and caught his attention.

"I'm taking his baby away from him, and giving it to you, because you want it. But what if he comes back and says, hey, that's mine, give it back to me . . . what then?" It was a good point, but Bill still didn't think he'd ever change his mind about her or the baby. He was a fool not to, but Bill sincerely believed that he wouldn't.

"You'll just have to wait and see. We're not going anywhere. We're not moving to Africa with the baby." No, but they were getting more and more involved with each other, and he knew it. He already felt as though the child were his, and in some ways, he knew that Adrian was trying to protect him from getting hurt and Steven from making a mistake that he would regret forever. "You can't be responsible for everyone. Let each of us make our own decisions, and if they're lousy
decisions, that still isn't your problem." And then he beckoned to her, as he put aside his paper. "I love you . . . I want the baby .. and if he comes back and changes his mind, we'll just have to face it. What's the worst that could happen anyway? He gets visiting rights? That's not so awful. We could live with that," and then, as he looked at her, he felt a whisper of terror. "Or would you go back to him yourself?" he asked her, and held his breath as he waited for the answer.

She shook her head, but there was the slightest hint of hesitation.

"I don't think so."

He felt as though he was going to faint as she said it. "What do you mean, you don't think so?"

"I mean no. But it would depend on the circumstances . . . on a lot of things . . Bill, I don't love him anymore, if that's what you're asking. I love you. But there's more than just us . . . there's the baby."

"Would you go back to a man you didn't love, for the sake of his child?"

"I doubt it." But she couldn't swear that she wouldn't.

He got up and left the table then, and it was a difficult few days until they both calmed down again. And finally, they made a truce, and spent the weekend in bed, talking and making love, and trying to explain their positions. She just wanted to be sure that Steven wasn't going to change his mind and want the baby. She thought he should at least see it when it was born. And Bill didn't like the idea, but he was willing to accept it. And after Steven's performance the night before, he considered it highly unlikely that he would come to see it.

"And after that, will you marry me?" he asked her seriously, and she beamed when he asked her.

"Yes, I will. If you still want me." But she didn't want him to tell the boys they were getting married until all the details were out of the way, the termination papers, the divorce, and they were sure about Steven. Bill still felt it was a courtesy her ex-husband didn't deserve, but he was willing to indulge her. And he was thrilled to think that eventually they would be getting married. "Do you think the boys will mind?" she asked worriedly. She was starting to worry about everything, but the doctor had explained that at this stage, anxiety was to be expected. She was worried about the delivery, the labor, the pain, the baby's health, all the normal things that women worried about, and Bill also knew that the divorce was a strain on her, and so had been selling the apartment. And she had held up beautifully, but now she was starting to worry about little things. And he suspected that her obsession about being fair to Steven was part of the same process.

She was still tenser than usual when Adam and Tommy came. She was terrified that they were going to be upset about the baby. And she decided to be honest with them. They looked undeniably surprised when they saw her stomach when she and Bill picked them up at the airport.

"Wow!" Tommy said, looking awestruck.

"What happened?"

"Don't ask questions like that!" Adam scolded.

"I'm having a baby," Adrian explained unnecessarily, that much was obvious, even to Tommy.

"Is it Daddy's?" he asked, and Adam kicked him.

"No, it's not," she explained, once they were at home, drinking hot chocolate in the comfortable kitchen. "It's my husband's. But we're still getting divorced. In fact . . ." She was going to be totally up front with them, and Bill had already said that he would support her. ". . . that's why he left me. Because he didn't want a baby. So we're getting a divorce, and he's giving up all his rights to the baby." She said it very simply and the boys looked shocked, particularly Adam.

"That's awful!"

"No, it's not," Tommy said matter-of-factly. "If she weren't getting divorced, she wouldn't be with Daddy, and she wouldn't have been there to save me at Lake Tahoe last summer."

"That's true," Adrian laughed. They had a way of reducing it to practical basics.

"When's the baby coming?" Adam wanted to know.

"In January. In about seven weeks."

"That's pretty soon." Adam looked very sorry for her. "Where are you going to live? In your apartment?" But this time their father interrupted.

"No, right here, with us . . . with me."

He smiled. "We're going to put the baby in the guest room."

"Are you going to get married?" Tommy looked hopeful, and Adam didn't look as though he'd be averse to the situation either.

"Eventually," Bill supplied. "But not for a while. We need to sort things out first."

"Wow!" Tommy was visibly pleased, and Adam leaned over and hugged her.

He was horrified by the story of her husband deserting her, and later he told his father that he thought he should marry her before she had the baby.

"I'll keep it in mind, Son." And then he answered him seriously. "I'd like to. But we have to wait for her divorce to be final."

"When will that be?"

"Pretty soon. We'll let you know what's happening." It seemed like a lot for them to absorb, but by the next morning, everyone was back to normal. The television was on, there was laundry everywhere, the boys were hopping all over the place, and Bill was making breakfast in the kitchen. It felt like one happy, normal family, and Tommy told her he hoped the baby was a boy, because girls were so dumb, but Adam only smiled and told her that whatever it was, they would love it. His gentleness made her cry, and she tidied the apartment up afterward when they went out for a while with their father. And when they came home, they brought her a huge bouquet of flowers.

She and Bill cooked Thanksgiving dinner for them, and it was a beautiful holiday for all of them. The only flaw in a perfect day was when Bill overheard her calling her mother.

"No, he's fine," she had just said, "he had to go to London on business." And then she saw Bill's face, and after she hung up, he cornered her in the kitchen. Their Thanksgiving dinner was over by then, and the boys were already asleep in their bedroom.

"What was that all about?" But he knew without her telling him. She was lying to her mother about Steven.

"There's no point in upsetting her. No one in my family has ever gotten divorced, and it's the holidays, for heaven's sake."

"He's been gone for six months, Adrian. You've had plenty of time to tell her." And then something else occurred to him. "Have you told her yet about the baby?" She shook her head, and he sat down in a chair and looked at her. "What kind of game are you playing? Why are you protecting him?"

"I'm not." Tears filled her eyes again. "I just don't want to get into it with her. I didn't tell her at first because I thought he'd come back, and now it's so awkward, and I don't need the pressure. They always give me a hard time. I'll tell her later." There were tears in her eyes and it was hard for her to make him understand how awkward things had always been with her family.

"When are you going to tell them? After our third child is born? Or at the baby's college graduation? Maybe you ought to give her a little hint sometime before that."

"What do you expect me to say? I've never been close to her. I don't want to talk to her about it."

"You could just tell her you're having a baby."

"Why?" But even she knew it was a stupid question.

"What are you waiting for?" He looked her dead in the eye, and for once fear touched her heart. He looked hurt as well as angry. "Are you waiting for him to come back, so you can clean it all up for them?"

He had hit a nerve and he knew it.

"Maybe I was at first . . . and now it's all so damned complicated. How can I ever begin to explain it?"

"You're going to have to eventually . .

unless Steven came home . . . but he wasn going to get into that again with her. "Look, it's your life. They're your parents. I just don't understand what you're doing."

"Neither do I sometimes," she admitted to him. "I'm sorry, Bill. Everything got so screwed up when he left, and I didn't tell anyone. I was too embarrassed to at first, and then it was too late, and now it's ridiculous. Hell, half the people at work still think I'm cheating on my husband."

She smiled at him, and he pulled her closer to him.

"You drive me crazy sometimes, but maybe that's why I love you."

"And that's why Harry loves Helen, who was best friends with . . ."

She started to laugh and he swatted her behind with the kitchen towel as he put the last dish away.

"Stop that! It's beginning to sound like the begats in the Bible."

"I'm sorry, Bill . . . sometimes I make a real mess of things."

"We'll get it all sorted out sooner or later."

He believed that they would, but he was beginning to hope that it would be sooner, rather than later.

CHAPTER 22.



THE LONG THANKSGIVING WEEKEND WENT much too quickly. And there was so much to talk about, now that the boys knew Adrian had moved in, and that she was having a baby. Adam was particularly fascinated with it, and wanted to touch her stomach to see if he could feel it move, and he was thrilled when it kicked repeatedly and he felt it. He turned wide
eyes to her as Bill smiled at them.

"It's neat, isn't it?" It filled Bill with wonder too, each time he felt it.

And they were highly amused when they all went for a walk in the park, and before they went, try as she might, Adrian could not tie her own sneakers.

"I feel as though I'm leaning over a beach ball."

"So do I," he whispered as he knelt to help her with her shoes. They still made love whenever they had the time and the energy, but for the same reason she couldn't tie her shoes, it was rapidly becoming something of a challenge. "You know, this is something that could only happen to me," he laughed as he finished tying her laces, and sat down on the floor looking up at her. She was peering at him over her enormous stomach.

"What?"

"Falling in love with a woman who is eight months pregnant."

She chuckled, seeing the humor of it too. It was certainly a most unusual courtship.

"Maybe you can use it as research for the show. Maybe Harry could desert Helen and she could fall for someone else," she suggested cheerfully, putting on one of his sweaters.

"No one would believe this," he grinned, and they went out to play ball in Penman Park with Adam and Tommy.

The next day, the boys flew home, and the house seemed too quiet again without them.

But now there was a lot to do before the holidays. The newsroom was going wild, and the cast of his show always seemed to get more than a little worked up before Christmas. The pressures of their own lives and the imaginary traumas of the show seemed to combine to make them all come slightly unglued. And Adrian was trying to get the nursery ready too. Every night between the two shows, she would sit for hours, making skirts for the bassinet, or trying to figure out how to hang the curtains.

"Here, let me do that!" Bill was always chasing her off ladders or wrestling with assembling the crib himself. And then they would look at each other and laugh. It was all getting very exciting. And the boys were excited too. They hadn't seemed to resent the baby at all.

They were too sorry for Adrian being abandoned by her husband, and too pleased at the idea of sharing the wonder of the baby. Now every time they called, the first thing they asked was whether or not she'd had it. But Bill promised they would call immediately, and the boys would be the first to know. They were hoping for a boy, but Bill secretly wanted a girl, not that it really mattered.

They attended their first Lamaze class after Thanksgiving. Adrian managed to sign up for one at the hospital that started right after the evening news show. And they appeared with a dozen other couples, all of whom, save one, were first-time parents. She felt a little strange being there, and she felt awkward about doing exercises and doing Lamaze with a roomful of strangers. But Bill and her doctor had insisted that it would help her.

"Help me do what?" she argued with him on the way over, eating a turkey sandwich that was left over from lunch. She would have to go right back to work after the class, for her late broadcast. "The baby's going to come out anyway, whether I huff and puff or not."

All she knew was that Lamaze had something to do with breathing.

"It'll help you relax," he said calmly.

And then, almost jealously, she looked over at him as she ate the pickle. "Did you do this with Leslie?" It was beginning to irk her that he had done all this before, and he seemed to know a lot more about the mysteries of her pregnancy than she did.

But he was noticeably vague. He didn't like comparing his previous life to this one. This one was different from anything he'd ever shared with anyone, and it was unique. "Yeah z . . sort of . . ." was all he would say, but he continued to insist that the natural childbirth class was worth doing.

"I still think I'd rather have the baby at home." It was a refrain he'd heard before, and wouldn't even let her consider.

They parked in the hospital garage, walked into the hospital, and followed a number of extremely pregnant-looking women up to the third floor, where they all gathered with what the lecturer referred to as their "significant others." They were invited to make themselves comfortable on the floor, where they sat cross-legged on exercise mats, and introduced themselves, and their husbands. There were two teachers, a nurse, two girls who didn't work, a secretary, a postal
employee, a swimming instructor who looked as though she was in fantastic shape, a hairdresser, a musician, and a woman who tuned pianos.

And their assortment of mates was equally diverse. If anything, Adrian and Bill were the most sophisticated, and the most successful, but they just said they worked in TV, in the production end, and no one was impressed.

The only thing that they all had in common was their pregnancies. Even their ages were widely different. Of the two women who didn't work, one was nineteen and still in college, and her husband was only twenty.

And the postal employee was forty-two, her husband fifty-five, and this was their first baby.

And somewhere in between was a range of people in their twenties and thirties, of various sizes and shapes and interests. Adrian was faintly intrigued with them, and she spent more time looking around than exercising until they were invited to stop for a "coffee break."

The women drank sodas and water, while the men drank tea and coffee.

And everyone looked more than a little nervous.

The instructor addressed all of them then and assured them that if they practiced enough, the breathing techniques would really help them. And to illustrate her point of how well it could work, she showed them a film of a natural delivery using Lamaze, from beginning to end. And as Adrian watched the woman on the screen writhe in pain, she gripped Bill's hand in horror. It was the woman's second child, the instructor said.

The first had been a "medicated birth," she said with disdain. And this one was supposed to be a great improvement. They could hear every push and groan as she labored on the screen, and Adrian found the blow-by-blow descriptions of what was happening to her anything but comforting. She looked as though she were going to die, and finally, using the pant-blow technique, and then pushing until her face was dark red, there was a long, reedy wail, and a terrible series of grunts and screams, and a tiny red face appeared between her legs and she started to cry as she smiled, and everyone in the delivery room exclaimed as her baby was born. It was a girl, and the woman lay back victoriously as her husband beamed and helped cut the cord.

And then, as the lights went on, the movie was over. Adrian looked horrified by what she'd seen and they didn't say another word until they left and were back in Bill's car on the way to the station.

"Well," he said quietly, "what did you think?" He could see that she was upset, but he had no idea to what extent, until she looked at him with wide eyes filled with terror.

"I want an abortion." He almost laughed, she looked so sweet, and he leaned over and kissed her, feeling sorry for her. He had thought the film was a little extreme. There would have been ways to make the entire process seem a little less awesome. And he wasn't sure that showing a film of an actual birth was such a great idea to a roomful of firsttime mothers. "Primips," as the Lamaze teacher had called them.

"It won't be so bad. I promise." He loved her more than ever before.

And he just wanted everything to turn out all right, and for her to have a healthy baby, and for it to be easy for her. He still remembered what a hard time Leslie had had, and how scared he had been himself when Adam was born. But Tommy had been a lot better. And he was hoping that he could use the little he knew and remembered, to help Adrian this time.

The only thing he hated about it was the prospect of seeing her suffer.

"How do you know it won't be so bad?" she asked angrily. "Have you ever had a baby? Did you see that woman's face? I thought she was going to die while she was pushing."

"So did I. So it was a lousy film. Forget it."

"I'm not going back."

"That won't solve anything. Let's at least get the breathing down, so I can help you."

"I want a general anesthetic," she said matter-of-factly, but when she broached the subject to Jane, her doctor, the next time they went, she only smiled sympathetically.

"We only do that in very rare cases, in instances of a serious emergency when we don't have time to do a cesarean with an epidural. And there's no reason at all to think that you'll have any problem at all. Just go to the classes, Adrian, and you'll be surprised at how smoothly it goes for you when you're in labor."

"I don't want to have it," Adrian repeated to Bill as they left the doctor's office. She was matter-of-fact, and absolutely terrified.

"It's a little late for that, sweetheart," he said calmly. She was wearing a pink dress and ponytail as they walked back to his car. She was scared to death at having the baby now, ever since the first Lamaze class, and they had been to two now.

"That stupid breathing doesn't work. I can't even remember how to do it."

"Don't worry. We'll practice." And that night, he made her lie down and pretend she was having a contraction. He pretended to time the pain, and she tried the breathing technique, and halfway through it she stopped, and slipped a graceful hand into his trousers. "Stop that! Will you be serious!" He tried to get her hand out of his pants, but she was tickling him and he was laughing.

"Let's do something else," she announced with a wicked gleam in her eye as she attacked him.

"Adrian - . . be serious! Stop it!"

"I am serious!" But not about breathing.

"That's what got you into this in the first place."

"Maybe you've got a point." She tried to roll over on her stomach but she couldn't get far. The lump, as she referred to it at times, seemed to be getting bigger by the hour. And it was extremely peppy, she could feel kicks almost constantly, especially at night, and it only seemed to relax in the early morning.

"Maybe I'll just stay pregnant. It's too much trouble to get this thing out." It was like building an ocean liner in the basement.

"I wouldn't mind seeing you skinny again," he said wistfully, "you had kind of a cute figure when I met you."

"Thanks," she said to him, rolling onto her back like a beached whale.

Lying like that, she looked absolutely enormous. "You don't like my figure now?" She was half serious, and he knew he had to be careful.

He lay next to her, on his stomach, and propped himself up on his elbows as he kissed her.

"I happen to think you're the most beautiful woman I know, pregnant or not."

"Thank you." She smiled and tears came to her eyes, and then she put her arms around his neck like a child, and the tears brimmed over.

"I'm scared," she confessed, and she touched his heart as she said it.

"I know you are, baby, but it's going to be fine. I promise."

"But what if it isn't? What if something happens - . - to me - . or the baby?" It sounded stupid, but she was afraid she was going to die.

She kept thinking of the woman in the film, going through awful pain and screaming. No one had ever told her it was going to be like that.

She just thought the baby came out, somehow, and that was it.

No one had ever admitted that it could be that painful.

"Nothing's going to happen to you or the baby. I won't let it. I'll be there every second, holding your hand, and helping you. And it'll be over before you know it."

"Is it really that bad?" She looked into his eyes earnestly, and he didn't want to tell her how bad it had been for Leslie. It had almost driven him crazy to see it.

"Not necessarily. I think for some people it's fairly easy. "

"Yeah. If they have hips like the Panama Canal," she said sadly, because she didn't.

"You'll be fine." He kissed her gently on the lips, and she slipped her hands into his shirt and touched his shoulders. And then she ran her hands down his back, and he felt a tremor of excitement They were kissing, and she was touching him, and he gently let his hands wander over her body, and then he grinned in the midst of their passion. "I should be shot for molesting a woman in your condition." The absurdity of it struck him for a moment and then he forgot its "No, you
shouldn't," she teased, and he marveled at how much she still turned him on. He rolled over on his back and laid her on top of him, as they took their clothes off. And half an hour later, they lay spent, and he looked at her guiltily. He was terrified he might cause her to go into labor, but the doctor hadn't told them not to. "Are you okay?" he asked nervously, looking at her as though she might explode at any moment.

"Never better." She looked at him as though she were drunk, and then she giggled.

"I'm disgusting," he said, watching her. "I shouldn't do that."

"Yes, you should. I'd much rather make love to you than have the baby. And at least I can't get pregnant."

He frowned then as he looked at her. "I thought you told me you were a virgin."

"I am," she said happily. It seemed miraculous to her that their relationship was still so passionate, and she was more than eight months pregnant.

"Want to try the breathing again?" he volunteered as they lay in bed.

He felt as though he had to do something to redeem himself for his unbridled passion.

"I thought we just did," she said benignly.

And then she glanced at the clock in dismay.

It was ten o'clock, and she had to get up and go back to work. She was still planning to work full-time till the eleventh hour. Zelda had already volunteered to cover for her, anytime Adrian wanted her to, but so far Adrian hadn't called her. She was planning to start her maternity leave the same day she was due to have the baby. And Bill had already told her he thought she was pushing.

"Why don't you at least relax for a few weeks before that?"

"I'll have plenty of time to relax after I have the baby."

"That's what you think." He grinned. He remembered only too well the nights without sleep, the broken sleep from nursing a baby who wanted to eat every two or three hours.

He tried to tell her that, but she still wanted to work till the end.

She felt fine and insisted that she needed the distraction. But every time she went in to work, Zelda practically groaned when she saw her.

"How do you walk around with that?" she asked, pointing to Adrian's stomach.

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"No." Adrian smiled. "You get used to it."

"I hope not," Zelda sympathized. It was something so foreign to her, and she had no desire to make it familiar. Babies were just not something she wanted. Nor was a husband. And she liked Bill a lot, but she admitted to Adrian early on that just being with them made her nervous. It was all much too married- But she was happy for Adrian.

No one deserved a good man more than she did. And there was no doubt in Zelda's mind, he was a good one. Not like that son of a bitch Steven.

She had run into him a few times. He went to the same gym she did, but he hadn't seemed to notice her. And she had seen him there several times with different girls, always pretty, always young, and she was willing to bet that none of them knew that he had walked out on his wife because she was having a baby. She had asked Adrian once or twice if she ever heard from him, but Adrian always shook her head, and it seemed to be a sensitive subject, so she stopped asking.

Bill drove Adrian to work that night, as he did every night now, and spent an hour at his own desk while she was working and then she would come to his office to pick him up, and sometimes they would sit and chat for a little while, in his comfortable office. They never seemed to run out of things to say, or ideas that they shared, or new plots for the show. They were a perfect match in many ways, and they had a good time, in bed and out, and they were both laughing as they headed for the elevator and she stopped with a funny look on her face.

"What's up?" He looked at her worriedly "I don't know. . - -" She leaned against him, surprised by what it had felt like. Her whole belly had gotten hard as a rock, and felt as though it were being squeezed in a vise.

She knew what it was from the description in the Lamaze class. "I think I just had a contraction." She looked scared, and he put an arm around her. But she felt fine now. It had come and gone, but she looked up at him with an expression of panic.

"You've been working too hard. You've got to slow down, or the baby will come early."

"It can't do that. I'm not ready for it." The nursery was almost finished, but her head wasn't prepared for what she'd have to go through. "I want to enjoy Christmas before I have it."

"Then stop knocking yourself out," he scolded. "Tell them you can't do the late show anymore. They'll understand. Hell, you're eight months pregnant." And she wasn't even sure she was coming back. She was going to use her maternity leave to decide if she wanted to go to work for Bill. It still scared her a little to become that dependent on him.

They drove home and on the way, she had two more contractions. But when they got home, he gave her a small glass of white wine and insisted that she drink it, and miraculously the contractions stopped, and she looked delighted. She had been scared to death that she was about to have the baby.

"That really worked."

"Of course." He looked pleased with himself as he kissed her. And then, for an instant, he looked guilty. "Maybe we shouldn't be making love anymore." He wondered if their earlier indulgence had done it.

"The doctor didn't say anything. And I think those are just those warm-up contractions to get things ready."

"The more you have now, the easier it'll be."

"Good. Then let's make love again." She polished off the wine, and grinned up at him, looking like an elf with an enormous stomach as she said it.

"I think you're perverted." And the awful thing was that he actually wanted to make love to her. He wanted to make love to her all the time. How could he have fantasies about a woman who was eight months pregnant? But he found that he loved her more each day, and somehow she seemed sweet to him the way she was. She was so vulnerable, and so cute and so cuddly. He leaned over and kissed her then, but he managed to ward her off when she tried to get sexy. "If you don't stop this, Adrian, you'll have triplets."

"Now there's a thought," but she sobered - quickly when she contemplated the delivery.

"I bet that must hurt."

"See, be grateful you only having one." There was a long silence in the dark, and then she whispered to him again.

"What if it's twins and they don't know it?"

"Believe me, nowadays they'd know it."

She was worried about everything, and she seemed to make a dozen trips into the nursery every night, checking things out, folding undershirts, looking at tiny little bonnets and booties and nightgowns. It touched him to see her like that, and more than once, it made him think of what a jerk Steven was for giving all that up. It meant so much to Bill, and absolutely nothing to Steven.

Bill had wallpapered the room for her, in a white paper with little pink and blue stars and a pretty pink-and-blue-rainbow border. He had put the four-poster bed away, in a storage locker he had in the basement, and they had bought nursery furniture together at the beginning of December. Everything was ready finally the week before Christmas. And they'd bought a Christmas tree, and decorated it with old-fashioned ornaments and cranberries and popcorn.

"I wish the boys could see this," he said proudly. It was a beautiful little tree, and the apartment looked pretty and festive. The boys had gone skiing in Vermont, and Adrian and Bill had talked to them several times before they left. But it wouldn't be the same for him, having Christmas without them. They were coming out in February, for their spring break, and that was going to work out perfectly. If the baby came on time, it would be three weeks old by then, and Adrian would be more or less recovered, except for the sleepless nights. She had decided to nurse the baby, and they were going to leave the baby in a basket next to their bed, so she wouldn't have to get up every time the baby was hungry.

She took a day off to finish her Christmas shopping, and for them it was going to be a double holiday. On the first of January, Bill was going to turn forty. She had bought him a beautiful gold watch at Carrier on Rodeo Drive. It had cost her a fortune but it was worth it.

It was something he would wear for the rest of his life, and it was designed according to one that had been made for a sultan in the 1920s, and was appropriately called "The Pasha." And she knew he would love it.

And for Christmas she had bought him a tiny portable telephone that folded into a case the size of a razor. It was the perfect gadget for him, since he liked to be accessible to the show all the time, and they were always panicking trying to reach him. She had bought him other things, too, a new sweater, some cologne, a book he'd been admiring about old movies, and a tiny, tiny television he could watch in his bathroom, or even while he drove the woody, if he had to go somewhere but wanted to keep an eye on the show. She'd had a wonderful time shopping for him, and they had bought new skis and boots for the boys, and shipped them east well before Christmas. It was going to be the first time Tommy had his own equipment, but they were both outstanding skiers. And she had sent them each a gift just from her, beautiful ski parkas, and an electronic game for each.

They could play them in the car next summer when they all went on their big vacation. But this time they had already decided to go to Hawaii for a month and rent a condo there, they were all feeling a lot less enthused about another camping trip at Lake Tahoe.

It was three days before Christmas when Adrian was wrapping everything.

She wanted to get it done before Bill came home. They were going to the annual Christmas party at his show, and she wanted to hide all his presents. She had put most of them in the baby's crib, with the comforter over them, and she was smiling to herself as she wrapped the tiny telephone. She knew he was going to love it, and he hadn't wanted to be extravagant and buy it for himself. It was nice being able to spoil him. And when she was finished, she went to get the mail, and she was startled when she saw the envelope from City Hall.

She opened it without thinking, and gasped when she saw the papers.

On the twenty-first of December, her divorce had become final. She was no longer married to Steven, and although he could not remove it from her, he had stated a preference that she no longer use his surname.

And the papers terminating his parental rights to their unborn child were included. Legally, the baby was no longer his. It was Adrian's, period. The baby had no legal father. And his name would not be on the birth certificate, as the lawyer had explained to her the previous summer. She sat staring at the papers for a long time, and tears slowly filled her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks. It was silly to get so upset at this late date, she told herself. It was no surprise.

She had expected it. And yet it hurt anyway. It was the ultimate, final rejection. A marriage that had begun with hope and love had ended with total rejection. He had rejected everything about her, even her baby.

She quietly put the papers away in her drawer in Bill's desk. He had graciously shared everything he had, his heart, his space, his apartment, his life, his bed, and he was even willing to take on her baby. It was amazing how different the two men were, how opposite in every way, and yet she was still sad about Steven, and she still wished that he could have brought himself to care about the baby.

Bill came home while she was getting dressed, and as usual he sensed that something had happened. He thought she was scared about the baby again, and lately she had been on a rampage of anxiety, worrying if the baby would be normal. They had told her in the Lamaze class that all of these concerns were normal, that there was no need to feel it was a
premonition of something truly awful.

"Are you having contractions again?" he asked, sensing she was upset about something.

"No, I'm okay." And then she decided not to beat around the bush. She never did with him. He knew her too well
anyway. "My divorce papers came today. And the termination of parental rights. It's all official."

"I could say congratulations, but I won't."

He looked at her carefully. "I know what that feels like. Even when you expect it, it's kind of a shock." He put gentle arms around her and kissed her and tears filled her eyes again.

"I'm sorry, baby. That's not nice for you at a time like this. But one day, it'll just be a memory and it will no longer matter."

"I hope so. I felt so lousy when I got them. I don't know - - - it was like flunking out of school, like really knowing you'd blown it."

"You didn't blow it. He did," he reminded her, but she sat down on the bed and sniffed.

"I still feel like I did something wrong z . - I mean - - - for him not to want the baby, I must have really handled it badly."

"From what you've told me, I don't think it could ever have been any different. If there was any humanity to the man, he'd have come around by now," and he didn't need to remind her that Steven hadn't. He hadn't even been willing to acknowledge her when they met in the restaurant in October. What kind of man would do that? A real son of a bitch, and a selfish one, was Bill's unspoken answer. "You just have to put it behind you."

She nodded, and she knew he was right, but it was hard anyway. And she was quiet that night at his office Christmas party. Everyone was in high spirits and more than a little drunk, and suddenly she felt fat and uncomfortable and depressed and ugly. She had a lousy time, and Bill left early to take her home. He could see that she wasn't having fun, and the others wouldn't really miss him.

They'd understand. And even if they didn't, Adrian was his first concern. She was having contractions again when they went to bed, and for once she didn't feel the least bit interested in making love to him.

"Now I know you're really depressed," he teased her. "It might even be terminal. Should I call the doctor?" He was playing at being concerned and he made her laugh, but she still looked sad as they lay in his bed. The baby's basket, covered in white lace, was already standing in the corner at the ready. Her due date was only two and a half weeks away,
and she was still very nervous about it. So far, the Lamaze class hadn't reassured her, even though the information was abundant and useful. But the realities of childbirth still terrified her. But she wasn't even thinking about that tonight, she was just thinking about Steven and their divorce, and the fact that the baby had no father.

"I have an idea," he smiled. "It's a little unusual, but not totally inappropriate. Let's get married on Christmas. That gives us three days to get the blood test and the license. I think that's what it takes. That and about ten dollars. I might even be able to scrape up the money." He was looking at her tenderly, and although he was joking, he was serious about the proposal.

"That's not right," she said sadly.

"What, about the ten dollars?" He was still trying to keep it light.

"Okay, if it's more, I'll scrape it up somehow."

"No, I'm serious, Bill. It's not right for you to marry me out of pity. You deserve more than that, and so do Adam and Tommy."

"Oh, for God's sake." He lay back in their bed and groaned. "Do me a favor, don't rescue me from myself. I'm a big boy and I know what I'm doing, and I happen to love you."

"I love you too," she said mournfully. "But it's not fair."

"To whom?"

"You, or Steven, or the baby."

"Would you mind explaining to me by what deviated, neurotic route you came to that conclusion?" Sometimes she exasperated him, especially lately. She worried about so many things, and she felt so obligated to be fair to everyone - - - him . - - and the baby and even rotten Steven.

"I'm not going to let you marry me under duress, feeling that you owe me something, or have an obligation to help me out, or that the baby ought to have a father. When you get married, it should be because you want to, not because you have to, or think you owe it to someone."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're nuts? Sexy - . - beautiful great legs - - but definitely nuts. I am not asking you to marry me because I feel an obligation. I happen to be madly in love with you, and have been for six months, or hadn't you noticed? Remember me, I'm the guy you've been living with since last summer, the guy whose kid you saved, and whose kids, plural, think you walk on water."

She looked pleased by what he said, but she still shook her head.

"It's still not right."

"Why not?"

"It's not fair to the baby."

He looked at her almost harshly then. He had heard this argument before and he didn't like it. "Or are you really saying it's not fair to Steven?"

She hesitated for a moment and then nodded. She felt an obligation to save him from himself too. "He doesn't know what he's giving up. He has to have a chance to understand that decision, to think it out clearly, after the baby's born, before I move on and shut him out forever."

"The law doesn't seem to agree with you. They approved those papers, Adrian. He no longer has any claim to that baby."

"Legally, you're right. But morally? Can you really say that?"

"Christ, I don't know what I can say anymore." He got out of bed and paced the room, glancing at her, and almost tripping over the little white basket. "I know one thing. I've stuck my neck way out for you z . - and my heart - . - and my guts and whatever else you want. And I've done it because I love you, and the baby. I don't need to wait to see it, or check it out, to decide if it's cute or not, or take my emotional temperature the day it's born. It is and you are and I am,
and we are exactly what I've always wanted. I'm telling you that I want to marry you, for better or worse, in sickness or in health, forever. That's all I want, just the two of you. And for the last seven years I've been too damn scared to offer that to anyone. I've been too scared even to let myself think it.

Because, as I told you before, I never wanted to care that much again, or have a woman walk out on me and take my children. This baby isn't mine, it's his, as you keep pointing out to me, but I love it as though it were mine, and I don't want to lose it. I don't want to play games with you. I don't want to sit here waiting until he comes back, and takes back everything I've come to love. I don't think he will anyway, and I've told you that before too. But I'm also not going to sit here with my door open forever, waiting for him to come to his senses, or get bored with the bimbos in his life, and come back to you and the baby. As far as I'm concerned, Adrian, he can't have you. But if he does want you, and you want him, you'd both better make up your minds quick. I want to get on with our life, I want to marry you, I want to adopt that baby you've been carrying around in you for nine months while I feel it kicking. I'm not going to sit here with my heart and
my guts wide-open forever. So if you want to talk about fair, let's talk about it. What's fair? How long is fair? Just how long am I expected to be 'fair' to Steven?"

"I don't know." She was impressed by everything he'd said. And she loved him more than ever. She wanted to go to him now, but she still felt she had to wait. But he was right too. It wasn't fair to expect him to wait forever.

"What sounds fair to you? A week? A month? A year? Do you want to give him a month after the baby's born, and just make sure via his attorneys that he still doesn't want any contact with the child? Does that sound reasonable?" He was trying to be fair, too, but she was driving him crazy.

"I'm not going to go back to him," she explained. There was no longer any doubt in her mind. But sometimes Bill wasn't as sure.

He still worried about it when she talked about being fair to him. And women were odd sometimes about the men who had fathered their children, they gave them more understanding, more leeway. It wasn't that way with men, who could never be entirely sure who their children were.

But women could. They knew. And he wondered if in some ways, she would feel bound to Steven forever through their baby. He hoped not.

But she couldn't answer that yet either. "It's just the baby, Bill . - it's just - "

"I know - - - I know - - - I understand - - - you just scare me sometimes." He sat down next to her on the bed and there were tears in his eyes now too. "I love you."

"I love you too," she said softly as he kissed her.

"Shall we give it a month then? A month after the baby's born. We contact the bastard after the baby comes, we give him a month to change his mind, and after that we forget him forever? Is that a deal?"

She nodded somberly. It sounded reasonable to her, and it was more than Steven deserved. He had signed the termination papers after all termination - - - dissolution - it sounded almost like a murder, and in some ways it had been. In some ways what he had done to her had almost killed her. But on the other hand, Bill had saved her. And for that
she would be eternally grateful. In truth, she owed Bill far more.

And yet - - - Steven had been her husband. It was all so damn confusing. To whom did she owe the greatest loyalties? To whom did she owe the most? To Bill because he'd been there for her - - - and yet - - - she hated herself for feeling torn, but she did. In her heart, there was only one.

But in her mind, there were always two. And that was the problem. But they had agreed on a month after the baby was born. And that - seemed fair to her too. And after that, the door would be closed to Steven forever. For her, and the baby. He didn't even know it, but she was giving him a gift of time and choice that he hadn't even wanted. "And then you'll marry me?" Bill pressed her, and she nodded with a shy smile. "Are you sure?" She nodded again, and then looked down demurely and spoke in a whisper.

"I have a confession to make first."

"Oh, shit. Now what?" He was at his wits end. It had been a long night and he was tired. "I lied to you." He was getting worried as she went on, barely able to look at him.

"About what?"

He could hardly hear the words as she confessed. "I'm not really a virgin."

There was a long silence, and he scowled at her with a look of immense relief as she suppressed a giggle. "Slut!" he growled at her, and then, in spite of himself and the remorse he knew he would feel afterward, he made love to her again, and when it was over, they slept peacefully in each other's arms until morning.

CHAPTER 22.



ADRIAN HAD THE DAY OFF ON CHRISTMAS Day, and they stayed in bed for a long time, dozing and snuggling and then the phone rang at nine-fifteen. It was Adam and Tommy, calling from Stowe, where they were skiing with their mother. They were both excited and full of life, and after they hung up, Adrian smiled and wished Bill a merry Christmas. They both leapt out of bed, and went to their respective hiding places and came back with their arms laden with brightly wrapped
presents. His were all wrapped by stores, and hers were wrapped the way she cooked. But he loved everything she gave him. He was crazy about the television and the phone, and he put the sweater on under a red leather baseball jacket she had bought him just two days before when she was walking down Melrosez. And she loved her presents too. He had
bought her a beautiful green suede dress from Giorgio, for after the baby, and a Hermes bag, the black alligator "Kelly" one she had coveted every time they walked past there.

And books, and a pair of funny pink shoes with watermelons on them, and three beautiful nightgowns and a robe for when she had the baby. And he had bought her all kinds of silly little trinkets, a gold key chain, and an antique pen, and a Mickey Mouse watch that she loved, and a book of poetry that said everything she felt for him. She was crying by the time she had finished opening all of it, and he looked immensely pleased by her reaction. And then he disappeared again, and returned with a small box wrapped in turquoise paper and white satin ribbon.

"Oh, no, not more!" She hid her face in the black leather gloves he had bought her at Gucci. They had little red bows on them and she loved them. "Bill, you can't!"

"You're right." He grinned. "I won't, and I didn't. But just for the hell of it, why don't you open this one?" But as she looked at it, she was afraid to. Instinct told her that this one was a biggie. "Go on don't be so chicken. - - -" With trembling fingers, she opened it, and found first a cardboard box in the same blue as the paper with Tiffany written across it. And then, a heavy black suede box within it. And slowly, slowly, she opened it, and gasped. It was a diamond band, made of baguettes, and she sat staring at it in wonder. "Go on, silly." He took it from her gently. "Put it on - - - if it fits - -" He knew that her hands were slightly swollen, and he had guessed at her ring size.

But when he slipped it on for her, it fit perfectly.

"Oh, my God - - - oh, Bill - - -" She sat looking at him in disbelief, as tears rolled down her cheeks. "It's so beautiful, but - -. " She had already told him the other day that she wasn't ready yet to get married. And it was a very handsome wedding ring, the kind a few lucky women get after twenty years of marriage. But his show had just won yet another award, and she knew that although he was discreet about it, it was making a fortune, so he could afford it.

"I thought you should look respectable when you go to the hospital. So it's actually an engagement ring, but I thought it was prettier than a big rock, and this way," he said shyly as he looked at her, "it'll look kind of married. I'll get you a plain gold one if you want when we get married." It was beautiful, and she loved it. And she loved him even more. He was incredible. And as she looked at the ring on her left hand, she was dazzled.

She had taken her gold wedding ring off finally, two months before, because it had gotten too small for her as her hands swelled, and in spite of her condition, it no longer seemed appropriate to wear it.

"My God, Bill, this is gorgeous!"

"Do you really like it?" He looked so pleased and she was so touched by everything he had done for her.

"Are you kidding? Like it! I love it!" She grinned and lay back in their bed again, displaying the ring with a broad smile, and noticing that it had a huge amount of sparkle.

"I'm going to impress the hell out of the nurses when I have the baby."

"Funny." He squinted at her. "You don't look engaged." He patted her stomach then, and felt the baby kick him. "It must be a girl," he said happily. "Why?" She was still looking at her ring.

She couldn't believe it. "She stamps her feet all the time," he said matter-of-factly.

"Maybe she wants a ring like her mother's." She smiled and leaned over to kiss him, doubly glad that she had bought the beautiful Cartier watch for him that she was going to give him on New Year's Day for his birthday.

It had eaten a sizable piece of her profits from the sale of the condo, but she thought it was worth it. And she was saving the rest of the money for the baby. Bill had already told her that he wanted to pay her hospital bill, and she had insisted that she wouldn't let him.

"You're sure you don't want to reconsider and get married right away?" he asked hopefully, still trying to persuade her. If nothing else, it would mean putting his name on the baby's birth certificate, which seemed a lot nicer than the "father unknown" that was her only choice now, or just to leave it blank, as the attorney had suggested. But if she and Bill got married, they could always have it adjusted and add his name later.

But she looked sad as she looked at Bill, not wanting to hurt him. "I still think we should wait." They had agreed on February, as an outside date, if all went well, and Steven didn't pose a problem by altering everything, and changing his mind about the baby. It was a period of grace Bill still felt strongly he didn't deserve. But she still seemed to think he would come flying through the delivery room doors the moment she had the baby.

And somehow, Bill felt sure she would come to her senses and be more realistic after she had the baby. Right now, she still seemed to need the fantasy that one day Steven would have regrets about the baby.

Maybe it was her way of protecting herself from the sad reality that Steven didn't care about her or the baby.

They spent a quiet afternoon, and he cooked dinner for them that night, a turkey that he worked on all afternoon, as she relaxed on the couch, and took a nap, still wearing the beautiful ring he had given her that morning.

And Zelda commented on it when she went to work the next day. It was impossible to miss it, and the redhead's eyes flew wide-open when she saw it.

"Wow! Did you get married over the weekend?"

"Nope." Adrian smiled mysteriously. "Engaged," she said, and laughed to herself. She seemed awfully pregnant to be contemplating a mere engagement.

"That's quite a ring," Zelda said admiringly.

"He's quite a guy," Adrian added, and went back to see one of the editors in the newsroom.

She spent the rest of the week trying to tie up loose ends, and trying to explain all of her projects to Zelda. She was going to be leaving in two weeks and it seemed like an impossible task to get everything wrapped up before she left. And halfway through the week someone contacted her from Bill's show, and told her they were planning a surprise party for his fortieth birthday. They wanted her collaboration in getting him there, and she was happy and excited for him. His actual birthday was on New Year's Day, and they were going to have the party that afternoon, right on the set, with a band, and past and present members of the cast, and as many of his friends as they could contact. And Adrian thought it sounded great. She could hardly contain herself on New Year's Eve, keeping the secret.

They had dinner with friends on New Year's Eve, it was a small party that a writer he knew was giving at Chasen's, and afterward as they drove home, Adrian was very sleepy. Bill had had a fair amount to drink, but he wasn't drunk, and it was just after midnight when they got home, and he climbed into bed as soon as he was undressed, and was almost asleep when she got in beside him.

"Happy New Year," she whispered, and he smiled. "Happy birthday too!"

She was thinking about the party the next day, but he was already asleep before she'd finished the words, and as she looked down at him, she leaned over and kissed him. He was so sweet, and so good to her, and she loved him so much. She lay there, awake for a while, tired, but no longer as sleepy as she had been an hour before, and then suddenly as she lay there, she felt a sharp kick, and then a tightening of everything from her chest to her thighs, so much so that she could
hardly breathe, but it didn't really hurt her. It was another practice round, she figured. She was almost used to the warm-up contractions now. They happened mostly on busy days, or when she was very tired, and she didn't really mind them. She lay there, thinking peacefully for a little while, and she felt another tightening, and then another.

And she decided to try one of his tricks, without bothering him. She went and helped herself to half a glass of wine, and took a sip. But this time it didn't stop them. By three o'clock, the contractions were coming regularly, but she still didn't believe they were for real, so she turned the light off and tried to go to sleep, but every time she had one it woke her up, so finally after turning from side to side, Bill stirred and asked her what was the matter. "Nothing," she grumbled. "It's those stupid contractions."

He opened one eye in the dark and looked at her lying next to him.

"Does it feel like the real thing?"

"No" They were making her uncomfortable, but she knew that was only because she was tired, and she was certain that she wasn't in labor.

The baby wasn't due for another two weeks, and there was no reason for it to come early. She had seen the doctor only the day before, and she had seen nothing unexpected either, even though she had pointed out that technically, the baby was now full term, and could come anytime from now on, and until two weeks after her due date.

"How long have you had them?" Bill murmured as he turned away on his side again. "I don't know - - - three or four hours." It was almost three-thirty.

"Take a hot bath." That was another of his magic recipes, but that one worked too. She had tried it several times when she had contractions, and it always stopped them. And the doctor had told them that when it was the real thing, nothing would stop it, not wine or hot baths, or standing on her head. When the baby wanted to come, it would. And she hated to get out of bed and take a bath now just to stop the contractions. "Go on," Bill nudged her, "try it, so you can get to sleep."

She padded into the bathroom shortly after that, and he smiled as he watched her waddle, and then dozed off as he listened to her run the tub, and it seemed like hours later when he heard her next to him again, but all of a sudden he felt her stiffen and make a strange noise. It woke him instantly and he looked at her, her face looked tense and her whole body went rigid when she clutched him.

"Baby, are you okay?" He looked worried as he watched her face and saw beads of perspiration on her forehead as soon as he switched on the light. The bath had definitely not stopped the contractions. And then he smiled as her body relaxed, and there was fear in her eyes. He took her hand in his and kissed her fingers. "I think our little friend wants to celebrate New Year's with us. What do you think, sweetheart? Shall I call the doctor?" But it was obvious to him that she was in
labor.

"No - - -" She squeezed his hand again.

"I'm okay - . - really - - - oh, no!" She shouted suddenly. "No, I'm not - - - oh, Bill!" She grabbed his hand and squeezed hard, forgetting everything they had taught her about breathing. But he reminded her and she panted her way through it. But it was abundantly clear to him that they didn't have time to waste. She was suddenly in a lot of pain, and it was time to go to the hospital. He helped her sit up, and she caught her breath, and went to her closet with a dazed look. She was tired and scared, and she was starting to tremble. And a minute later she came out of her closet again with a look of panic.

He ran to her instantly, and helped her into a chair, but she couldn't speak now when she had a contraction. And as she sat there, gasping for air, she remembered the agony of the woman in the movie- But it seemed even worse than that. She couldn't catch her breath, and suddenly the pains were coming one on top of the other.

"Don't move - - - stay calm - - . keep breathing - - -" He was talking to himself as much as to her, as he ran and got a big loose dress out of her closet. He helped her off with her nightgown, slipped the dress over her head, and found an old pair of loafers.

"I can't go looking like this," she said between pains. He had pulled her worst dress out of the closet.

"Never mind, you look gorgeous." He pulled on jeans, a sweater over his head, and slipped into a pair of Docksiders that were under the bed, and kept an eye on her while he called the doctor. She promised to meet them at the hospital within half an hour, and he slowly helped Adrian out of the chair, but before they'd crossed the room she had a blinding contraction. He was beginning to wonder if he should call an ambulance, or if they'd waited too long, but he was determined that she not get her wish to have the baby at home, and he tried to encourage her to walk out with him as soon as the contraction was over. He had her hospital bag in his hand, and they almost made it to the front door before she had another one. They were making slow progress, and she started to cry almost the minute this one started. "It's all right, sweetheart - - - it's all right. We'll get you to the hospital in a few minutes and you'll feel better."

"No, I won't," she cried, clinging to him for dear life. "Oh, Bill this is awful - "I know, baby, I know, but it'll be over soon, and we'll have a beautiful baby." She smiled up at him through her tears and tried to breathe through the pain, but it wasn't easy. He was right, though, it worked, to a point, but she was rapidly getting to the point when she couldn't do it. It seemed to take hours to get back to where he had left the car, but he finally got her into the woody and threw her bag onto the backseat. And then he drove as fast as he could to the hospital, hoping that he'd be followed by the highway patrol.

For once, he wouldn't have minded being stopped. He was hoping for a police escort, in case she actually had the baby. But she didn't and no one came, and he drove into the emergency entrance and honked, praying that someone would come to help him. An attendant appeared a moment later, as Adrian gripped him, unable to breathe through the contraction. They helped her into a wheelchair, and she was whimpering as they rolled her in at full speed with Bill running along beside her.

"I can't - - - Bill - - - oh - - -" She was hardly able to speak anymore, and he saw that she was trembling violently, and threw his jacket over her as he tried to keep her distracted.

"Yes, you can - - - come on - - - you're doing fine - - - good - - good - - - it's almost over." They were just words, but to her, they were all she had to cling to. He knew that once they were in a labor room, she would be attached to a monitor and they would be able to see exactly how ferocious the contractions were, and how long they were lasting, when they reached their peak, and when they were diminishing so he could tell her a contraction was almost over. But they had none
of that now, and all she had was the pain and a sense of terror that it was going to get worse and she would totally lose control. She was starting to think that she was going to die, and she snapped at Bill when he tried to help her out of the wheelchair. The doctor was already there, waiting for them, and she helped Adrian into bed, along with a cheerful young nurse, whom Adrian took an immediate dislike to.

She was definitely not at her best, and she started to get hysterical when they took off her dress and tried to get the tight belt of the monitor on as another contraction ripped through her.

"Hang in, Adrian - - - this'll just take a minute," the doctor said, assisting the nurse with expert hands while Bill tried to keep Adrianbreathing. She was having a rough time, and she suddenly looked at them, startled.

"It's coming out!" She was horrified as she looked frantically from Bill to the doctor.

"It's coming - . - the baby is coming!"

"No, it isn't" The doctor tried to force her to calm down, and told her to pant, while Bill tried to remind her how, but she was screaming and she kept insisting that the baby was coming. "Don't push." The doctor was almost shouting at her now, and suddenly two more nurses appeared in the room, and the doctor frowned as she looked at the monitor and then spoke to Bill as she washed her hands at the sink in the room. "She's having enormous contractions - - - and long ones she may be farther along than we think." She spoke quietly and Adrian was screaming.

"It's coming - - - it's coming - - -" She was crying incoherently and Bill wanted to cry too. He couldn't stand seeing her in pain, and it got worse as the doctor examined her.

She felt as though there was a searing pain shoving its way right through her, and the doctor nodded with satisfaction.

"It's almost time to push, Adrian just a few more contractions."

"No!" she screamed, and then struggled to sit up, fighting the monitor until she dislodged it from her swollen middle. "I won't! I can't do this!"

"Yes, you can," the doctor said again, as Bill tried unsuccessfully to soothe her. It made him feel sick to watch her in pain, and she was writhing in the bed as the doctor conferred with the nurses. It was much worse than the training film and Bill wanted to ask them why they didn't give her something for the pain, but the doctor interrupted him when he tried to ask her. "Would you like to have your baby right here, Adrian? You're going to have your baby very soon. I can see its head
now. That's it - - - come on you can start pushing." Adrian gave a hideous scream, and she looked at Bill as though begging him to save her. One of the nurses attached handles to the bed, and another fixed stirrups at the other end, and suddenly everything was draped in blue paper, and they had handed Bill a shower cap and a green gown, and the entire room was transformed, as he held Adrian's shoulders.

"That's it - - - come on - - - push the baby out of there!" the doctor urged her on, and Adrian continued to insist that she couldn't.

Her whole being seemed to be controlled by pain and Bill wanted to beg them to give her something for it. And she screamed every time she pushed as he held her and cried. But no one noticed his tears. Adrian was crying too. They both were, and then suddenly as she fell back again, and then sat up and pushed again, there was a long, reedy wail, and Bill looked up in amazement. He looked at Adrian and she was smiling through her tears and then she was screaming again as she pushed the baby out, and fell back against the pillows exhausted.

"It's a boy!" the doctor said, and Adrian and Bill were both crying and laughing, and he looked at the tiny being who was looking at them with big startled eyes and a tiny nose just like his mother's.

She was straining to see him, too, and then she gave an awful moan as the doctor delivered the placenta.

"He's so beautiful," Bill said in a hoarse voice, "and so are you." He leaned down and kissed her and she turned to him with a look that they would never share again, a look and a feeling that was born only of this moment, but that they would both remember forever.

"Is he okay?" she asked weakly.

"He's perfect," the doctor announced, doing a little sewing on Adrian.

They had just given her a local, but she hadn't even noticed.

And the pediatric resident had just arrived to check out the baby. But the baby looked finer. He weighed eight pounds and fourteen ounces, a healthy size, and Bill kept saying that the baby looked just like his mother, but she thought he looked like Bill, which didn't make any sense, but Bill didn't want to say that.

He helped take the baby to the nursery while they cleaned her up, and he was back again half an hour later. It was only five-fifteen. For a first baby, he had come remarkably quickly. They'd only been in the hospital since four-thirty. But to Adrian for those last few moments, it had seemed endless.

"I'm so sorry it was so hard for you," he whispered as he leaned over her, marveling at how different she looked than only moments before.

Her hair was combed, her face and body washed, and she had even put on lipstick. She was a totally different person than the woman who had been hysterical and screaming in anguish.

"It wasn't that hard," she said quietly, and it was odd, as he looked at her, she seemed suddenly more grown-up now. It was as though in a moment, she had become more of a woman. And before that, she had been a girl. In some ways, she was right, she really had been a virgin.

"It really wasn't that bad," she said happily. "I'd do it again. . ."

She smiled and he started to laugh. She was saying exactly what he had predicted. "Is he okay?"

"He's wonderful. They're making him all clean and pretty for you, and then they're going to bring him back." And a few minutes later, a nurse came back with the baby, all clean and smelling sweet, wrapped tightly in swaddling clothes and a blanket. He opened his eyes when the nurse handed him to her, and Bill and Adrian looked down at him in wonder. He was perfect in every way, and a miracle beyond anything Adrian had ever dreamed of. It reminded Bill of Adam and Tommy in some ways, but this had been different too. Different, and very special.

He felt much closer to her suddenly, even closer than he had before, as though they shared one soul, one mind, one heart . . . and one baby. As though the three of them shared a single heartbeat. And the baby opened his eyes and stared at them, as though trying to remember if he knew them.

Adrian started to cry again, but they were tears of joy. Everything about this little person had been worth it. He was worth all the pain, the confusion, the anxiety she'd been through. He was even worth the loss of her marriage to Steven, and she was now suddenly doubly glad that she hadn't let Steven force her to abort him. It was a hideous thought, as Bill helped her unwrap him a little and put him to her breast. He took to it at once, as Bill felt tears fill his eyes as he watched them. It was all so simple, so easy, so much what life had been intended for. Two people who loved each other and the children who entered their lives like tiny blessings.

"What'll we call him?" she whispered to Bill.

"I keep thinking Thigpen would be nice. It's a hell of a name, though."

"I happen to like it," she said tenderly. She would never forget what he had done for her, how he had been there from the beginning to the end, and she knew she couldn't have gotten through it without him. The medical team seemed much less important. "I'm having the next one at home," she announced then, and Bill groaned.

"Please . . . could I just catch my breath? It isn't even six o'clock in the morning." But he was happy to hear her talk about "the next one." And as she smiled at him, she realized it was New Year's Day, and it was his birthday.

"Happy birthday." She leaned forward and kissed him as the baby watched them. He made little snuffling noises now and then, but he seemed perfectly at ease between them.

"That's quite a gift!" It had been a beautiful way to turn forty, a reminder of how precious life was, how simple and rare. The gift of a baby from the woman he loved. It was perfect. "What do you think about Teddy, by the way?"

She thought about it for a minute and then countered. "How about Sam?"

He nodded, looking down at him. He was a beautiful child, and the name seemed to suit him. "I love it. Sam Thigpen." And then he looked at her, not wanting to ask any questions. Was it to be Sam Thigpen, or Sam Townsend, or her maiden name, Sam Thompson? But it was much too soon to ask her.

Bill stayed with her until eight a.m and then he went home to shower and clean up and have breakfast. He promised to be back no later than noon, and told her to get some sleep too. And when he left, tiptoeing softly out of the room, he turned back once, and watched them, the baby sleeping in the mother's arms, the two of them so peaceful and so loved, and for the first time in a long time, he was completely fulfilled and at peace, and totally happy.

CHAPTER 23.



ADRIAN WOKE UP AGAIN ABOUT AN HOUR after Bill had left. The baby was still asleep, but the nurses came in to check how she was doing. She was doing fine and she was still having small contractions. But everything appeared to be okay, and she lay quietly for a long time, thinking, after they left her. There were two calls she had to make, and this seemed as good a time to make them as any.

She felt almost electrically charged, as she lay looking at her sleeping baby. It was the most exciting day of her life, the happiest moment, and in some ways, she wanted to share it.

She called Connecticut first, and the call was difficult, but the good news made it a little better.

"Why didn't you tell me?" her mother asked, shocked by the news that she had a new grandchild when she had never even known Adrian was pregnant. "Isn't he normal?" It was the only reason she could think of for Adrian having not told her. But it was typical of the kind of relationship Adrian had had in recent years with her parents. Ever since she'd married Steven. And her parents made no bones about the fact that they didn't like him. They had been right, perhaps, but it had permanently marked their relationship with their daughter.

"I'm sorry, Mom. Things were kind of a mess out here. Steven left in June. And . . I just thought he'd come back and I didn't want to tell you about the baby till he did I guess that was pretty dumb."

"I guess so." There was a long silence. "Is he paying you alimony?"

It struck her odd that that was all they thought of.

"No, I didn't want any."

"Is he going to fight you for custody of the baby?"

"No." She decided to spare them the details of that, and she also decided not to tell them about Bill, or her mother might think that she was having an affair and that was why Steven had left her. There was plenty of time to give her the details later. Adrian had just wanted to tell her about the baby.

"How long will you be in the hospital?"

Her mother was so painfully matter-of-fact, it was difficult to feel close to her, even now that Adrian had just become a mother.

"Maybe till tomorrow." She wasn't sure.

"Or a couple of days. I don't really know yet."

"I'll call you when you get home. Do you still have the same number?"

It told its own tale that she even had to ask, but as seldom as it was, it was usually Adrian who called her.

"Yes." She'd had her phone installed at Bill's when she gave up her condo. It had been easier to do that at the time than make explanations. "I'll call you, Mom."

"Okay, and. - - congratulations. - -" Her mother still sounded as though she didn't know what to make of it, and her father had been out.

It had saddened her to call them somehow, but at least she had done her duty.

And the next call was even harder. Her attorney had gotten Steven's number inadvertently, but he had suggested to Adrian that she try not to use it. She got her address book out of her bag, and holding the baby in her left arm, she dialed the number. And as she did, she looked down at Sam. He was so beautiful and so sweet and so peaceful.

He was everything she had wanted him to be, and more. He was four hours old, and already she felt as though she had always known him.

"Hello!" It was a familiar voice on the phone, but she hadn't heard it in months, and suddenly she felt awkward when she heard him.

"Hello - . . Steven - . . I . - - it's Adrian. I'm sorry to call you." There was a long silence while he said nothing at all. He couldn't imagine why she'd called him or how she had gotten his unlisted number.

"Why are you calling me?" He acted as though she had no right even to speak to him, and she felt her hand shake as she listened.

"I thought you had a right to know the baby was born this morning. It's a little boy, and he weighed eight pounds fourteen ounces." She suddenly felt even more stupid for calling while there was an even longer silence. "I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have called - - . I just thought - " And then, finally, a voice. "Is he normal?"

It was the same thing her mother had asked, and somehow the question seemed offensive.

"Yes, he's fine," she said quietly. "He's really beautiful."

And then, hesitantly, "Are you all right? Was it awful?" He sounded almost like the man she had once known as he asked her.

"It was fine." There was no point explaining to him what it was like.

It had been much harder than she thought it would be, but even now it didn't seem so bad, now that she had Sam in her arms and it was over.

"It was worth it." And then, hesitantly, "I wanted to call - - - I just thought - . - I know you signed those papers, but I wanted to give you a chance to see him, if you want to." It was kinder than most women would have been, but Adrian had always been like that. "I don't expect you to, of course - - - I just thought I'd let you know, in case..." Her voice drifted off and his cut into hers.

"I'd like that." She looked stunned as she heard him. She had always planned to offer this opportunity to him, but she never really expected him to take it. "Where are you?"

"At Cedars-Sinai."

"I'll come over sometime this morning."

And then, in an odd, wistful voice, "Does he have a name?"

She nodded, as tears rolled down her cheeks. She hadn't expected this, and now it had upset her. She hadn't seen him since June, when he'd left her. And now, after all this time, he wanted to see his baby.

"His name is Sam." She spoke almost in a whisper.

"Give him a kiss from me. I'll see you later." She was even more shocked by what he'd just said. He sounded so different suddenly, so mellow, and now she was afraid of what would happen when he came to see her.

She lay thinking of it all morning as she held the baby close to her, and he never stirred as he slept on. And it was almost lunchtime when she heard the door open and saw Steven standing there, looking at her in gray slacks, a blue shirt, and a blazer. His hair was longer than it had been before, he had a tan, and he was more handsome than ever.

"Hello, Adrian, can I come in?" He stood looking at her, hesitating in the doorway, and she nodded as she tried not to cry when she saw him.

But her efforts were useless. The tears slid slowly down her cheeks as he walked toward her. Suddenly she remembered how much she had once loved him, what high hopes she had had, how confident she had been that their marriage was forever, and how heartbroken and desolate she had been when he left her.

He only saw her at first, as he advanced toward her slowly, carrying a large bunch of yellow roses, and then as he stood next to her, he saw the baby suddenly, wrapped in his little blue blanket, his tiny pink face like her own precious rosebud.

"Oh my God - - -" He stared down at him. "Is that him?"

She nodded, smiling through her tears at the silly question. "Isn't he beautiful?"

This time Steven nodded, and there were tears in his eyes as he looked first at the child that was his, and then the woman who had borne him.

"What a fool I was - - -', They were the exact words she had fantasized, but never really expected.

She nodded, crying openly, she couldn't disagree with him. But no one could have dissuaded him at the time, his own attorney had tried and gotten nowhere. "I think you were just very frightened."

"I know I was. I just couldn't imagine myself having children, and making the kind of sacrifices one has to make. I still can't imagine it," he said honestly. But he was overwhelmed by the sight of his baby. His child.

His creation.

"He's beautiful, isn't he?" he said quietly, staring down at him, as she watched, and then finally, Steven looked up at her, but his eyes were matter-of-fact, not tender. "It must have been hard for you these past months."

She nodded, not wanting to tell him about Bill. That was none of his business. "Where are you living?" It was odd that he should ask her now, after all this time, and she answered cryptically. All this time he had never cared where or how she was. And now he did, or did he?

"At the same address, across the complex."

He assumed that she must have bought something smaller with the money she had derived from their town house.

"That's nice." And then he stared down at his son, and gently touched the tiny fingers.

"He's so small - - -" And he was so perfect.

"He weighed almost nine pounds," she defended Sam, but Steven could only look at him in wonder. He saw no one he knew there, except maybe Adrian, but he looked like a person unto himself and Steven didn't really mind that. And then Adrian looked at him hesitantly, her hands still shaking from the shock of seeing him again. "Would you like to hold him?"

Steven looked terrified suddenly, and then he startled himself and her by nodding and holding his arms out. And Adrian gently handed the baby to him. The baby was his son, after all, and this was why she had called him. To see if he cared, to give him one last chance to reach out to the child he had rejected. She settled the baby in his arms and felt a sob catch in her throat as she watched him looking down at the sleeping infant in silent wonder. He sat in a chair next to the bed,
afraid to move, looking terrified, his arms still, as though he was afraid the baby might leap up and bite him. But he sat there, staring at him, and as she watched him the door opened, and Bill walked in, carrying a huge bouquet of flowers, two dozen heliumfilled balloons, and a huge blue bear that he set down awkwardly in the doorway. He started to walk into the room, as Steven bent over her and handed the baby back to her, and all Bill could see from where he stood was the cozy scene of the reunited threesome.

Adrian looked up at Bill with startled eyes, and Steven stood near her, as though he had never left her, and for the first time, the baby began to cry, as though he sensed that something terrible had just happened.

"Oh - - - I'm sorry - - - I see this isn't a good time," Bill said to the room at large, afraid to look at Adrian's eyes, for fear of what he might see there.

"That's all right," Adrian said awkwardly, "this is Steven Townsend, my - - -" And then she almost choked on the words, she had been about to say "my husband." And she saw Bill's face go pale and she wanted to beg him to stop it, to stop being hysterical and come in, and Steven would be leaving in a moment, but she found that she could say nothing, as Steven stared inhospitably at him, and Bill started to back out of the room without waiting for an explanation.

"I'll come back later."

"No - - - Bill - - - " But he was already gone, hurrying down the hall, feeling a rock in his throat, the same rock that had lodged there when Leslie had told him she wasn't moving to California. It was all happening to him again, the loss, the pain, the grief, the loneliness but this time he wasn't going to let it.

And in her hospital room, Adrian was looking distressed as Steven watched her.

"Who was that anyway?" Steven asked irritably. He had been visibly annoyed by the interruption.

"A friend," she said softly. She saw that Steven looked angry suddenly, but they both knew that he had no right to, and now he was looking down at her with a serious expression. He had been doing a lot of thinking since her phone call, and since seeing the baby.

"I owe you an apology," he said somberly, as Adrian agonized silently over what Bill must be feeling. She hadn't expected Steven to come so soon, and when he had offered to, she was glad to get it over with, so she and Bill could get on with the business of living.

She had promised herself she'd call him, but she had never expected this, or Bill to walk in on them. Suddenly everything was upside down, and she wasn't sure what to do with the crying baby. She rang for the nurse, who volunteered to take him to the nursery for a while, as Adrian turned to Steven with a look of anguish. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, Adrian."

And as he said it, she found herself remembering the night he had ignored her at Le Chardonnay when she was six months pregnant. "These last six months must have been very hard on you," he said, barely describing what she'd been through. And without Bill to take care of her, she didn't know how she would have survived it. "But they've been hard on me too." Adrian couldn't believe what she was hearing. She wasn't the one who had divorced him. And as she listened to him now
she realized that she was still angry at him for what he'd done. Angry and hurt and she wasn't sure she would ever forgive him. "You challenged me in a way that rocked me to my very core, in a way, it was a complete betrayal." He went on as Adrian stared at him. He was as selfish as ever. "But - - - for the sake of my son - - - our child . - I think in time, I might be willing to forgive you."

She stared at him with open eyes, unable to believe what she was hearing. He was willing to forgive her. "That's very kind of you," she said quietly, "and I appreciate it very much."

She almost choked on the words. "But Steven, you're not the only person who was hurt. And I'm sorry if you felt betrayed. But you abandoned me when I was pregnant. You completely shut me out. You took all our furniture, kicked me out of our home, divorced me, and gave up your rights to our baby. You wouldn't even speak to me when I called you." It was quite a list, but he seemed unimpressed as he continued.

"Be that as it may." He ignored everything she had just said. "I think for the child's sake, we should go back together."

"Are you serious?" She stared at him almost in horror. This was not what she had planned, no matter how fair she wanted to be to him. And he was even more insensitive than he had been, and like everything else in his life, the baby was an ego trip for him, and now that he had seen it, that it was okay, and a son, he was suddenly willing to consider
taking it on, after deserting them so completely. And this was the opportunity she had wanted to give him. But what she had expected, if anything, on his part, was genuine feeling for the baby. Not even anything for her, or if he did feel something, she would have expected some kind of tenderness and kindness. Some remorse, or regret, some vestige of decency and caring. But that was Bill she was thinking of, she suddenly realized.

This man had none of that inside him.

"I don't think you understand," she went on. "Steven, you gave everything up because you didn't give a damn about either of us. You deserted us. And the only reason why I called was on the off chance that you'd regret it. I wanted you to have a chance to see the baby. But you don't care about anyone. You have no feelings whatsoever about what you've done. The only one you care about is yourself, and you have the nerve to imagine yourself 'betrayed'. I'm not even convinced you care about the baby or ever could care. You're so wrapped up in yourself that you don't give a damn about me, or him. And I think you're impressed that you have a 'son, but that's it. Who is he to you? What does he mean? What are you prepared to give him?"

It was an important question, and Steven looked more than ever annoyed to be questioned.

"Shelter, food, an education, toys." He couldn't think of anything else and she shook her head. He hadn't made the grade.

He never would. And now she knew that. It was what she had had to see, and now she was glad that she'd called him.

"You forgot something very important."

Steven thought about it, but nothing came to mind as he looked from her to the child and back again. And he looked handsome, but he also looked empty.

"You forgot love. That means more than shelter, food, education, or anything. It means more than computers, tennis rackets, furniture, stereos, apartments, jobs. Love. It was the one thing I think you forgot entirely in our marriage. If you had loved me, you wouldn't have walked out on me and the baby."

"I loved you - . - but you didn't love me. You broke a solemn promise to me never to have children." And he meant it.

"I couldn't help it." She had no regrets.

"And I'm not sorry now."

"You should be," he said sorrowfully, "for the grief you caused me."

"The grief I caused you?" Adrian stared at him amazed, as he got up and walked around the room, glancing at the huge bear Bill had left just inside the doorway.

"The truth is, you betrayed me," he said again, "and if I'm willing to forgive you now, for the child's sake, you ought to be very grateful."

She couldn't believe her ears as she stared at him.

"Well, I'm not." She looked at him and said bluntly. And then she asked him the most fearful question. "Steven, do you love the baby? I mean really love him? Do you want him more than anything - - - want to spend your life making his life better?"

He looked at her mutely for a long time.

"I'm sure that I could learn to in time." But she saw as she looked at him that something inside him had died long since and she had never known it.

"And if you feel threatened by us again, then what? You walk out? Or you sell the apartment? Or you just file for termination?"

He had been cruel to her, and indirectly to his own child, and they both knew it, no matter what he said now about "betrayal."

"I can't make you promises for the future. I can just say I'll try. But I think you owe it to me to come back and give it a try." She owed it to him. How endearing. How tender.

"On what basis? Are you asking me to marry you again?" She wanted to clarify everything once and for all now. This was the confrontation she had longed for.

"No, I - - - I think we should try it. I think you should come back and try it for six months, for a year, while I see if - "

"If you like being a parent, is that it? And if you don't?"

"Then there's no harm done. The papers are already in place, we shake hands and wish each other well." It sounded like a business agreement.

"And Sam?" He was already real to her, a special, precious person.

"In that case, he's yours."

"How nice. And how do I explain it to him later on? You tried it out and didn't like him? No, you don't get to rent fatherhood, Steven, to try it on. You either do it or you don't, like marriage, like love, like real life. This is not one of your tennis games, where you get to sample different partners and pick the ones who play the worst, so you can massage your
ego." He looked furious at what she had just said, but it was all true, and he knew it.

"Then just exactly why did you call me? Wasn't that what you wanted from me? Or are you trying to find the best offer?" The new diamond ring on her finger hadn't gone unnoticed, nor had Bill with his many offerings abandoned in the doorway.

"I don't need your best offer anymore. But I wanted to be sure I gave you a last shot at your son, before you gave him away forever. I thought you deserved that. I thought there was always the off chance that you would regret it bitterly one day, and that you might fall in love with him when he was born. But you didn't. All you want is to try him out like a car on a rental plan, and you want me back to maintain him, because you're 'willing' to forgive me for my 'betrayal', as you call it. But the betrayal is not mine, but yours, and the baby is mine now." He looked nonplussed, and not overly distressed at what she had just said.

She wondered if he might even be relieved. But whatever he was, he hadn't changed. She knew that for sure now.

"You can tell him I offered to take you back and you refused, since you're so concerned with what you're going to tell him later."

"On a trial basis, Steven. That's nothing."

Suddenly, she realized that she was shouting, but she didn't care. It felt good to finally be shouting at him. "I want to love him unconditionally, through thick and thin, handsome or ugly, good moods or bad, in sickness and health, with every ounce of love I have to give him. That's what I want to give our baby."

There were tears in her eyes, and as she said the words, she realized that it was exactly what she wanted to give Bill, everything she had to give, forever.

"There is no such thing as unconditional love, except among fools," he said cynically.

"That's what I am then." It was what she had offered him once upon a time, and what he had walked out on.

"Good luck then." He stood looking at her for a long moment, and any feeling they had once had seemed to have dissipated between them. And then, a little more gently, "I'm sorry things didn't work out, Adrian."

But he didn't really seem sorry to be giving up his baby. For a brief moment, he had been intrigued with him, fascinated, but the moment was already over. The moment the nurse had taken the baby from the room, Steven seemed to forget him.

"I'm sorry too." She looked up at him, wondering who he really had been all the time she thought she knew him. "I'm sorry for you," she said quietly.

"Don't be." She felt free finally, looking at him, and she was doubly glad she had called him. He was honest with her, there was nothing for him to lose now. "I wasn't ready for this, Adrian. I suppose I never would be."

They were the most honest words he had ever said to her, no matter how intriguing the beauty of their newborn baby. But he just wasn't Bill, and she realized clearly now that she no longer loved Steven. She hadn't in months, not since Bill - . . or maybe ever since the baby, but she hadn't known it.

"I know." She nodded slowly at him, and then laid her head back against the pillows, it had been a long morning. "Thank you for coming." He touched her hand with his own, and then turned and walked out of the room without saying a word, and this time she knew that he was gone for good, and she was sorry, but she knew that she would never miss him. She lay in bed, thinking about Bill then, and desperately worried about what he'd thought when he saw her with Steven.

All she wanted was for him to come back again, and she would be able to explain it.

But as she thought of Bill, Steven walked down the hall with a long, solemn stride, and he stopped for a moment at the nursery, and saw their baby. A blue bundle in an acrylic bassinet, propped up so the nurses could see him better, and the little blue card on the basket read "Thompson, baby boy, 8 lbs. 14 oz. 5:15 a.m." He bore her maiden name as Steven had requested through the courts.

And as he looked at him, Steven waited to feel something he never had before, but he just didn't. He was beautiful, and he was so unbelievably small and vulnerable. He made you want to reach out and touch him. And he would never forget what it had been like to hold him, but he had been relieved when Adrian took him back, as he was now, knowing that the baby was Adrian's, not his. It was nice to know that he was someone else's.

Steven had thought about trying it for a while, maybe just to get her back, but in the end, it was a relief now knowing that he didn't have to. And even he had realized that their relationship was over. She wanted too many things that he didn't. She wanted too much from him.

"Your boy?" An old man with a cigar and a bald head asked with a broad smile, as Steven looked at him curiously and shook his head. No. Not his boy. Someone else's. And then he left, with his smooth stride, feeling at peace again. For Steven, the agony was over.

CHAPTER 24.



ADRIAN WAITED ALL DAY FOR BILL TO come back, but he never came, and she called the apartment endlessly, but he never answered. By four o'clock she was desperate to find him. She was in agony over what he must have thought, and she wanted to explain, and tell him the outcome of Steven's visit. But she just couldn't find him. She was worried about
his surprise party, too, remembering that everyone was counting on her to get him to his office where the entire cast and crew were going to surprise him. She called the office directly finally, figuring that the others had to be there by then, and finally at six o'clock, someone answered the phone and she could hear all the noise in the background.

She tried to shout loud enough so they could hear her above the din, and finally, the assistant director realized who was calling.

"Adrian? Oh, congratulations on the baby!" Bill had told everyone about Sam, but those who knew him well thought he was strangely quiet.

And they just figured he was tired after a long night with Adrian in labor.

As it turned out, he had happened on the party completely by accident.

After he left Adrian, he'd gone home, and then, needing to clear his mind, he had gone to the office. And he had arrived only slightly later than he should. It was as though, with or without her, he had been destined to get there.

"Is Bill there?" Finally, she had found him.

"He just left. He said there were some things he had to do. But it's a hell of a party."

The A.D. sounded more than a little drunk, and they were having such a good time, they hardly missed their guest of honor. He had slipped away, touched by what they'd done, but anxious to be alone. It had already been quite a birthday.

Adrian tried to call him at home again, but he had the machine on. She couldn't believe that he had just slipped through her fingers like that, or that he wasn't going to give her a chance to explain what had happened. He had always known that she wanted to contact Steven after the baby was born, but he hadn't expected to see him sitting next to Adrian, in her hospital room, holding the baby, and he had immediately made a brutally painful assumption. And as Adrian continued to lie in her hospital bed, waiting for him, she began to fear the worst when he never came back to see her. He must have been so angry at her that he didn't want to see her again, and there was nothing more she could do to find him.

She couldn't leave her room, or the hospital, and she felt trapped and helpless.

She held the baby for most of the afternoon, and put him in his little bassinet next to her for the entire evening. When her dinner tray came, she sent it away, and she put the big blue bear in a chair, and sat looking sadly at his roses. And all she wanted was to see him and tell him how much she loved him.

"Would you like a sleeping pill?" the nurse asked at eight o'clock, but she only shook her head, and the nurse made a note on the chart about possible postpartum depression. They had noted the fact that she had eaten nothing for dinner or lunch, and she even seemed unexcited about nursing her baby. She was quiet and uncommunicative, and as soon as the nurse left the room, she dialed the apartment again, and the answering machine was still on, and she left an anguished message for him to call her.

She picked up the baby again, and held him close to her for a long time, looking at the tiny nose, the sleeping eyes, the perfect mouth, the tiny, gently curled fingers. He was so sweet and so tiny and so perfect, and she was so engrossed in watching him that she didn't hear the door whoosh open at nine o'clock, and he stood there for a long minute, watching her, willing himself not to feel anything for her or the baby, as she turned her head suddenly and saw him. Her breath
caught, and without thinking, she reached out a hand, and then started to get out of bed, which wasn't entirely easy.

"Stay there," he said gently, "don't get up. I just came to say good-bye." He sounded cool and calm, and he walked closer to the bed, but he kept his distance. He looked remarkably dressed up, and somehow she sensed that it wasn't from the party. The party had been a surprise, and he had been wearing a sweatshirt and jeans for that, but now he looked as though he was dressed for something important. He was wearing an English tweed suit, a cream-colored shirt, and Herme's tie, and serious-looking brown shoes, and there was a winter coat over his arm, and suddenly she knew that he
was going.

"Where are you going?" she asked worriedly, sensing instantly that everything had changed between them. All in a few hours, since that morning. Only twelve hours before they had been like one heart, one soul, and now he had torn himself away from her and he was leaving.

But she knew why. She only wondered if she could heal the hurt she had caused him.

"I thought I'd go to New York to see the boys for a few days." He glanced at his watch. "I have to leave in a few minutes, to catch the red-eye." She felt her heart sink as she looked at him, and all she could feel was panic, and a desperate fear that she would lose him. It almost took her breath away as she watched him look uncomfortably around the room and then back at her, but he seemed anxious to avoid looking at the baby.

"Do the boys know you're coming?"

"No," he said somberly. "I thought I'd surprise them."

"How long will you be gone?" She didn't know what to say to him, except to tell him that she was sorry, that she'd been a fool, that she shouldn't have cared what Steven thought, that he was a jerk, and she was, too, and that she loved Bill more than life itself, and Sam was going to grow up to be their baby - - - if he stayed, if only Bill would stay - - - if only he would forgive her.

"I don't know how long I'll be," he answered, holding his coat in his arms and looking at her longingly. "A week - - - two - .
I thought maybe I'd take them on a little vacation after they get back from Vermont, if Leslie will let me. . . -, He was always at the mercy of someone else to get to the people he loved - - - Leslie, Adrian, Steven but he couldn't let himself think of that now.

It would just be good to see the boys again, and get out of California.

He'd had enough.

He needed a break. And his birthday present to himself was to get out of town and let someone else take care of his problems. They had plenty of scripts to work with while he was gone, and if they couldn't figure it out, they could invent it.

"I hired a nurse for you, by the way. She'll come in by the day, or stay overnight if you need her, when you leave the hospital. I didn't meet her myself, but the agency said she's terrific." He thought of everything, and Adrian's eyes welled up with tears as he said it.

"You didn't have to do that. I can take care of myself."

"I thought you might need help with the baby. Unless - - -" He hadn't even thought of that, and then he looked at her curiously, feeling even more foolish. ". - - Are you going back to my place, or Steven's?"

She realized then what he thought, and her heart ached for him. And it was all her fault, which made her feel even worse for the pain she had caused him.

"I'm not going to Steven. Now or ever. I'm not going anywhere with him." She said it so absolutely that he looked at her very strangely.

"I got the impression this morning that - . - I thought - . - I knew you were going to call him," he explained. "I just didn't know you were going to do it quite so soon. I should have been prepared for that," he said quietly, "but I wasn't. It took me by surprise when I walked in on the three of you and I was so excited about Sam and everything, and - - -" He looked so sad as he looked at her that the tears rolled down her cheeks as she looked at him and then down at the baby.

"I just wanted to get it over with - . - I know it was wrong of me, but I wanted him to see the baby - - - and release him, spiritually, or give him his blessing, or something. I don't know what I thought, I don't know what crazy delusions I've had all this time about owing Steven something because of the baby. Maybe I felt guilty about taking something so wonderful from him and walking off with it, and maybe even sharing it with you.

But the truth is, he doesn't even realize what having a baby is. He doesn't know what love is. And to him the baby is nothing more than a hardship. He's a jerk and a fool, and I was an even bigger one to even marry him in the first place." She looked miserably at Bill and started to sob, as she held the baby, and suddenly the baby started to wail, too, and Bill put his coat down and rushed forward to help her.

"Here, let me do it - - ." He was calm and smooth and his hands were sure as she watched him. "Is he hungry?"

"I don't know. I nursed him a little while ago, but I don't think he's figured it out yet."

"Maybe he's wet." He checked expertly, and then deftly wrapped him up tightly again in the blanket while she silently marveled at how good he was at everything he touched, from screenplays to souffle's to babies.

"He just wanted to be wrapped up tight again, I think. You kind of let him get unwound. They like to be all bundled up, like a cocoon. Here, I'll show you." He gave her a quick demonstration and handed the baby back to her with sure hands, while she blew her nose and thanked him.

"I don't know what I was thinking of when I called Steven. But as soon as he was here, I knew it was a mistake, and then you walked in, and before I could say anything, you were gone again." She started crying all over again, and a nurse walked in and shook her head again, thinking that Adrian was definitely manifesting the early signs of postpartum depression. Either that or her husband was giving her a hard time, but there was something going on here. "And I tried to call you all day," Adrian went on, "and I couldn't find you anywhere!" she said accusingly. "And today was your birthday!"

"I know it was." He smiled. She looked so pathetic and so upset, and so childlike with a blue bow in her hair. She looked like a teenager, holding someone else's baby. "But it was so damn awkward when I walked into the room and he was here. I didn't expect him. And it just all looked so cozy."

'Well, it was very moving at first, , , " she explained, wishing Bill would sit down, but she didn't want to suggest it for fear that he'd remember he had to catch the red-eye. "He looked at the baby as though he'd never seen one. But he's such a goddam horse's ass, and so pompous. I don't think he's ever loved anyone or anything in his life, except maybe his tennis racket or his Porsche. He was 'willing to forgive me for betraying him, and take me and the baby back on a trial basis. Can you imagine?" She was still angry when she said it.

"And if he'd taken you back unconditionally? If he'd told you that he loved you?"

"I realized that it was too late, that it was all gone if it was ever there at all. And he and I never had what we have. We had something very superficial and very young. I never knew the meaning of the word love until I met you." She said it very softly, and he set his coat down next to the blue bear and went to the bed, where she still sat holding the baby.

"I couldn't stand the idea of losing you, Adrian - - - I just couldn't. I've been through that before, and I know what it's like." He looked down at the sleeping infant then. "And I don't want to lose you either. I want both of you, and Tommy and Adam whenever we can, forever. I have no right to stand in your way. You were married to Steven, and you have a right to go back to him if you want to. But if you've made up your mind, if you're sure now, I need to know it. - " He
looked at her with eyes full of pain. He had come of age on his fortieth birthday.

"I've never loved anyone more." She reached out to him and he took her in his arms as tears rolled down her cheeks. She felt as though she had been crying all day, but so had he. He had had a rotten birthday.

"I couldn't live without you." She still trembled, thinking that, through her own stupidity, she had almost lost him.

Bill smiled for a long moment, and didn't say anything as he helped her set the baby down, and then he looked at her again. "I love you. I just want you to know how much I love you." And then he glanced at his watch and smiled, as he sat on the edge of the bed next to her. "It looks like I just missed the red-eye." But he'd been surprising the boys anyway, so they wouldn't be disappointed.

"Mind if I spend the night?" He grinned at her and she laughed and blew her nose again.

It had been an emotional day, and night before that.

"I'm not sure what the nurses would say."

But neither of them seemed to care, as they snuggled in her bed, Adrian in her pink nightgown he'd given her for Christmas and Bill in his London tweeds, and then the nurse came in to check on her, saw them kissing, and quietly closed the door again. Mrs. Thompson was feeling much better.

"They're going to think we're misbehaving," Adrian whispered to him as the door whooshed closed behind the nurse.

"Good," he whispered with a grin.

"I have a birthday present for you."

Adrian remembered the watch suddenly, as they continued to kiss and talk in whispers.

"Already?" Bill laughed. "Isn't it too soon?"

"You're disgusting." But he kissed her long and hard, and all was right with the world again as he held her.

"I have a surprise for you," he said thoughtfully, as they lay back side by side, against her pillows.

"What is it?" They were still speaking softly, for fear of waking the baby, and because suddenly their life seemed so simple and so peaceful.

"We're getting married in the next few days."

"It's about time." She pretended to scowl at him, flashing the ring he had given her for Christmas.

"I want my name on Sam's birth certificate," Bill said almost sternly.

"How about Samuel William Thigpen," she supplied with a shy smile, and he leaned over and kissed her.

"It'll do - - -" He smiled. "It'll do," pulling her close to him again, and feeling her heart next to his, with a single heartbeat.





The end